Thursday, December 16, 2010

And Three Becomes Four

So I guess I've been debating on whether or not to post this so soon. However, since the cat is pretty much out of the bag with family and friends (and that probably means most people that read this haha) I guess I'll say it here too...

I'm pregnant! Pretty early on. About six weeks, due mid-August. Now, I know that there are a lot of reasons not to go spouting this all over the world yet. However, since I know a lot about these reasons from both friends' experiences and my own, I realized that if something does go wrong... I would rather have the support that I ended up having last time. I was trying to wait until Christmas to start telling people, but I got too excited. I wanted to wait until Mother's Day to tell my mom last time... but that didn't turn out so well. So I decided to not wait. I would just let it out.

The honest truth is that I'm pretty scared. The first time I got pregnant, it was a surprise, everything was fine and normal and I had a healthy (albeit a little pukey) pregnancy. Then it happened again and after knowing for less than a week, that life that I had already grown so attached to was snatched away from me in front of my eyes. While I have known for about a week and a half now, I HATE to admit it, but I kind of feel like I'm waiting for it to be taken away from me again. I know that is not the way to think at all, and it's not at all every second of the day... but it's there for sure. Every time I go to the bathroom I hold my breath while looking to see if there is any blood (which obviously there hasn't been). I have felt some symptoms, but nothing severe. While I obviously don't WANT severe symptoms, without them and feeling normal- I feel as though this may not be happening. That was one of the biggest reasons I told people. I wanted to make sure it was real.

It has been really scary telling people. I have gotten good feedback for the most part, and while I know other people's opinions shouldn't matter... it was scary to think they might have nervous thoughts based on last time. I'm not sure when or if I'll get over the fear of losing the baby. I know of people that have lost their baby so far into their pregnancy. My health insurance kicks in at the start of the year, so I'll be able to go to the doctor after that... though there isn't too much they can do if anything were to happen anyway. Last time the only help I got from them was a lot of bills.

I promise that while this sounds pretty down, I really am positive about the whole thing. Logan is so excited. He loves putting his hand on my belly even though there isn't any change, and Dex is learning to kiss the baby. Even though I'm sure he has absolutely no idea what he is doing. I'm taking care of myself, we're all eating healthy, and I'm excited to have a two week vacation starting tomorrow! Today was technically my last day of work, but I need to go in and work on paperwork tomorrow since there is never any time with the kiddos around. We get to go to Declan's Holiday party, and I was JUST appointed the class mom, so I need to try to get my act together with that! So there is lots to do and then time to jump on a plane and see everyone back home.

**Sorry if this is the way you are finding out about number two and you didn't hear in person! We tried to make sure people knew!!

*** Love to all!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

The laziest Sunday

What a nice day it has been today. Though we had an awesome teething moment at 3:30 this morning, that only meant that Dex let us sleep in until almost 9. Thank goodness! Logan works on Sundays, so it means Mommy and Dex alone time. Sometimes I'm feeling ambitious (especially when it's warmer) and we go out and see people or to the park or the store or whatever, but lately I've been feeling pretty tired. This causes me to just want more cuddle time.

So Dex and I have spent our day watching Lilo and Stitch and Monsters, Inc., eating cereal and raspberries and yogurt, visiting Daddy at the coffee shop and making (and of course eating) cookies.

Last night we went to a surprise party for Logan's aunt. It was really nice to hang out with family. We ate delicious food, played some games and watched Dex and his two little cousins run like crazies around the house. It is so cute watching him run around after kids that are just a little bit bigger than him. It is also really funny because he has become attached to his stuffed animals (Daisy the sheep and his monkey) and his blankie. His blankie is like two feet by two feet so him dragging it around after him makes him look just like Linus.

It's time to start getting our act together to go home. Until then... back to more cookies and cuddling for me.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

One week!

One week until we are boarding that plane and heading East. I'm so excited (even though I'm sure that sounds like a broken record by now). I'm trying to travel without a lot (because I know that our warm clothes will take up my whole bag) but I have some GREAT ideas for some gifts to make once I'm there. Surprises, surprises.

I also really can't wait to show everyone how much bigger Dex is. He seriously astounds me every day in how much more he can do. I kind of really wish I was able to have him in a Montessori environment at this age. He would do so well with a more structured daily environment. I know that where he is now, everyone is doing the best that they can, but I hate how high the ratio is. It makes it so hard for the teachers to spend quality time with the kids. There is also such a "Mine, mine, mine" feeling around the classroom. That is not at all the case in Montessori. He would definitely do well with having his own work and learning to be patient and peaceful. Who knows what our next step will be, but perhaps in that direction.

Our apartment is slowly coming together. We have more ingredients in our kitchen and more furniture. However, shelves would be awesome. Our living room has no furniture which means nowhere to put our stuff! FreecycleCraigslist, and yardsales are becoming our new best friends. I'm working on getting a new SD card and researching new cameras, so that soon I can post pics. (Also working on cleaning up messes constantly)

Now that we are more settled, both have jobs, and have a place to live, I'm thinking more about how to get to where I want to be. I'm really not fulfilled at my job, and as scary as it is to really think about... I think that teaching might not be the place for me. I have been scared into staying in the same type of profession for the last few years, but really need a change. I am so grateful for the discounted child care, but with having my Master's... I feel as though I can do something more. I'm just not sure what that more is. My really silly wish is that I could get a nice camera and see if that could lead me to taking portraits. However, I don't have a nice camera (and only so much money that could be put towards it) and don't really know very much about professional photography. I also think that it would be awhile before that could take off enough to help support my family. Just a silly wish I guess.

However, people that know anything about cameras... any advice on what I might want to take a look at/ what I should be looking for in a camera?

See all those at home soon! Hugs from the Hardages!

Monday, December 6, 2010

#1 Hubs Award

Woo hoo! We finally have working internet here! Pretty stoked about that. Now we need to get our webcam act together so iChatting and skyping and such can take place. So people can see Declan's constant ridiculousness. He is seriously one of the funniest kids. Maybe I'm biased.

I don't have a whole lot to update on at the moment. Except that I will totally and completely give out a shout-out to my Number One Hubs tonight. As all couples do, we have had our roller-coaster moments, but things have been SO good between us lately. And even when things have been down I know what a lucky, lucky girl I am. I will tell this moment of my day, but only continue reading if you promise not to get jealous. K? K.

Today I had training for work at another school, and drove back to my school after. On the drive, I talked to Logan about household stuff and we got it sorted. During this conversation he told me that a co-worker wasn't feeling well and was wondering if Logan could cover his shift. And instead of just taking it, he told them that he needed to talk to me to make sure it was ok. He wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to feel abandoned having to take care of Dex by myself after a long day of work. He wanted to make sure my needs were met. (As I type this, I realize I may sound kind of controlling... but I swear this was all out of the blue... probably because I've been feeling a little under the weather for the last two weeks). Seriously? Making sure my needs were met as a cause not to take a shift at work? HOW LUCKY AM I?

Of course I told him to go. I would have anyway. But I just wanted to throw it out there. I love him. So much. So much gushy lovey stuff that would probably make you gag if you knew how over the moon I was.

(Also... he went out and got me cough drops and sushi last night after we put D down. Just because I mentioned I wanted them. Ugh. I'm so spoiled I can't handle it. Yes I can.)

Friday, December 3, 2010

Holiday Ramblings

Still fighting with AT&T to get our internet settled. A bit frustrating, but what can ya do. I guess the neighbor's spotty stolen internet will continue to suffice for the time being.

Two weeks and one day until Dex and I are East Coast bound. I am SO excited to see my family and friends. Like unbelievably so. However, I do have one minor thing that I'm a little nervous about. The weather! This East Coast girl has gotten pretty used to THIS kind of weather...

Right NowNext 36 Hours
FairTonightTomorrowTomorrow Night
Partly CloudyMostly SunnyPartly Cloudy
FairPartly CloudyMostly SunnyPartly Cloudy
Feels Like: 61°LowHighLow
Past 24-hr:
Precip: 0 in
Snow: 0 in
Chance of Precip:
Chance of Precip:
Chance of Precip:
From S at 3mph
SSW at 9 mph
SSW at 9 mph
NNE at 14 mph

Seriously. 61 at 9pm. And tomorrow is a high of 77. Really not sure I can go back to...

Right NowNext 36 Hours
CloudyTonightTomorrowTomorrow Night
Clouds Early / Clearing LatePartly CloudyPartly Cloudy
CloudyClouds Early / Clearing LatePartly CloudyPartly Cloudy
Feels Like: 30°LowHighLow
Past 24-hr:
Precip: 0 in
Snow: 0 in
Chance of Precip:
Chance of Precip:
Chance of Precip:
From NW at 12mph
NW at 13 mph
WNW at 18 mph
W at 13 mph

High of 42? I don't know about that. I'm not sure I have located enough long sleeved shirts yet.

I cannot wait to share how much my little man has grown. In the last four months he has truly become a real toddler. When we left he was walking but just barely. He now runs everywhere he goes. His smile is one of the biggest I've ever seen and I'm constantly getting compliments on how good and happy he is. (Though trust me... I also know the tantrums well... he just mostly saves those for mommy and daddy) I can't wait to have brunch in Brookline and patron the Starbucks in Newton. We will see all kinds of babies in Guilford and snuggle with Nana in Franklin. We'll see the sea on the Cape and the mountains in Vermont. I am so excited to remind my boy of his roots. Even though it hasn't been that long. He's little and I'm sure he won't remember.

He gets to experience the Christmas I grew up with. Christmas Eve with my mom's family and opening ONE gift (even though mom pretends EVERY year that we won't get to). Christmas day with my dad's family. The craziness of the Yankee Swap and so many kisses and cousins that are just his size. He will actually care about Christmas. He will touch every decoration he walks past and bounce to the music. I'm sure he will make cute faces all day that will reward him with sweets that my family will sneak him. He will unwrap his gifts and play with the wrapping paper. He will love to watch the Christmas movies that I grew up with. I can't wait to share it all with him. It stinks that Logan won't be with us to celebrate it, but it means that we get an extra Christmas when we get back. Once we leave Logan will be busy building this...

KidKraft Red Retro Vintage Kitchen - 53173

!!!!!! For our return. SOOOO excited for Dex to see it when we get back. The best present ever. (Thanks grandma!)

Also... on a slightly different note. I've been saving for awhile. Graduation money, birthday money, etc... and I think I'm almost on my way to...

A new camera. I've been thinking about it for a long time, and I think that I'm really ready to make the commitment. I don't know when it will happen exactly, but I want to be able to take great quality pictures of Declan and get more into it. If anyone knows anything about cameras, I'm definitely taking advice on what I should be looking for.

So all in all, I'm happy to be going home soon. Not so psyched for the weather. But ready to take on the holidays. And so ready to get to show it all to Dex. Love to all and can't wait to see those that read this back home!

Friday, November 26, 2010


Here we sit, the day after Thanksgiving, and I could not be happier. We have been battling a cold of Declan's for the last few days. He stayed home with Grandma and Jill on Tuesday, and we ended up leaving school super early on Wednesday. My poor boy has been way up and way down. The fever has gone between completely normal to 103.5 then back to normal then way back up. It has been pretty bizarre. He seemed as though he was fine Thanksgiving morning, so we went to church and then headed to Jill's for Thanksgiving festivities. Once we got there he went down for a nap. And he slept. Hard and Long. So long that I got to eat my whole meal without having a toddler to chase down and try to keep in a chair long enough for him to eat. Once he was up he pretty much collapsed against my chest and wouldn't do anything except snuggle with me. So less than a half hour later, he went back down.

So Mommy and Daddy got to play Scategories. This repeated once more, except we got him to eat a couple of raspberries before he went back down the next time. Declan pretty much spent between 12:30 and 9:30 sleeping. I felt bad for having an under-the-weather child there, but feel so lucky to have family members that didn't mind and were completely there for us. I guess in the end we all won. Logan and I actually got to participate in hanging out and eating, and Dex got the sleep he needed. Once he finally woke up he seemed to be doing much better. He was actually interacting with people and talking and walking around. He then slept from midnight to 6:15, and 7:30 to 9:45 this morning. He is now fever-free, running around, laughing and talking. It's all good.

This year I have so much to be thankful for. I am thankful to be able to have an adventure in a new place. This is only possible because of all the family I have to be thankful for. They have been there for me every step of the way. Willing to fly here because of the sound they hear in my voice, and fly me and Dex home for Christmas. I'm so thankful for my husband. We have grown so much together. Our relationship is so much stronger than it was a year ago. I am more thankful than I can say for my son. He saved me from a life of partying and teaches me more about love every day. I am thankful for coffee, having a car and a roof over our heads, unpacking clothes, hot showers, chocolate, and cameras. I am thankful for pen pals and cell phones and playgrounds and cuddling. I am thankful for my life and everything it has become.

And I am thankful for everyone that cares enough about us to read this blog.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

One of my favorite poems

The Invitation by Oriah

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know
if you will risk
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

By Oriah © Mountain Dreaming,
from the book The Invitation
published by HarperONE, San Francisco,
1999 All rights reserved

Saturday, November 20, 2010


So I haven't been on here a super ton because I've been feeling really low creatively for awhile. I feel as though things in our lives are settling down for the most part and our routine is coming together, but I still feel as though I'm missing something. My job is fine and to me it seems like the best solution for childcare (since I get a discount), but it is not what drives me. I feel as though I have lost a lot of my confidence and a lot of my passion. I'm really not sure that passion lays with teaching anymore, but I don't quite know how to figure out my next step.

I guess I feel as though I'm stuck in a bit of a rut. Maybe I need to find some sort of class or club or something to do once a week. Just something to break me out of this boring space that I'm in. Something to help me figure out where to go next to find more fulfillment.

Friday, November 19, 2010


So the internet will be back in full force as of next week, making this easier to keep up with. We have been a busy little family recently. I am so excited to have had so many adventures and even more are coming up.

Last weekend we went to Dallas. While we were there we visited Logan's family and friends. Declan had a blast. Logan's stepmom showed Declan how to start using a violin and it was absolutely amazing to see him be so interested in playing an instrument. It sent my mind off in daydreams about what he will be one day. We also had a great time hanging out with Jenny and Abby. We slept over their house on Saturday. There was a great family dinner, and lots of playing and giggling between the two cousins. We stayed up much too late playing horses and watching movies and eating popcorn. It was so nice to have Declan have another kid to run around with, ensuring my thoughts that there needs to be another child along the way.

We spent the next couple of days going to work and school and recuperating from the lack of sleep from the weekend. Declan now loves going to school. He has learned to say "Jacquie," his teacher's name, and loves to blow everyone kisses as he shouts "bye bye" at them.

Tomorrow Logan's mom comes to town so even more adventures are surely on their way.

And the even bigger news is that in a month Declan and I will be taking a trip home! Two weeks on the East Coast for these two. So everyone at home that reads this... get ready.

Saturday, November 6, 2010


Today was a day full of those little things that make life worth it. It was a gorgeous day that started out chilly enough for a sweater, but turned out sunny with just a hint of crispness in the air. Declan woke up super early, but nicely went down for an early morning nap so we got to sleep in. We went to his cousin's fourth birthday party and had a nice time with family and other kiddos. Then we came home to a daddy that unfortunately had to miss the party because of work and went out to lunch with Austin. We finished the night with much family chilling and cuddles and movie watching.

All in all, a pretty great, calm day. Just what the doctor ordered. Also... it's 9pm and I'm so ready for more cuddles and sleep. This whole classroom to myself/ full time mom thing is wearing me down. In a good way. Especially when I get good days like today to replenish my spirits.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Happy Halloween!

So, This Halloween was absolutely perfect. Declan had a great time at school on Friday Trick-or-Treating down the halls and learning what grabbing candy and shoving it in a bag was all about. Unfortunately he ate a chocolate cupcake in his white toga (white costumes for toddlers = momfail) so I had to do some quick thinking and decided just to turn it around. It didn't turn out 100% like I wanted, but hopefully next year he'll actually stand still and try it on for five seconds so I don't just have to guess at EVERY measurement. Probably not. I guess we'll have to see. 

On the actual Halloween, Logan had to work so Declan and I spent the morning lounging and he spent a good amount of the afternoon deciding not to nap. He finally fell asleep, took a nice little nap, and we headed over to our new friend's house for a little Halloween party. I guess I was expecting more of an actual Halloween party, but what I got was even better. Rather than a million kids dressed up and a spooky house or whatever a Halloween party entails, it was just a nice family get-together. Of course there were delicious cupcakes and candy galore, but mostly it was just a family hanging out. There was a mini game of cornhole, and kickball. It felt a little like being home. While it made me miss my family a little, I feel like something inside me got partially filled up. 

Declan was adorable as a little Roman man, though without his laurel wreath (that he wore for all of thirty seconds... that is a while of taking time to sew taken out of my life) he may or may not have been mistaken for a little girl in a dress? I don't know. I think he was cute. We walked along the streets with two double strollers, kids in tow, and Declan rode in his "Chariot" from house to house learning to walk up the drive and say "Tri Tri" and grab candy. It was so precious to see him actually caring and learning what it was all about.

Even Daddy got into the Halloween spirit!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Home Sweet Home

So Dear Readers,

We have a new home. I can't believe it's been ten days since I last posted. To play that broken record one last time... that's what having no internet does. Things here have changed quite a bit in the last few days. I have a new position at my school and we have a new home. I am now the Accelerated Pre-K teacher and have my own class. It's a big transition for all of us but I'm excited about the prospects.

And we have  a new home! We pretty much moved across the street, so Logan can still walk to work. We have TWO bedrooms again so Logan and I don't have to sleep in the living room anymore, and we can finally settle. It was really scary for me to have a whole year lease ahead of me... I wasn't sure if I was ready for that kind of commitment, but I think it will be good. I'm excited to actually be able to decorate and make it OURS. I feel like Declan is starting to get to the age where he will start caring about his home and his room, and I'm so glad I get to give that to him. (Though a house would be great also...)

Speaking of that little devil, to update those who miss him greatly... He is going to be a Roman gladiator for Halloween. He was a pretty big hit at school and I had lots of people ask me where I got it and look pretty boggled when I said I made it. Hopefully he will get distracted enough to wear his golden laurel wreath out on Halloween or else you mayyyy get him confused with an angel or a girl or something. He is talking more now. He repeats a lot of words and is constantly describing things around him. I don't like that he has picked up saying "Mine" from school, but what can you do. He walks well and mostly runs everywhere he goes. He is a pretty picky eater which we are trying to change. He loves his stuffed musical sheep, Daisy. Sometimes he prefers to sleep in his pack and play because it makes him feel safe. He has three molars and the fourth is coming in along with the two bottom teeth to make a foursome down there. He is so funny and sunny and loving. He gives hugs and kisses and waves goodbye to everyone. Pretty much he is awesome.

I suppose I should go start unpacking otherwise Declan will unpack it all for me tomorrow by throwing it around the apartment or putting things in random drawers. I'm so happy to have the internet back!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010


Happy. It is a beautiful 84 degrees out, I have been filing and not having to reprimand small ones all day and my son walked away from me when we entered the classroom this morning. He is getting to be a big, independent boy and as my last post proved, sometimes it gets me a little misty-eyed. Not today. Today I will revel in the joy in my heart and my lovely boy that I spied fingerpainting at a table with his friends earlier. I will think of the luck I have to possess a husband who let me have some "me time" while he watched Declan and made us all dinner the other night. And gets me ice cream. I have a family that I know would do anything from me, in this time zone and the time zone next to me. I am starting to gain friends and have friends to go to a Halloween party with and go trick-or-treating together. I have a full time job with discounted child-care. I don't have to take work home with me so I get to spend all my time with my loves. My husband has a job that he loves, and I am pretty fond of too. I have friends that make time to chat with me even though we have babies joining the conversation on both sides. I have a roof over my head.

Some days (as we all do) I get down and get so worried about staying down that it keeps me down. I think a switch was flipped and today I just feel good. I am happy and so happy with my little family. I hope everyone out there counts their blessings often. It is awesome to know that I may not have a lot in the eyes of a lot of people, but I sure have a lot of love and that is what really matters.

Monday, October 18, 2010


I barely know how to put into words how I'm feeling right now. I guess I'm just feeling like a jumble. I'm trying my best to get used to this new life and this new place (though the actual place of living will change quite soon). I'm trying to rock out this adventure that we're having and appreciate all that I have and have been given. However, I still miss home like crazy. Pretty much anything that I read or watch causes my heart to have some pang of missing someone. I feel like crying at least a dozen times a day.

Something that is really bittersweet is watching Declan at school. I have the privilege/ curse of getting to spy him several times a day through windows while he plays and carries on with his friends. It breaks my heart every day bringing him to school, knowing that someone else is going to make him smile and get to hear his laugh. They get to watch new firsts, while I get left behind. I am so happy that he is getting social interaction, learning new things and getting to experience art and music that we wouldn't if we were home alone... but it is hard for me to know that I am no longer the center of his existence. 

Today was the first day that he didn't cry as we dropped him off. I am so proud that he is getting to be a big boy and learning to be independent, but even though it is obviously NOT what I would want for him, it's hard knowing that he's not pining away for me and my hugs. Throughout the day I count down the minutes that I get to pick him up and see his smile light up at my arrival. I can't explain how much I love when he jumps in my arms and I know that my world is ok because he is ok. Being a mom makes me feel more than I even knew possible, and I'm a pretty emotional person. 

I love that kid.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Day 3- Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

I have been terrible with this 30 days thing. I thought it would be a good chance for some introspection, but then the lack of internet and addition of family made it harder to sit by myself and think. Even now I am only on my lunch break, so this can't get as much attention as I would like.

Something I need to forgive myself for is my drunken behavior. This pertains mostly to the past, but I had a pretty big slip recently. I have apologized to those around me and seem to be forgiven by them, but I need to forgive myself. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of ALL the mistakes I have made due to alcohol. It ran most of my relationships with men, affected my relationships with friends and family, and I sometimes wonder how it is possible that worse things didn't happen to me.

I know that even though it may not have happened in the way I had planned, but having Declan probably saved me. It made me do a complete turnaround with my life. I stopped drinking (for 99% of the time) and started actually being responsible.

I have done well for myself, and I think that I am now a good example for my child. I am not proud of a lot of the things that I have done, but I need to forgive myself, learn, and move on.

Hello Strangers

I've been away for awhile spending time with my family. There are vacations that are marked by laying on the beach and going on rides, but this was a vacation marked by snuggling and watching movies and taking naps and drinking lots of coffee. There wasn't really a whole lot of "special" things that happened, but just having my family back was pretty special.

I'm having a bit of a hard time being here. It's really hard for me to be away from my family. I know that nothing is forever, and this is just one of our many adventures together, but it is definitely a hard start. It is hard that we moved to a new place, had to work with temporary living for the last four months, and I had to get a job where I don't get to spend every minute with my son. It is a huge adjustment and I'm working on it. I have had trouble with depression on and off since the third grade. I have been in a good place for awhile, even through pregnancy and grad school and everything, but being so far away from home while having a tough time is making me feel a little bit like I'm standing on the edge of the depression again. It is really scary for me because I know how it will feel once I fall. I know that I shouldn't worry about anything until it happens, but even just the thinking about falling has me feeling more like I'm falling.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


We had a great weekend getting to hang out with lots of family. Logan's mom was in town so we had many family dinners and Declan learned to say "Hello" (or more precisely... Hewwo). However, the germs that the little man were introduced to at school last week have officially taken their toll. He was starting a cold this weekend, and just when I thought it was getting better... he woke up yesterday morning with his eyes glued shut from yucky stuff coming out. His eye isn't red so I'm thinking it's not pinkeye. I think it's just the cold coming out every place it can. My poor guy. Everyone send good thoughts our way because my health insurance won't kick in for awhile!

However, I'm sure he will be in a good mood because tomorrow my brother comes to town! I'm super psyched to show him around Austin and I know that he will fall in love. I can't wait. Then... on Friday my mom will be here too! We always spend Columbus Day weekend together, usually in VT, but we're bringing the Foleys to Austin to take over. Hopefully we can find some stand-ins for our usual array of events. 

So I've been thinking about what I miss the most of what we didn't bring with us to move cross country. (Just in case anyone ever is wondering what the important things are)

*Our mattress

There really isn't a whole lot else that I miss, and the only thing we have replaced on that list is our mattress because we needed somewhere to sleep. 

Sorry that this is kind of all over the place. Without being able to update more often, I kind of forget what I had wanted to say. Ahh... off to enjoy my few moments of alone time during the rest of my break. 

Missing everyone back home!!!

Day 2- Something you love about yourself

Wow. Sorry to leave this blog on such a negative note. Although we don’t have internet I figured that I would have more time to get posts up. With the job and getting Declan used to his new place and schedule, I have been pretty busy. I’ll give a life update in another post, but let’s get this back to a more positive place first.

Something I love about myself. I have been so focused on others recently (cough cough Declan cough) that I haven’t had a whole lot of introspective time. I suppose that something I love about myself is my ability to work hard. I know a lot of people that don’t understand the concept of work. I feel as though a lot of this generation expects life to be handed to them on a silver platter while they sit around and watch tv. I was instilled with a strong work ethic from a young age. I was expected to do chores in order to get my allowance. As I got older and stopped getting an allowance I was expected to do yard work to earn money.

For me, painting a fence wasn’t just slopping some paint around and going on my merry way. I had to scrape, cover every inch in primer, two coats of paint, and keep the area around me and my materials clean. I was picked up from the SATs and then had to seed and hay an entire field that afternoon. I was a good worker. I enjoy hard work. Sure I resented having to do work sometimes when people I knew could just ask their parents for money and have it handed over, but this is what got me where I am today.

I found out I was pregnant as I was planning on being in grad school. I entered grad school in my first trimester. I worked full time, took three classes and threw up every day. Being able to work hard allowed for me to have an 18 month old and my M.S. Sometimes it’s hard for me to slow down, and when I have down time I don’t quite know what to do. But I love knowing that I will always be able to provide for myself and my family because I know how to.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Day 1 - Something You Hate About Yourself

Hmm. Something I hate about myself. Well... I am SO grateful that I am in a place where the answer is really not much. There are certainly things that I work on about myself, but not so many that get the passion of the word hate. I suppose that if I have to choose something, then I hate how selfish I am.

I really don't like saying this out loud because that makes me responsible for it. It makes me put it out there that I am aware of how selfish I am and if I know about it then I should probably change it and not just let it go on as I sit there oblivious. I work hard, I try my best to do good for those around me, and a lot of times I feel as though that makes me deserve more than others. While I know sometimes it gets put upon other people... Logan for sure gets the most directed his way. Our relationship was started while I was working full time, taking three grad classes and just newly pregnant. This meant that a lot of his time and effort went to making things easier for me and I think I grew pretty dependent on him getting up to turn the light off and walking down the street in the snow to get me donuts.

A lot of times I just sit there and think of how tired I am, and how hard I've been working and how I deserve a break from watching Declan. The problem is that now Logan works just as hard, is up when I'm up and is watching Declan too. I hate saying this, but it is really hard for me to put his needs first. I wish it came easier!! I want to make him happy, and I want to make his life easier, and I want that to be second nature to me. I guess for now I just need to be aware of myself and my selfish nature.

I will work on it and try to put others first. Logan- I'm sorry that I'm selfish. I love you very much. (And I know you love me even through my selfishness... <3 )

30 Days of All About Me

I've never done this before, but I saw this blog prompt and thought it might be a way for me to shake it up and talk about something different than job hunting and being in love with my child. While those things are fine to talk about... I figured it might be nice for those of you that read this to understand that I'm more than just the situation I'm in. 

Join me if you would like, on this journey of discovery. I found this fun blog prompt (or series of prompts, is more accurate) on Marine Wife Unplugged's blog. These are the prompts for the different days:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Thirty days of truth and getting to know me. Even in just looking at this list I have put mental blocks in front of some of the answers. It's hard to be completely honest, especially in a public situation. So we'll see what happens. You will get to know me better and maybe I'll get to know myself better in the end.
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