Thankful 2012 #5

#5

I'm thankful for Logan. It is amazing to have such a wonderful partner in life. I know that no matter what is thrown at us- we will make it work together. He is an amazing man, husband and father and I'm continuously grateful that life threw us together.

Thankful 2012 #4

#4
I am so thankful for my Declan boy. My first born. He is the one that really and truly taught me what love is. My heart expands every time I look at him- he taught me a depth to myself that I didn't know existed.

Thanksgiving 2012 #2 & #3

#2
I'm thankful that my family and friends were all safe during the hurricane.

#3
I'm also thankful for modern technology so that I could stay in touch with all of my friends and family back home to know that they are safe. It's amazing that all it takes is two seconds and you can get in touch with someone 2,000 miles away.

Thankful 2012 #1

Today I am Thankful for Kieran. After having a miscarriage- the pregnancy carried a weight that wasn't there with Dex. I am so grateful to have been blessed with him being such a ball of sunshine. His constant smile reminds me constantly of how lucky I am that I got him.

Disappear

It's been awhile. I haven't posted since before Kieran's birthday. I just... couldn't.

I've done a bit of a disappearing act from a lot of the world. Partially because I've been engulfing myself with being the best mom, wife, employee- that I possibly could, and partially because there was just something not right within myself and I needed to figure it out before pouring my confused heart out into the world.

I'm back to (mostly) normal and will get back to posting and getting my camera back out shortly. I need to post about Kieran turning 1 (!!!), weaning, Dex's handsome new duds he has been sporting, working hard and finding a balance and working on a four year strong relationship.

But for now I'm going to just leave you with pictures that you have probably seen on Instagram and get some relaxing in before the work week starts tomorrow (who am I kidding- laundry, organizing, mama-stuff since Logan is working nonstop stuff done).

On feeling like a failure...

I feel like I'm failing Declan in his social upbringing. He is so rarely around other children and lately it has shown a couple of times. We recently went to a birthday party with lots of other kids and he spent the majority of the time playing somewhere by himself.

Then last night we went to play at a local park with fountains that light up at night. Dex was running around with another kid for a long time. The other kid (probably 5?) had a water gun and was shooting D with it. Their playing looked innocent enough and D kept running around with him so I was pretty happy that he was playing with another kid. Until I got closer and saw what happened when D ran up to the other kid. The kid turned around, yelled "Shut up" at him and squirted him in the face. And my boy didn't even know that wasn't ok.

I was appalled. I grabbed D, and knowing that it wasn't my job to reprimand the other kid, proceeded to tell Dex that he wasn't playing very nice and that maybe we should find someone nicer to play with. When we went back over to the water, I pointed out some other kids that looked a bit calmer, D stayed in my lap and wouldn't go over to them, insisting that they were "bad." I then immediately rethought my decision to take him away from the other kid. Now he didn't want to play with anyone. Did he stop trusting other kids because of me?

I feel so badly. I want him to know to stand up for himself. I want him to know what right behavior is. You hear "kids will be kids" and at some point he will have to know to stand up for himself... but how do I teach him that and still have him want to go back to playing with other kids that he doesn't know?

I have such a hard time making friends. I'll put it out there. It's been two years of living here and my friends are pretty minimal, and friends that have kids are pretty non-existent. The couple people that I have met, that have kids, are super busy and generally don't live close so we don't see them very often. We don't have enough money to send the boys to daycare, even a couple mornings a week- so they are home with Logan, me, or one of our friends. They don't really go to playgroups. Pretty much their only social interaction with other kids is at Sunday school, which is one hour a week.

Am I failing him? By not having him in classes and playgroups and having friends myself to surround him with automatic social interaction?

I want him to be able to play with other kids. Trust other kids. But know what behavior is acceptable towards him. I don't want him to be a tattle-tale, but I do want him to know that it is ok to walk away from people that aren't nice.

I guess I just need to figure out something for him to have more time with other kiddos. I'm just feeling pretty torn up about it.

11 Months

This boy is eleven months. Every second he inches closer to being a one year old. I had a discussion with Logan today about how being a parent truly teaches you what bittersweet means. Every day I get so excited to see where he is at, but I also know what he has left behind. No more tiny baby.

He is now becoming more and more of a toddler. He pulls up on everything (and consequently pulls everything down off of any shelf he can reach- aka my house is constantly a disaster). He has started to try and let go a tiny bit. He loves to walk while holding my hands. He still loves to eat and is practicing drinking out of sippy cups. He laughs. At so much. He is definitely full of joy and sunshine.

The big day will be here before I know it. Dex has decided the theme of the party. Outer space. Well... D specifically said dinosaur outer space... but I think that might be tweaked a little bit. Now I just need to get the details going...

Happy less-than-a-month-until-you-are-one my love.

Things have been happening around here. I haven't been writing because by the time the evening/ night rolls around I am just too tired to try and make coherent sentences. I've been up and running and working out. I've been working hard. Logan has been working hard and kicking parenting booty as he ups his game as father and husband. My mom moved to town. Logan turned (dun dun dun...) 29. The kiddos have been running around and then D had a tummy bug which had me cleaning up many messes over a 36 so far hour time span. So basically... tired. Yes. In a good way. In a fulfilled, living as much as I can, enjoying everything I can, working as hard as I can, keeping my body active kind of way.

And it's good. Right now things are great with us and the kiddos. And that's what I've got for tonight.

Growing Up

I recently said something in a pining voice about Kieran being bigger and doing more things and was asked if I was sad about my boys growing up. Well... yes and no. And yes. And no. 

I can't even express how grateful I am every day that I get to watch them grow up. I am getting to watch Kieran start to sign and communicate and see the pride on Deckie's face as he scoots a little faster each time we go out. I am getting to first-hand witness these boys becoming more and more of who they are. They are still tiny, but there is that person inside of them taking more form every day. 

(For today anyway...) Declan is my imaginative engineer. Imagining whole worlds and situations around him and building trains and rocket ships to come along for the journey. Kieran is my mover and shaker. He wants to be going so fast like his big brother, but can't go too long without jumping in my lap for a cuddle. His favorite place to fall asleep in on top of me. 

But I know that each day, while it brings on new facets of each little being I am blessed with, it also brings them a little further from me. Which it should. If I do my job right, they will be able to be completely independent and (while still checking in on my from time to time) off on their own. Each day they run a little further before looking back. They go a little longer without needing that cuddle. 

So yes, I am so excited to watch them grow, but every day I am grateful for how much they need me now. 

To see them blossom and change I am happy. And sad. But mostly happy. 

Kieran kept crawling away and Deckie thought it was hilarious. 

My dreamer boy

These Two/ 10 Months/ Photoshoot

Seriously. The love between these two boys makes my heart melt. I didn't ask them to hold hands. They are just naturally drawn to be close to each other. 

I love when I hear from the back of the car from Dex: "Kiery, Kiery- do you see all the cars driving fast?" He takes his role as big brother seriously and is constantly teaching Kieran about the world around them. 

Kieran is now 10 months as of yesterday. He is pulling himself up on everything and cruising along holding onto things. He still eats pretty much everything, however, if he prefers one part of a meal to another he is not afraid to show it by throwing the undesired on the ground. He loves to sit at the little table with Deckie and feed himself. At 10 months he is fitting comfortably in 12 month clothes and may be another size up when he turns one. He loves to dance and make noise when we are singing. He is my rough and tumble boy. Where Deckie was afraid of finger paint and making me wipe up spills, Kieran is putting bugs and trash in his mouth and crawling until his head hits the glass door. His forehead generally has some sort of bruise due to bumping it. He loves to come and jump in my lap for a cuddle and is learning how to give kisses, which is my favorite. 

My boys are learning to play with each other. Crawling on top of each other and rolling away. Hiding and sharing. I can't wait to see how their relationship continues to flourish. 

Whew

So Sunday night I did something crazy. I ran three miles. Further than I thought I could. 38 min. Ave 12min38sec/mile.

Tonight Logan had to go into work so I didn't have long but I knew I wanted to get out there. So instead of distance I decided I would focus on time. My time has been 12.5min/mile ish so far. Tonight I decided to run only one mile and see how fast I could do it. My time was 10 min 18 sec. Not bad.

Last night I ran another two miles.

It was way harder. I'm sure I wasn't hydrated enough. I had some cramps in my belly which made it harder to run. However, I talked myself through it. The night before I hit the wall of the running being ok about .5 miles into the run. Last night it took about 1.25 miles to have it be ok. At around .75 miles I really thought I would just stop after one but I knew I would be kicking myself after.

A big part of it being hard is that I don't really have any good running clothes. I have heavy cotton clothes which aren't good for TX humid Summer heat. (You know- the heat that makes it impossible for my house to get get below 80 until 5am) I decided that if I can keep it up another week (until payday) then I will treat myself to a new athletic shirt and shorts.

With the weight- down another 1/2 pound, so three pounds all together in the last week. Getting there.

Running

So this is more to keep track of it for myself and I'm sure won't bring much interest to anyone else but...

I've been running for the last week and a half, thanks to Austin doing the local Triathlon being my motivation. It helps a lot having an iPhone with a working GPS (unlike my last phone) and apps to keep track of the time/distance and keep me going with music all together.

I've run four times and the first time I got through a mile with a little walking. The second time I ran the whole mile and pushed the stroller. Both times were about 13 min 58 sec. Then I ran (with more walking than I would have liked- but Austin is way faster than I am so I was pushing for speed and lost on the distance) 1.25 miles ave 13 min 3 sec.

Tonight I ran two miles without walking at all. I think that is a personal best. The first mile was 11 min 14 sec!! The ave of the two miles was 12 min 5 sec. Much better than a week ago. Still not very good, but I'm going the right direction.

Also- My starting weight before being pregnant with Keiran was 164. (Pre Dex was 155 ha. We'll see if that can happen again). I had gotten below that, probably because of nursing. As of a week ago I had gotten back up to 164 again. This morning I weighed myself and am down to 161.5. Meaning I've lost 2.5 pounds in the last week and a half. My weight is pretty fickle and goes up and down pretty easily so the numbers don't really mean a whole lot to me, but hopefully we'll see a trend on the going down. More important is the feeling healthier and attempting to do anything about this post baby (times two) belly. *Also- this is without changing any eating habits except for drinking more water. There were plenty of cookies and brownies consumed. You can only go one step at a time, right?

Wish me luck!

Hanging Out/ Kieran is 9 Months

I haven't been here much because I've been working more. This has caused less time with my boys, so I've been focused a whole lot more on spending quality time with them when I'm with them. This has meant less internetting, less picture taking, and more soaking up their wonderfulness. 

Kieran turned 9 months. He is now crawling with a vengeance. He moves at lightning speed. He pulls up to standing and yesterday was cruising along the length of our bed. He babbles like crazy, repeating some sounds- especially when we say "Deckie." He rarely eats "baby food" now and pretty much just joins us in eating whatever we are eating. So far, there isn't really anything that he hasn't liked. 

The boys are such great brothers. Yes, there are moments when Dex forgets exactly how to be gentle, but for the most part they are wonderful to each other. Deckie shares crackers with Kieran in the backseat of the car, Kieran crawls around after him, and they both like to spend their time near each other. 

Kieran is becoming so much more of a person every day. He and Declan are really different. Kieran chases after balls and crawls until he hits his head and puts everything in his mouth. Dex loves to wash his hands, has the biggest imagination, and loves to build. I love watching them grow more into themselves. 

Photoshoot

Date

This morning I had a very special breakfast date. Not with my husband, but with my first born boy.

For a few days now, he has been proclaiming that I am HIS Mommy NOT Kiery's. And that Logan is KIERY'S Dada, NOT his. Things have been really great with his transition into big brotherhood, but something has been going on. His ownership of me really hit home that I need to start spending more time with him alone. After enough acting out and possessiveness of me, I asked him if he wanted some special time with just him and Mommy and he got pretty excited about the idea.

So yesterday we made a date for this morning. Dex is in love with pancakes from Kerbey Lane, and it is their birthday this week, so they have pancakes with frosting and sprinkles on them... and I've been planning on taking him all week. This seemed like the perfect opportunity.

We woke up this morning and got ready. He got himself dressed, with shorts and shirt on backwards obviously and we headed out. It was so nice to be able to just listen to him. His imagination is out of this world. Because while this was special mommy and Dex time, his imaginary friend (George the dragon) came with us too. I got to listen to how he sees the world where newspaper machines are robots, and his boots are dragon boots while George's boots are big brother boots. He got to hold the buzzer and we sat side by side in a booth where I learned that his favorite color is blue and gold like his eyes (and George's eyes are brown so his favorite color is brown.) His favorite movie is Yo Gabba Gabba and his favorite song is the "Ouch It Hurts" song. His favorite Muppet is Kermit and he likes to wear red socks because they are "Go Red Sox" socks.

He ate pancake bites at the same time I ate mine. He wanted water in a cup with a top so it didn't spill. As he sat next to me, he grabbed my hand to hold and said "I love you Mommy".

I am so excited that he is old enough to care about spending special time together, and I can't wait for all the adventures we will have.

*Pics are taken with my cell phone- sorry for the quality

Deckie got birthday pancakes and Mommy got regular

Keeper of the buzzer

Three

Tonight Declan told me he loved me more than butterfly peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (yes, we cut most sandwiches into fun shapes) and a lot of hippos and ice cream. He told me I make his heart happy.

I haven't been able to write about his third birthday yet because I feel as though I can't do it justice. How do you put it into words when you have more love than you could possibly count inside of you? How do you express the joy felt every single day watching them breathe or smile or find the letter "D" on a sign? How do you talk about the fact that sometimes you don't want them to go to bed- you just want to lay next to them and hear all the amazing thoughts running through their head.

You can't. You can't ever get it right exactly. Everything I try to write isn't good enough and gets the delete button applied.

Declan,

My big boy. My boy that introduces himself as "Deckie the big brother." You have taken on the role of big brother so graciously and completely it is though you were destined to be Kiery's big brother. You run and climb and scoot. You eat so much, though you take your sweet time doing it. You are smart and kind. When you get upset you have learned to take a deep breath so that we can talk about whatever is bothering you. A kiss makes things better. When a kiss fails, you generally just ask for another kiss because more kisses will eventually make you feel better.

You say "It's a beautiful sunny day!" You have dimples and the humidity makes your hair curl even more. You don't have baby feet any more. They are longer but still recognizable with the freckle on the bottom of one of your feet. Every day is a new adventure as you are a cowboy, robot, dinosaur, Puss in Boots. You keep me on my toes and a smile on my face.

I know this is rambling, but I already warned you that words don't do you justice.

Declan. You make my heart so happy.

Eight months.

Late as usual.

So much to say about my little Kiery. I think that eight months with you is my favorite so far. You have kept up your sunny disposition and your smile is constant.

You are a mover and a shaker. You army crawl in record time, are up on all fours, and can sit yourself up so quickly. You babble all day, and Deckie lets us know what you are talking about.

No teeth yet, but you can definitely eat. You love black beans, avacado, bananas, crackers and anything you can pick up yourself. Your pincer grip is way better and you get so proud of yourself when you work to get that food in your mouth. You also love drinking water, and can drink from a straw. However, if you get a hold of the cup yourself you get way too distracted by banging it all around for you to actually drink anything.

You love watching your brother and spend a good amount of your day following him around. You are trying so hard to keep up with him.

Basically, Kieran, you were meant for us. My love for you grows stronger every day.

Friends

Last week I was so lucky to have two of my friends from home come and visit for almost a week. They were here to celebrate Deckie's birthday (his party anyway) and Easter and love on my children and family. It is an amazing feeling to have people around that love your children (almost) as much as you do. 

While they were here we had a mostly family friendly vacation. (That may or may not have been interrupted by some margarita time) We went to Zilker, splashed in Barton Springs, walked around South Congress, attempted- and failed... again- to see the bats, and ate a lot. One of our best afternoons was spent hanging out in a field at the park for three hours while pretending to be robots and throwing balls for Deckie to chase. 

I am so lucky to have these amazing women in my life. They are willing to spend their vacation time chasing my children and teaching Kieran how to mimic someone that is sticking their tongue out at them. Volunteering to hang up streamers, hide eggs, and push double strollers. And we'll just say that what happens on 6th St stays on 6th St. 

Thank you both so much for coming and making our lives that much better.