Day 1 - Something You Hate About Yourself

Hmm. Something I hate about myself. Well... I am SO grateful that I am in a place where the answer is really not much. There are certainly things that I work on about myself, but not so many that get the passion of the word hate. I suppose that if I have to choose something, then I hate how selfish I am.

I really don't like saying this out loud because that makes me responsible for it. It makes me put it out there that I am aware of how selfish I am and if I know about it then I should probably change it and not just let it go on as I sit there oblivious. I work hard, I try my best to do good for those around me, and a lot of times I feel as though that makes me deserve more than others. While I know sometimes it gets put upon other people... Logan for sure gets the most directed his way. Our relationship was started while I was working full time, taking three grad classes and just newly pregnant. This meant that a lot of his time and effort went to making things easier for me and I think I grew pretty dependent on him getting up to turn the light off and walking down the street in the snow to get me donuts.

A lot of times I just sit there and think of how tired I am, and how hard I've been working and how I deserve a break from watching Declan. The problem is that now Logan works just as hard, is up when I'm up and is watching Declan too. I hate saying this, but it is really hard for me to put his needs first. I wish it came easier!! I want to make him happy, and I want to make his life easier, and I want that to be second nature to me. I guess for now I just need to be aware of myself and my selfish nature.

I will work on it and try to put others first. Logan- I'm sorry that I'm selfish. I love you very much. (And I know you love me even through my selfishness... <3 )

30 Days of All About Me

I've never done this before, but I saw this blog prompt and thought it might be a way for me to shake it up and talk about something different than job hunting and being in love with my child. While those things are fine to talk about... I figured it might be nice for those of you that read this to understand that I'm more than just the situation I'm in. 

Join me if you would like, on this journey of discovery. I found this fun blog prompt (or series of prompts, is more accurate) on Marine Wife Unplugged's blog. These are the prompts for the different days:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Thirty days of truth and getting to know me. Even in just looking at this list I have put mental blocks in front of some of the answers. It's hard to be completely honest, especially in a public situation. So we'll see what happens. You will get to know me better and maybe I'll get to know myself better in the end.

Jobs!

Soooo... the big news is that both Logan and I have jobs now! I think I posted about his job before, but he is working at a coffee shop across the street. The owners are really nice and it is a super laid back environment. He is happy and it is nice for him to be back in the game.

I don't want to jinx myself seeing as how my last job went. But this job already has paperwork for me and copies of my license so I already have a better feeling about it. I got a job working full time (yay!) as a Lead Floater at a pre-school. I start training tomorrow and start working at the school on Wednesday. The great news is that Declan can go there for a huge discount. He started this morning. His teacher seems really nice and he seemed happy. No tears (today anyway) when we left. I'm nervous, but I know that he will be fine. The last place was just so terrible at transitioning him in, and I think it left minor scars on both of us. I'm happy that we're in a much better situation.

We are getting settled in our place even though we only have a month left there. I am so grateful to have our own place right now, but it will be nice when we have somewhere for longer where we can actually unpack. Our next week is the start of so many visitors! Logan's mom is coming this weekend, Dan will be here for a week starting next Wednesday and then my mom is coming for the long weekend starting next Friday. I'm pretty psyched to get a big dose of family time.

Testing

Trying out mobile blogging for the first time. I'm a little wary but we'll see how it goes. Does anyone have advice on an app that will let me read the blogs I'm following? That's getting old trying to do with the web on my phone.

Whew

Ahh... sitting here in the coffee shop (aka Logan's new work) and using their internet for all it's worth. Trying to get work done with babies is hard! I've been working with a potential (eek!) employer today, trying to get them some proof that I graduated from Wheelock. Seeing as I have moved a million times since graduating I obviously no longer have my transcripts or degree. In trying to get this information I tried getting to several libraries which my GPS was wrong about? They apparently don't actually exist? The library close to us is closed, and when I finally found one that both existed and was open... the wait to use the computers was over an hour. Crazy. And also not possible with a child.

So I tried to come over and use the coffee shop with three boys in tow. Logan is helping Austin move and they brought Dex with us to get coffee while I attempted to solve problems. I finally pseudo-solved them, but not really and decided to go home. After another call to Wheelock I decided to try something else online, which meant another trek back to the coffee shop with all my bags and Declan by myself because now the boys are off and moving. I maybe, hopefully solved it?

I am so lucky to have a good child. He has been amusing himself by shaking the bottle of Tylenol he found in my purse, being spun in the chair next to me, drinking his juice and trying to unlock the vintage luggage that is on display near us. All in all, a hopefully successful internet trip... but more successful in helping me to realize once again what a lucky Mommy I am.

Bathtime

One of my favorite times of the day is Declan's bathtime. It is the moment that he ceases to be a sticky running toddler and transforms into a cherubic merman. It is so nice to have him step into the bathroom and become excited because he knows what is coming next. He knows that in just a minute he gets to step into the warm water and splash to his heart's desire.

The world slows down a little as he actually stays in one place for an elongated period of time. Since we now FINALLY actually have a bathtub for him we have been experimenting with bubbles. The first time he freaked out a little and kept rubbing them in his eyes. He is now a pro at wading through the bubbles to find the toys and cups buried underneath. I love being able to soak my feet at the end of the day while he splashes and pours water and fills cups from the running spout. He knows that once it's full enough if he flips the switch down so the water levels lowers... then he can get more running water again. He's pretty smart.

I love watching his chubby belly swell as he sits and become concave again as he kneels and works so hard to fill all of his cups. His wet curls stuck to his head kill me as do the droplets in his eyelashes.

Don't worry... I'll definitely get some pictures of bathtime up soon.

Conveyor Belt

*Written yesterday, but due to lack of internet... posted a day late

So I had a job interview today. I applied online yesterday and got a call later that afternoon. They wanted to meet with me today, so I figured that they were pretty interested. I got myself pumped up and knew that even though it was only a part-time assistant job at a Montessori school, I had it. I know what I’m doing and I know what I’m talking about. I have pretty much ate, slept and breathed toddlers for the last three years.

I get to the interview a few minutes early, get sat down in the office and told that they would be with me in ten minutes. OK. When one of the women gets into the room she puts down a stack of paper with my resume on top. This is a physical representation of all the people I am up against. Not only that, but they had scheduled another interview for the exact same time as me. They sat her down in another room, chatted about their school and barely asked me any questions. After talking to me for about five minutes, the first woman (who had left) came back and asked the other woman if she was done with me. When I mentioned I had a son, I immediately knew it was the kiss of death. I was told there was no room for him, and it didn’t really seem as though there was urgency about getting back to me.

It’s frustrating knowing that I have experience, I have education, and I still get shut down for jobs. I felt as though I was just one of many put onto a conveyor belt. They were waiting for the right one to pass by them to give the green light to. Employers have the complete upper hand. I want to work hard. I want to be challenged. I would just like the opportunity to get paid for it instead of spending my entire work time just job hunting with no results.

On the other hand, I found a pair of overalls for Declan today. He looked super cute and I am constantly amazed at how he becomes more of a little person every day.

No Internet

Hello all. No internet on the homefront, so we are only gaining our world-wide-web access through the coffee shop across the street (that closes at 6??). Things are fine here, still just job hunting and getting settled in our new place. Declan has started sleeping in a toddler bed (his bed without a rail) and is doing pretty well. Sleeping in it has been pretty fine, and we even got a nap in today.

We had a surprise visit last week. I wasn't allowed to say anything, but now that the cat is out of the bag to all participants, I feel as though it's fine. Last week Declan and I were out at the library when I got a call from Logan. He told me at first that we really needed to clean so I should come home... and then realizing that DEFINITELY wouldn't get me home (haha) he changed his tune and told me that he had a time sensitive surprise for me. Declan and I got home and lo and behold my aunt and uncle from Boston were there! They just showed up, completely out of the blue and took us out to lunch. They were there to surprise my cousin on his country-wide beer pong league tour and were going to meet up with him in a few days. They surprised him in Corpus Christi, and then Logan, Declan and I surprised him in San Antonio.

We spent the night out there and had a wonderful time together. We went out to eat on the Riverwalk, Logan was a trooper though he smashed his leg up, and Declan was constantly passed around and surrounded by love. It was so nice to see them, but now I am missing home a lot more for sure. I had already been having a hard time without having mommy friends here, but now I miss my family even more.

With the inability to find jobs, and get our real lives started, I am at the point of wanting to run home. Since our lease is up October 31st, if we can't find jobs by then... I don't know what we're going to do. I know that is looking pretty far ahead. I suppose we will have to give it at least another couple of weeks, but then we'll see. I suppose three months isn't really a fair enough chance... but right now I just miss home.

Cowboy Baby

Yesterday in our unpacking, we found the cowboy boots Declan got for his birthday. The exciting news... they finally fit AND he can walk so he can tromp around in them. The even more exciting news is that he loves them. He woke up this morning and saw them sitting next to the other shoes. He brought them over to Logan and by the time I was upstairs, he was already a mini cowboy.

I love watching him care about things and gain preferences for some things over others. He is growing up and growing into himself and his personality. I can't wait to see where it goes.

We have been busy packing and cleaning and moving into our new place, and hopefully will be fully in by this evening. Once we're there, we won't have internet and probably won't until at least one of us has a job and can afford another bill thrown our way. So until then it will be internet on our phones of course, but for the majority of communication- coffee shops and libraries.

Cowboy pictures to come. :-)

Home!

Woo hoo! We have keys to our new (temporary) home! We're there until October 31st, so we have six more weeks to try to get our act together and find something more permanent. It was awesome to see Declan run around in his new place. It's fairly small, nothing super special but it will be full of love and that is all it needs.

We went and explored part of South Congress together. He insisted on being carried all the way to the coffee shop, and then insisted on walking the whole way back. We had no schedule, so we stopped and explored every plant and crack in the sidewalk that we passed. Declan made tons of new friends and got to pet 90% of the dogs that walked by.

Loving watching my boy grow up. I love being able to go to restaurants and have him sit there and dip his chips in queso.

I love watching him rest his feet on the bars underneath the table.

I love watching him explore.

I love watching his curiosity explode in front of me.

To exploring our life of love, laughter and adventures. I'm pretty sure our current motto is "All you need is Love"... and we have a lot of it.

In Love

Ahhh... I'm sitting here completely in love with the two boys next to me. Every day we become closer with each other as individuals and as a family.

Home?

So we're still working hard on getting our selves settled. And by working hard I mean job hunting with a good mix of playing and exploring the city combined with napping and cooking together. (Though we really are job hunting... I promise... but family time is important too)

Home update... it looks as though we have somewhere to call (mostly) our own until the end of October. As long as everything continues to go through like it looks like it should, we will be finishing out the lease of someone that just adopted two puppies and do NOT have enough room for them in their current place. Therefore, we're just going to finish out the last seven or so weeks there while getting jobs to find somewhere more permanent. It will just be a small one bedroom apartment, but that is definitely enough for us right now.

I don't know... I just feel like good things are starting to happen to us, and that it is going to continue that way... it is our time.

Declan is good. He is learning new vocabulary to suit his new surroundings. He says "b" for bird and "TJ" for TJ the cat (whom he adores but Declan losing some of his gentle quality, so I'm not sure the feelings are returned). He wants to walk EVERYWHERE and refuses to sit in the cart at the grocery store and is not a fan of being carried anywhere. This is fine and all... but a little hard when he gets distracted by every single thing he passes. He likes to help do the dishes and laundry and loves washing the table with a sponge. I can't wait until I can get him set up with things on his level to help do chores. He'll love it. He has molars coming in on both the top and the bottom, so he has been a bit cranky and clingy. I mind when I'm trying to do things... but it's not all bad.

I was pretty emotional when actually faced with leaving him when I went to work for those three days. Now I feel as though I don't want to be separated from him at all. It's hard even when he's napping sometimes. It's bizarre, but I feel as though I have a magnet connected to him and my stomach doesn't feel right when I can't see him. I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to do the whole leaving him thing again. I suppose I don't have to worry about that now.

Here is he on his first (but really second... and really last) day of school!