Sunday, February 28, 2010


So things are basically great, and I'm pretty happy. However, there is that one little hitch of school. I have zero time to do anything. Declan takes up 90% of my time. I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to get anything accomplished when he is awake. Besides run after him, get kisses, see him learn how to feed himself with a spoon and pretty much be constantly amazed that something so perfect in my life. Notice that none of those things include homework. That other 10% of my life is pretty much taken up by sleep.

I know that I'm near the end of the race and that the light is right there at the end of the tunnel and blah blah blah, but it is so hard. I constantly feel unprepared and behind and I just can't wait to be done. I am taking a class that I have no idea how to do the work for, and not getting a lot of input from the teacher. I don't have enough time to try to do it well, which makes me just want to give up.

Ugh. Struggling.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Dear Vicky,

Dear Vicky from the pediatricians office,
Thank you so much for being the only person to help me today. You see, we got kicked off of Declan's health insurance in October, and were not informed. We probably got some notice saying that if I failed to send in Declan's birth certificate that we would be kicked off at some point, but since I thought I filled out a paper saying for them to find it because he was born in MA, I thought we were all set. Therefore, I didn't know that we were kicked off and went to the Dr a couple of times in the interim. I wouldn't have done this if I had known we didn't have health insurance.

Now we have a bill of close to $500 for the Dr literally glancing in his ear and declaring he had an ear infection (I knew that one), looking at his hand when it got burned and told me to put bacitracin on it (knew that before I went in too), and his 9 month check up. How they can possibly charge so much for not doing a whole lot I don't quite understand.

Anyway, so Masshealth told me to call Health Safety Net. So I did. And after not being able to get ahold of anyone on the phone for two days, they finally called me back and told me there was nothing they could do to help me because it was a private physician. If I had gone somewhere else they could have helped me. Hello! I wouldn't have gone there if I had known that I wasn't covered in the first place! So... zero help... just attitude.

Also, my ear is killing me. I've had a cold/sinus thing for the last week and it has finally escalated to the point where I'm actually ready to see a Dr. I never go to the Dr. I finally got my paperwork for my health insurance (we are switching to Logan's work insurance in about a month, once he has been full time for three months) with a physician on it. I called them and since I haven't been there before, they can't see me. In fact, not only can they not see me today, but they can't see me for a couple of weeks. I won't be sick still then! And that doesn't help me get better today at all! And I'll be switching health insurance anyway! This is why I don't go to the Dr. It is just so complicated.

So I was in tears. Declan was fighting a nap and was also in tears. I'm pretty sure Logan didn't really know what to do with the two thirds of his family that was breaking down, and I get a phone call from the physician's office. The woman on the phone recognized that I was sick, and was sympathetic. She is going to do her best to try to get some of the costs down, and will call me back on Monday to give me some time to calm down from the whole situation. Thank you. Thank you for being understanding and kind and actually trying to help me out. I wish you knew how much you even realizing that I wasn't feeling well helped.

Sometimes being a grown up really stinks.

Thanks again,

Monday, February 15, 2010


Woo hoo! On vacation at last! This means... more time for homework and cleaning! Wait... what? That's how I'm spending my vacation? I must really have hit mom-dom. Hard.

Don't worry. I'm getting some fun in there. After homework and laundry time today I attempted to ice skate at Frog Pond with Mel and Jake and Geoff. I say attempt because it didn't end up happening due to the pond deciding to rent itself out for the last two hours of the day. Although the website clearly stated that they were open until 9. However, I guess we shouldn't have put too much stock in the website because the manager clearly (and very rudely) stated that it wasn't THEIR website, it was the CITY'S website. While I'm not really sure what the difference is because there is only one website, she then very rudely told us to leave. We then went to Plan B and got some delicious Mac and Cheese at Quincy Market. I recommend this to both grown-ups and kids alike... go to the Mac and Cheese place at Quincy Market! It's great... a million kinds of Mac and Cheese and they make the cheese sauce right in front of you. Wonderful.

Tomorrow Dex and I are headed up to VT with my dad... on our own. Without Logan. He's going to have some actual, real, true alone time. I wonder how he'll spend his pseudo-bachelor time. He said he was probably going to sit around and play video games. I bet he'll also do some really exciting things like... sleep. Dex and I will have adventures on our road trip with Grandpa. More stories to come!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Dear Car Seat Company,

Dear Safety 1st Car Seat Company,
My son threw up twice in your car seat today. Kids throw up. All the time. It happens. So therefore, I need to wash the covers in my car seat. Since the car seat is pretty new, this was the first time I had to take the cover off. This would have been a lot easier if the manual wasn't COVERED in puke! I think that the placement of the instruction manual being UNDER THE SEAT was not a good idea. When anything... juice, throw up, pee... drips down, it goes RIGHT ON the manual. So I had to try to understand your difficult instructions, which were soaking wet, while trying not to get myself covered in the puke as well. Jeez! It took me about 30 minutes while trying to get my son to stop crawling all over the seat while trying to change it.

Thanks a lot for poor planning,

P.S. Please send me a new manual to replace my ruined one. K THX BYE

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Body Image

Alright, so I have been slacking majorly with the working out. What can I say? I have been a bit under the weather and that doesn't make me want to be jumping up and down. Also, my weight went back up a bit, and I know that it's super early on in all of this, but it's still discouraging. So...

2/7 Weight: 157.47 lb (yuck!)
BMI: 22.54

2/9 Weight: 156.7 lb
BMI: 22.44

So when I thought that this goal of losing 3 lb in two weeks was going to be no problem, I may have been a little confused. Ugh, before this baby I'm sure it would have been no problem. I guess I just need to step it up.

But I guess that brings me to something that has started really bothering me. I know that celebrities have always had bodies that are impossible for normal people to achieve, but now I feel that Heidi (from the Hills and what-not) has taken it to the next level of outrageousness. She got 10 plastic surgeries in one day so that she could be more beautiful. And then she goes and speaks about how girls should feel beautiful inside and out. How is that possible when already pretty girls go ahead and change everything about themselves in order to be MORE pretty?

Whatever... off to watch my obsession. Teen Mom! I love anything with babies.

Speaking of babies- one quick word before I'm really off. Today Declan got up into the cabinets at work. The picture of him digging his way to the back totally reminded me of my brother. My mom always says that one day she went into the kitchen and found that he had taken everything out of one of the drawers and was sitting in it grinning at her. I think this is where my life is heading. Wish me luck!

Monday, February 8, 2010

Dreaming of warm weather

Ok, so after kicking my feet for a few minutes (like a three-year-old... and I'm well versed in three-year-olds kicking their feet) I got back to my homework and finished up. I even had time to go grocery shopping with the boys after and watch a movie with Logan. Paper Heart. Cute. Check it out.

Today was fairly uneventful. We're all starting/ending/in the middle of being a bit under the weather. Next week is vacation and I wish I was going somewhere warm.

Thinking warm thoughts...

Sunday, February 7, 2010

I want to collapse

I really do just want to collapse and hide under the covers for a really long time. I have too much on my plate, and while I try really hard to manage it all and balance it all... I'm at the point of breaking again. The part that makes this really to bad is that it is so early in the semester. Tomorrow is only my third class. Yes, I know this is my last class and then I'll be done. It's pretty hard to see to that point, however. I am starting to really not care whether or not I finish.

Who knows if I will even do anything with this anyway? I've been out of college for almost three years, and have done nothing with my degree anyway. I have worked with two years olds, and while that is still in the teaching profession, it is not the same at all as elementary education. I don't know if I even want my own classroom, which is what I have been working towards this whole time. I'm pretty confused... which I know a lot of people are, but I've invested a lot of time and money in this one goal without a lot of wiggle room. I feel stuck.

I also feel like a small child at the moment. I don't feel good (whine whine whine) and I hate blogs that are just "ohhh, I feel blah, and that's about it". Boring. I, at the moment, don't feel blah. I feel angry. I just want to be able to take time and be sick and nap and have people take care of me. Instead, I have to pull myself together and do homework and take care of Declan and continuously baby-proof the apartment that is freezing because heating it is so expensive. I feel guilty for any second I take to rest my eyes, and I feel constantly torn between being a good mom and trying to be a good student. I feel resentful towards Logan for having time off by himself (which is really different than having to leave the house to have time off), and for having his free time be his own. He doesn't have school, and generally when Declan is around... so am I. I know he works hard (and I also know he reads this), and I appreciate him tons. I know he loves me and Declan and our happiness is put before his own. It's just... not fair that I have all this to do. He was so complimentary yesterday, and told me how much he is impressed by all that I do. It was very sweet. The only thing is... I don't want to do it! I want to take a break. I want to be somewhere warm. The cold is bringing me down.

Ugh. The boys are off playing somewhere and I'm at Starbucks attempting to get some homework done, because when I try to get it done at home I fall asleep. And since Logan has worked every single night of the past week and I have taken care of Declan until after his bedtime, I haven't gotten nearly as much done as I would have liked. I hate having to do homework on all of Logan's time off. I never get to see him or do fun things.

Ok. Enough venting. Back to my hundreds of jobs. Student time so that I can get back to wife/mom time.

Friday, February 5, 2010

Woo Hoo!

Ok, so I am officially on Day 6 of working out. By working out I mean... playing games. My kind of working out.

Weight: 154.1 lb
BMI: 22.06

So... it seems as though this is working. I'll admit that I didn't work out yesterday. However, I guess putting in 20-30 minutes of being active actually DOES make a difference. Who would have thought? My constant activity of running after babies and a 3 year old has gotten me pretty far, but I'm happy that I'm taking steps to take care of the rest myself.

We went to Target the other day, and since we are going to Taxas in April I started looking at bathing suits. Now, I know I am a mom now, and I know that my body does not look the same, and two pieces are maybe not the most appropriate for my stretch-mark covered tummy (thanks Dex). However, I got new bathing suits to go to Mexico for our honeymoon when Declan was four months old. I got one pieces. They're alright, the one I actually wear (because the other one is too big) is kind of cute, black, and has a little skirt thing on it. But, when I wear it I feel like a little girl! I HATE it. I feel like it accentuates the little pudge on my belly just like a little girl. So, when I tried on a new bathing suit, I decided I would see how a tankini would fare. At least I would be able to go to the bathroom in it, even if I didn't let my belly see the sun like it used to. But alas, the part that would end up showing is the WORST part of my belly. The little bit of (excuse me for being gross... but at least you don't have to look at it) elephant-skin like jelly at the bottom of my belly.

Those of you that have wives who have given birth and OBVIOUSLY those of you that HAVE know just what I'm talking about. The part that's left over once the actual weight is gone. The HARDEST part to get rid of and the WORST to look at. Oh well. Hopefully this weight loss trend will continue and my belly will tighten up. In two months anything can happen. Should I set a goal? Perhaps the goal to feel comfortable in a... TWO PIECE BATHING SUIT?? (Yes I know, if a bathing suit is to be worn, it will most likely be only around family and not anyone who would care about my bit of pudge and stretch marks... However, I don't know most of Logan's family that well and... I care) Yes. That will be my goal. In two months I would like to feel Ok in a two piece! Here we go!

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Me time?

Today I got a WONDERFUL phone call. My mother-in-law, Janiva (by the way... if you read this and don't want your name used let me know!) called me up, and since she was going to be picking me up from work, and Logan would be working, she was wondering if I would like it if she kept Declan for the night, and I had some... me time.

I hadn't even really thought of real me time in a long time. Pretty much all of my time without Declan is spent either in school or doing something with Logan. Since Logan got his new job, we don't see each other nearly as much, so whenever we have a free moment, we usually take it to spend quality (or errand running) time together. When he's around I don't really want to go off and do my own thing because I feel like I'll be missing out on time together, and time together as a family. So I haven't had real, true, ME time in a long time.

I ended up going out and playing some pool with my brother, who had been asking for some one-on-one time for awhile. It was really nice. Now I get to spend some time with my love. A pretty good day all-in-all.

*Also, I would just like to mention how funny babies are. The boys (10 months and 14 months) are such a team. They play together, laugh at each other, and share everything including germs. Declan tried to climb up the bottom landing of the stairs, and when he got a little stuck, Leo pulled his arm and helped him up the rest of the way. They will be trouble to the max. I love it.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Bad Mommy

Today I was a bad Mommy.
Declan seemed a bit under the weather this morning so I had him stay at home with Logan for the morning. When Logan dropped him off with me, he seemed great. He was happy and he and Leo were causing their usual trouble of bumbling around the house and chit-chatting away to each other. After work we went to help Mel pick out her wedding dress! It was a really great time... and really great to actually do something besides

work, go home, give Declan dinner, put Declan to bed, homework/cleaning/a few minutes of relaxing/pass out

We had fun picking out her amazing dress (I am going to leave it at that in case Dan ever gets ahold of this) and fabulous bridesmaid dresses. In fact... we had so much fun that I ended up staying out until almost 9... bad mommy.

Oh well, he's asleep now. I don't want to jinx it, but he has actually slept through the night for the last two nights. It's been pretty rough with teething.

But on the GOOD Mommy side... even though I am exhausted and have a ton of homework to get done, I actually worked out! (For the third day... don't get too excited) and the results are...

Day 1 (1/31) Weight: 156.7 lb BMI: 22.44
yeah getting home at 10:15 after class meant not working out (2/1)
Day 2 (2/2) Weight: 157.0 lb BMI: 22.47
Day 3 (2/3) Weight: 155.2 lb BMI: 22.22

So... I ACTUALLY lost weight. (Though it's probably just because it's a slightly later time of day) It's not the weight I think about... it's really just the baby belly... but it looks like we're on the right path.

Wish me luck!
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