Friday, April 30, 2010


Making big decisions

Hoping to find some way to untangle this knot in my stomach.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Let it go

Trying to remember how much better it feels to not worry. I know that everything happens for a reason, and everything works out in the end. See the last two years of my life as a great example of that.

Giving one big thing (with many parts) and one little thing over to the powers above.

*Side note:
When on our hike, we got into a conversation with Lauren about what your life motto/ motto for the day would be. In thinking about our team (Logan and Kate/ really Team Griffinhardage) motto, we came up with "Communication" on that day. I, however, had forgotten about our more ongoing motto of "Everything will work out" because that is really the way it has happened for us. So... I change my mind on the team motto.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


So things at home are getting back to normal with the routine in place. Well... mostly in place. Since we forgot Declan's bottles for the trip, he is now weaned off them, and is now learning to go to bed without any milk in his room. Last night was... long.

There were so many good things about our trip, and I think the most important thing is that the "refresh" button seems to have been hit on Logan and my relationship. It was so nice, and different for us, to be able to just spend time together stress-free. I put school on hold for the week, and we just got to sit in the sunshine and read and play footsie. I remembered how much I love him and his smile, and it was great just being able to joke around and be lovey-dovey again.

Insert big sigh of relief here.

The next two weeks will be spent with slightly more stress. I have to finish my one, last (not quite giant but pretty big) paper. I still am having trouble putting even the topic together in my head, but Logan is luckily only working until 4:30 today so he will be picking us up and then taking care of the small one for the evening while I go bury myself in books in the library. I would much rather spend the evening at home... making dinner and cuddling/falling asleep to a movie, but I know that this is what I have to do.

17 days until graduation!

Monday, April 26, 2010

Home Again, Home Again...

So here we are... back at home, and I'm back at work. First I suppose I'll finish updating on the rest of our activities in Texas and then will get more back to my thoughts.

I left us off on Wednesday afternoon. First we went to lunch at ThunderCloud with KC and had some awesome subs. Then we checked out the Austin Children's Museum. I recommend it. It was really great for small ones that are still crawling or just walking. We spent Wednesday night having dinner with Zak, Lauren, and Austin at Z&L's apartment. We there had a delicious pizza dinner and learned more about who gets to take up more space in the apartment. (The answer is not actually Zak or Lauren... It is Zak's bikes) Declan met his new dog-brother, Marlowe, and we had a good time. Especially Declan, who found a new pet... or maybe he was supposed to be Marlowe's pet... I'm not really sure.

Thursday we grabbed Austin (of the person-variety, not the city-variety) and went house hunting. We saw some nice places and learned that we would probably be more interested in living in South Austin rather than the North, and can afford so much more than where we live now for the same price or less than what we pay for our current basement apartment. We had lunch at Chuy's and had so much good Mexican food. It perhaps deserves it's own post... thanks for the suggestion Laura! KC and the boys came over to Jill's for dinner so the little cousins got to play again.

Friday was our last full day in Austin. We spent the morning taking a three-hour hike with Declan in a hiking backpack. It was awesome and also deserves it's own post. Declan was great and had a fun time on Logan, Austin and my back... then my front where he took a nap. Since he had napped we went to lunch at Mr. Natural's, and then went back to Jill's to take a swim. Everyone came over for dinner, and we had a great enchilada casserole and tres leches cake.

Alas we had to leave Saturday morning. We took another plane back to Dallas. We went back to Logan's dad's house where Declan took a nap and we waited for Chuck and Jess to arrive from OK. They came and we all went to have a delicious sushi meal. (Although I never thought I would be the one to suggest sushi) After driving for a bit we found a really cool playground in West Dallas. It was kind of artsy... the play structures were more like fun sculptures that spun and bounced.

After our mini-trip back to Dallas, it was once again time to jump on a plane SUPER EARLY Sunday morning. Declan was good... but a little more fussy than the other plane rides. He was getting worn out for sure. He fell asleep in the last fifteen minutes of the plane ride only to have to wait around in the airport for four hours waiting for our layover flight. One more plane-ride and shuttle drive and we arrived home at last. Realizing we had no milk or food in the house, we hopped back in the car and got groceries. Back to real life.

And now I'm back at work and we are working on getting back to routine. Home again, home again, jiggedy jig.

Austin Children's Museum

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


So folks, we are smack in the middle of our trip to Texas, and while I have a moment I figured I would give a quick update for those missing us at home. Our trip has been absolutely wonderful so far. I'll try to give an overview, but sitting in the sunshine with my husband while our baby takes a nice nap may lead to some distractions.

Boston to Dallas. What can I say? I am so lucky to have such a wonderful child. Declan was so excited to be at the airport and amused everyone sitting around him by his popping up and down around the windows to look at the planes. Thank goodness the windows go down to the floor. I learned a lesson about nagging Logan... that sometimes it does have a point. After getting through security, I asked him (although I figured he had done what I had asked him and told me five times already) if he had packed the bottle in the carry-on or in the checked bag. He looked at me like a deer in headlights and admitted that he had totally forgotten a bottle at all. So no bottle for Declan on the plane. OK, so seemingly disaster one. We had purposely waited until after our trip to wean him off of a bottle. Well... it seems as though we were being pushed in a different direction. Declan is being weaned off of a bottle right now.

We were seated right behind another couple with a baby that was only a few weeks younger than Declan. So they had a great time looking at each other, grabbing each other's hands and playing. However, this meant that Declan did not go to sleep. For a long time. He had more energy than I have ever seen him have. He was looking up front, to the back, standing in our laps and then doing the most amazing flips that I have only ever seen a water mammal do before. Eventually he fell asleep (with only a sippy cup and no medication). He then slept for the rest of the plane ride.

TIPS FOR TRAVELLING WITH AN INFANT: Sippy cup or bottle for sure, some small toys though they only hold their attention for about two minutes and LOTS of snacks. I think Declan ate for about 2/3 of the plane rides and I think the chewing helped with his ears.

We then arrived in Dallas where we got to meet Logan's Dad and stepmom for the first time. We got to show off our beautiful, well behaved child, and it was a good time. We spent the next day going out to lunch with some of Logan's friends and then had dinner with Logan's family at his sister Jenny's house. We had some delicious pasta, and Declan got to play with his 5 year old cousin Abby and his 3 year old cousin Owen. They were adorable together, and it was really nice to see the dynamic between them.

That was Saturday. Sunday was a pretty chill day. We let Declan sleep as much as he wanted (and since he had been waking up the household at 2am screaming because of teething we were grateful for any moments of down time). We then went out with Jenny, Abby, and Cory and had a nice afternoon letting the kiddos run around at the playground and eating at Souper Salad. I have been hearing Logan talk about this place for a long time and was pretty happy we got to go and experience the buffet. The best part was Abby;s sharing. She came over to Declan with her vanilla ice cream cone. (Now, just a note... we really don't ever give Declan sugar at all, so this was a pretty rare treat) She had her cone and a spoon and would spoon little bites into Declan's mouth. It was adorable. Declan was in love.

Monday morning we met up with my cousin, Brendan for breakfast. We went to the Original Pancake House, which had Texas sized portions for sure. After a great meal, we dropped him off and packed the fastest possible to catch our plane to Austin. We got picked up by Logan's Aunt Jill and went to Freddie's Place for dinner. (I don't know if you have noticed a theme here, but eating is a pretty important part of our trip so far). There we met up with a bunch of people from Logan's family. After catching up, we needed to get the little man in bed, so we headed back to Jill and Dennis's house.

I don't know how to even describe their house and the view. It is like a hotel . They live right on the edge of a huge cliff overlooking a big forest, and their house is infused with nature. From the pool to the reading chairs next to the fireplace outside to our own guest house... I am in love. This house may have a pretty big affect in the decision to move or not.

Oh right! We are in decision making mode about moving now!

Yesterday, Tuesday, we went and saw (and I met for the first time) Logan's grandpa, and had a nice lunch with him. Declan was more interested in crawling under the piano while we were there than eating, but it all worked out. We met up with my friend Mat for dinner at the Green Mesquite and Declan fell in love again. He and mat clicked instantly and I'm pretty sure that Declan (and I for sure) was sad to see him go.

We have been spending our nights reading by the fireplace and our days exploring and taking down time by the pool. Declan has his own personal swing and sandbox, and loves getting to be outside all the time. We will be going to look at some houses tomorrow, and after the rest of our time here, we will have a discussion and make a decision about moving soon. So for now, I am going to go and enjoy the sunshine and my husband's company.

Love to all (both here and back home!)

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Easter (belated)

I haven't done any good photo shoots of Dex lately. But here he is on Easter. The love of my life for sure.


So I think that (hopefully) I have had a breakthrough with this sadness that I have been battling. I know that I have been feeling stressed, and that has not been helping anything. We are less than four days away from vacation (yay!) which means less than four days to get my work done (yikes!). Yesterday I made a to do list, which really helped put things in perspective about how it is doable.

-Read article on Shoah (done because my teacher cancelled it already)
-Obtain Shoah
-Watch Shoah (4 1/2 hours to watch part one of this movie)
-Write response
-Write rough draft of final paper (But it doesn't have to be final yet... that's the part that I was freaking out about)
-Clean house
-Get on plane

See? That's not that bad. I can totally do it. Right? Right. Now if Declan will only sleep at night then I can have a chance to get it done.

The second part of my breakthrough is that I have been totally humbled in the last few days and have realized just how selfish I have been. I have realized more and more that after Logan and I have had a fight, and then have cooled down and talked we can have much more rational conversations... and our communication is improving. I have been trying to be more conscious about his complaints/constructive criticism and I have realized that he was right. I have definitely let my feelings turn me into a much more negative person and I need to watch out for just using him as a venting post. Next step... finding the line between shoulder to cry on and having him not want to talk to me because of the negativity that will ensue. Never really having a long term relationship before (just long term messes), I have had a lot of learning to do in working with someone rather than working next to someone. It has made it a lot harder with our relationship being pretty much started with pregnancy and new parenthood along with getting to know one another. Every day has joy, a lot have challenges, but knowing that he will be next to me in the morning no matter what happens means more than anything.

The third thing in realizing that I have really only been thinking about myself has been the introduction of others needing me (even if it's just through my thoughts). My thoughts have been going out to those around me who need good energy thrown their way, and it has changed the way I have been feeling about myself. I tend to think of myself as unselfish, because I am constantly running around doing things for other people and not thinking of myself. However, I need to take a step back and think about if I am really doing things for others, or if I am doing things for others to make myself feel like a good person. I think I need to actually start taking some time for myself to be able to do things for others and not resent that I am not doing anything for myself so that I can happily do things for them and not want to throw it in their face and want things in return.

So there you have it I suppose. In taking a look at the load of work I have, I will get school done, and then really take a look at the amount I put on my plate. I will try to keep it so that I can continue to be the positive person I used to be, and put smiles on my husband's face rather than complaints in his ear. I will take time for myself (once school is over) to fortify the time I spend doing things for others.

I will breathe.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Fighting It

Still fighting the super down feeling.

It's hard.

I've gone through some pretty rough periods before. I'm hoping that most people see the happy exterior and think that is all that there is (or mostly... obviously no one is happy ALL the time). And I really have been way happier recently than I was in most of the previous years. An unbelievable amount of happiness for me, really.

You see, I've been seeing therapists on and off since third grade. I've been on meds a couple of times. Not for great lengths of time since the ended up making me feel crazier than I already was. So, I've been trying to fight these feelings for a long time. It's so hard to feel myself being pulled back in that direction again. I know where this road can lead and I know how quickly I can fall. I feel as though I am running up the down going escalator and I need to watch my step so that I don't trip and land at the bottom. I just want to reach the top. And I don't know how.

I'm sure that this coming at a time of great stress and exhaustion and pressure is no coincidence. However, it makes it 2734990 times harder to get what I need to do finished.

It is the loneliest feeling in the world. Most of my friends are gone, and I really miss (but not really) being in a place in my life where I could just hide the sadness with partying and the things that go along with that. Now that I'm a mom I just have to deal and play and get out of bed and make sure Declan isn't tearing the house apart... but I just really want to give up sometimes. I know for sure that Logan doesn't understand. I also know that isn't his fault. And I know that not being able to control my thoughts isn't helping the lines of communication which are only starting to build up since we're still new in our relationship. Which doesn't help make me feel any better.

I have become aware of the amount of complaining that I do. And I know I need to stop. But I just can't find my flashlight to get myself out of this cave. I think Declan took it. And probably put it in his mouth. Which ruined it (like the personal scanner at the grocery store that he ate and ruined). Soooo... until I find that new flashlight I am fighting and fighting and searching for that light at the end of the tunnel. (I suppose it would be better to think about it as a tunnel which has an end rather than a cave which generally only leads to more darkness... though it feels more like a cave)

Trying to stay positive.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010


I wish I knew why I feel the way I do right now.

Things in my life are fine. Logan and I are good, we both have stable jobs and are stable financially, we are able to take care of our son in all the ways that we can, and it was an absolutely gorgeous day out today.

Why am I so sad?

The past couple of days I have just felt so down. I don't know if it's because I am putting myself in the shoes of one of my friends too much. I don't know if it's just the end of school looming nearer, and not knowing what I'm going to do after. Maybe the fact that the decision to move to Texas is coming nearer and I'm so nervous about thinking about it. I was already a little down when I spoke to someone on the phone yesterday. I really want to watch what I say here, because I love the person very much and don't want to say anything I would regret... but they hurt my feelings a lot. I felt as though they were belittling my accomplishments in graduating with my Master's. I felt as though my special moment was nothing, and that I was being called selfish for thinking that I was special. I was told that was saying that I was better than other people and that they were below me.

That is not how I feel at all. Can't you feel special without thinking that there are people below you? Don't you want all of your children, friends, brothers, spouses... to feel as though they are special. You obviously think that they are special. You probably tell them they are special and they deserve the world. Why does that change if they start to believe you?

I think that in the last two years I have worked pretty hard. I worked full time the whole time, took three classes in my first trimester of being pregnant, two classes while having a newborn and planning a wedding, and three classes with an under one year old and a husband that works most nights and weekends. Don't I deserve a day to feel special, up on a pedestal so that I can shine and think of myself for just a moment? Is that so wrong?

Monday, April 5, 2010

Who are we?

It is interesting to try and put yourself in a box. I know, I know... why would you want to be in a box anyway? I was just thinking about it.

Yesterday morning Logan, Declan and I went out to an Irish pastry shop that is down our street. While we were there, we saw a family with a 2 1/2 year old child. Now... I really don't judge people because I think that you can't judge anyone besides yourself, but I do like to people watch. These parents were sitting there with sweaters tied around their shoulders, hair pulled back nice and neat and spent the time out with their family on the phone changing their plans for later that day, instead of actually enjoying where they were. Seeing them on their phones with their sweaters around their necks made me automatically put them in my "yuppie parent" box. That made me start thinking about how we looked with Logan's scruff, my crazy curly hair, and our child who had no shoes on his feet (it was so warm that his feet would have been sweating... and who wouldn't rather be in bare feet). Those other parents probably put us in their... hippy parent box?

I don't know what we are. I wouldn't say hippy... though I would rather be outside every minute than stuck inside for no reason, and I would rather give my child a healthy eating habit than stuff them full of sugar. We're not hipster parents though I do love my chucks and can't wait for an opportunity to go shopping by myself (sorry Dex) to get a new pair of skinny jeans. I definitely don't like to stay home and cook, we're not unintelligent, we're not rocket scientists... who are we? Where do we fit in with the young parents of today?
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...