Saturday, April 10, 2010

Fighting It

Still fighting the super down feeling.

It's hard.

I've gone through some pretty rough periods before. I'm hoping that most people see the happy exterior and think that is all that there is (or mostly... obviously no one is happy ALL the time). And I really have been way happier recently than I was in most of the previous years. An unbelievable amount of happiness for me, really.

You see, I've been seeing therapists on and off since third grade. I've been on meds a couple of times. Not for great lengths of time since the ended up making me feel crazier than I already was. So, I've been trying to fight these feelings for a long time. It's so hard to feel myself being pulled back in that direction again. I know where this road can lead and I know how quickly I can fall. I feel as though I am running up the down going escalator and I need to watch my step so that I don't trip and land at the bottom. I just want to reach the top. And I don't know how.

I'm sure that this coming at a time of great stress and exhaustion and pressure is no coincidence. However, it makes it 2734990 times harder to get what I need to do finished.

It is the loneliest feeling in the world. Most of my friends are gone, and I really miss (but not really) being in a place in my life where I could just hide the sadness with partying and the things that go along with that. Now that I'm a mom I just have to deal and play and get out of bed and make sure Declan isn't tearing the house apart... but I just really want to give up sometimes. I know for sure that Logan doesn't understand. I also know that isn't his fault. And I know that not being able to control my thoughts isn't helping the lines of communication which are only starting to build up since we're still new in our relationship. Which doesn't help make me feel any better.

I have become aware of the amount of complaining that I do. And I know I need to stop. But I just can't find my flashlight to get myself out of this cave. I think Declan took it. And probably put it in his mouth. Which ruined it (like the personal scanner at the grocery store that he ate and ruined). Soooo... until I find that new flashlight I am fighting and fighting and searching for that light at the end of the tunnel. (I suppose it would be better to think about it as a tunnel which has an end rather than a cave which generally only leads to more darkness... though it feels more like a cave)

Trying to stay positive.

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