Two Days Left

It feels weird with not blogging in awhile. I've been busy packing and organizing and fighting for any sleep that I can find. Two nights left in this apartment. Two days to finish packing. Ahhh... the etiquette of writing online. I have so many stories of why I am so glad to get out of this apartment, but perhaps should take the high road and keep it to myself (in written form anyway) so as to not offend any future landlords that may find this/ the current ones I have if they even know how to use the internet? Is that being too cautious? Oh well... I suppose too cautious for now annddddd perhaps stories with pseudonyms later? They're pretty good stories. Oh well. We'll see.

There isn't too much to keep everyone informed of. I have entered unemployement/ stay-at-home mom phase. I hate how much pressure there is to get a job. I'm not quite sure how to say what I feel without offending either SAHM's or working moms. I suppose I'll just say that I wish I had the opportunity to enjoy being a SAHM. I feel like the time I have at home will be full of running around and trying to find a job while I wish I could just enjoy the summer and sunshine with my little one. However, I know we're not in the place to be able to do that. I will FOR SURE still enjoy my sunny days with my sunny boy, but I suppose I should just say that I will move onward and upward and not let that little thought of pressure get to me. I will let it drive me to find the perfect situation for our family... but will not let it get me down.

For now I should get back to finding the motivation to get back to packing and not let the bed catch my attention. Oh hello there...

Teething

Poor Declan. Teething is getting the best of all of us.

Close!

Oh Dear Blog World. To those who keep up with this (with only 7 followers it's hard to know who actually reads this thing), we are getting close to life changing time. Moving is a week from TOMORROW. Yikes! So much to do that I am hopefully alleviating some of the stress by slight venting here first. I'm not sure if I said it before but our plan is to put our stuff in storage up here while figuring out job stuff down there. Once Logan's transfer goes through or I get a job... we're there.

I am getting super anxious about everything that will be happening in the next few weeks, and it doesn't help that a lot of it is up in the air. I am currently trying to just breathe and know that it will work out just the way that it is supposed to. Wish me luck with that and with packing.

Pocket

Today was one of those days. I just wanted to curl Declan up, just the way he is, and put him in my pocket and keep him there forever. Some days, most days, aren't that way. He is generally good-natured, but recently has been learning about his own free will and I get overwhelmed with the test of my patience. But today... I pretty much just marveled at the beauty that I get to call my own.

He kept looking at me with those big blue eyes that my DNA won on. He is so proud of himself for his many accomplishments of pulling things apart and (attempting to) putting them back together. He has given me so many kisses in the last two days. Big, wet, open mouth kisses. Apparently it is also funny to talk while giving these big sloppy kisses, and also stare me right in the eyes. He is currently fascinated by my face and I can feel the love radiating from him. I've been reading a lot more mommy blogs from people who seem to be able to stop and enjoy their kids much more than most. I am so lucky that I get to spend all day with my love. I get to watch him grow in front of my eyes, not hear about it from the other person watching him all day. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do that.

I think that he would absolutely thrive in a daycare type situation. He LOVES other kids, loves keeping busy, and would have no separation problems at all (I think). However, I don't know what I'll do when I don't get to just look over at my lookalike whenever I want. I ache already and he is in the room down the hall.

But I don't need to worry about that today. Today I just need to be in love.

Bah!

Moving is SO expensive.
We are out of our apartment two weeks from today.
We are not packed.
We have so much stuff.
And we have no idea where we are going after that.
Logan's work is being SO slow with getting back to us.
And I have no job and none in sight.
I would get any job I could... except that I have to take care of Declan and childcare is mad expensive and Logan's schedule changes every day.

Slightly stressed.

Two Years

Wow. Logan and I have made it to two years. Well... two years of being together, not two years of being married, but for those that know us we were pretty much married day one. So for those of you that don't know... this is the story of Logan and Kate.

I worked at Newton Montessori School in Newton Center. Logan worked at the Starbucks around the corner. For most of the school year, I would grab a coffee (vanilla latte actually) here and there and mildly flirt with the guy behind the counter. Or... the "cute guy that works at Starbucks" to those closest to me.

ONE TIME I saw him out in public. We ended up at the same show out in Allston. This was right before my birthday. He, of course, was the guy wearing the gorilla suit. Why wouldn't the guy I liked be the one wearing a gorilla suit at a show in November? We talked for a few minutes but it didn't amount to much. (He claims now that he really wanted to talk to me for longer but he had to go because his ride was leaving... yeah yeah yeah)

I would pretty much go in only when I saw him behind the counter because I wasn't really a huge coffee person and also it cost mad bucks to go to Starbucks a lot. I got a few giftcards for Christmas so I went quite a bit more then. After the cards ran out I stopped going until the New England Winter had finally thawed and I would be able to take walks again during my break.

When I finally returned he welcomed me with a "Hey there stranger! We missed you!" I was pretty surprised that he remembered me because I really didn't go in that often. I told him that the school year was almost over and I would be leaving soon. My plan was to move out to OK and go to grad school there. He told me to come back another day. So I did... and he wasn't there. I went back the day after and told him that I was disappointed that he wasn't there. I told him AGAIN that I was leaving soon and he FINALLY gave me his number written on receipt paper. I texted him the next day with my number. That was a Friday. Sunday was Father's Day, and I had spent the night before up in VT with my dad. When I got back I got a phone call and it was from Logan. He said he was having a few people over to watch some movies and I should come too. I agreed.

I really almost didn't go. It's probably not super safe for a girl to go to the house of a guy that she really doesn't know. I went anyway. And instead of a bunch of people watching movies it ended up being us and his roommate Bill watching the Celtics. We watched the game, then the two of us watched a movie. Logan loves to tell the story about how long it took him to get up the courage to get his arm around me. He relays that he just started lifting his arm and I pretty much leaped into cuddle mode.

He lived super close to my work, and it would have made my commute so much longer if I went home at like 2am when the movie was over. So I stayed. It was super PG and really sweet to have someone to cuddle with. The next morning I went to work and was pretty giddy the whole time. I met up with him after work and finally got it through to him that my plan was to go to OK in two weeks. He told me to go home, get my stuff, and spend every minute with him until I left. He helped me move out of my apt... and took trips to VT and CT and met my parents, nana, and family members along the way. I knew I was in something big.

I was planning on spending the week in West Virginia with my mom before I headed out cross country. My car was being inspected while I was away. During this time away from Logan I knew that I couldn't be away from him again. When his Grandma passed while I was away on vacation I knew I would have done absolutely anything to get back to him. I knew it was love. My car was found to be not suitable for driving cross country, so I decided instead of fighting it I would just stay. And stay I did. When I got back I stayed with him while thinking about apartment hunting. Then just stayed.

We found out we were pregnant a month and a half into our relationship. I am so lucky to have already had things been the way that they were. I knew I had found my partner in life and love and now parenting. Our relationship sped forward. I am so grateful that it did. We were forced to grow up instead of drinking every day and making stupid mistakes because of it. Logan often drives me crazy, and sometimes I really wonder if we're going to be able to make it work. But we have already grown so much together and I am so lucky to be able to watch him blossom into a loving father and wonderful husband. I really do love him with all my heart and know how lucky I am to have such a caring man in my life.

Till the wheels fall off.

Everything's gonna be all right

I haven't written too much lately. I feel as though I'm not quite sure what words actually want to escape my mouth, my fingers, anything. We're in the process of leaving our apartment with nowhere to go. Not nowhere exactly... we have family and friends and would never be put on the streets. However, we started this journey a month and a half ago and seem to be no closer to any answers. Things are still in progress with Logan's work. I still haven't found a job and am slightly terrified that I won't. I'm just so tired and I think my subconscious is unwilling to realize that this is really happening. I need to pack and get rid of things and job search but all I want to do is sleep.

Am I so naive in thinking that things will work out? Or am I just really accepting that my life is fine the way it is and I'm not going to stress about it. I think my family thinks I'm crazy. I think they are having a hard time with our lack of plan. How can I explain that I just know it will be fine. We are young, we still have each other, and support and we will be fine. I'm going to stay happy and take naps and not stress.

Naptime

I seriously love the sound of silence more than I knew possible. And it dawned on me that I really AM (hopefully) becoming less selfish in the fact that more than I love the boys napping to get some quiet time... I really love knowing that they are getting the rest that they need. When they take super short naps I just feel bad that they aren't going to have as peppy and energetic an afternoon as they could be. When Declan woke up BEFORE 5 yesterday and then only took an slightly-over-an-hour nap... I just knew he wouldn't be as happy as he could be.

So anyway... nothing really new to report from the moving front. Things are just moving along I guess. Our apartment is starting to be shown so we have to attempt to keep it clean. Good luck to us. Declan pretty much makes that impossible seeing as he continuously knocks everything off every surface he can reach.

Thinking about having an estate sale for all those nearby. The last weekend in June. The 26th and 27th. Please come. I want to move as little as possible so I want to get rid of as much as possible.

Anyway... pretty excited for the weekend. Logan has Friday night, Saturday AND Sunday off so we actually get to have a real weekend together. My mom is coming up Saturday so we get to hang out then have a date night (which is sorely needed at this point) and then Mel's Bridal Shower is Sunday. Have I mentioned how nice it is to not be in school and actually get to live my life?

Life and Death

Where to start? Right now my head is such a jumble that I am having a pretty hard time getting it straight. I don't really want to speak too much about other people's personal life, but they seem pretty straightforward on their posts on facebook, so I'm assuming that their situation is not a secret.

Basically, someone I know is having a rough time, to put it lightly. Their dad has been battling cancer since Thanksgiving, and this week seems to be the last stretch. My heart feels like it is being torn apart for them and their family. It was a little over two years ago that I was dealing with sitting by a deathbed just waiting. Waiting for anything, waiting for something, watching the numbers on the screens move up and down and having my heart race and drop along with them. I sat by my uncle in his last moments, and was part of the family meeting to decide to stop the medical help being given to him. I watched as they turned the machines off and as his chest rumbled with his last breaths. I stood by my mother and his partner, and watched him die.

This was my uncle. I absolutely can't imagine watching my father through a similar situation. My son's grandfather. My heart breaks for them, and I wish I knew the words to give any comfort. For now, I'm just trying to stay as helpful as I can.

The other part of my mood is that I'm having a hard time with thinking about getting pregnant again. At this time, I have zero desire to have another child. I always wanted to have my children close to each other in age, but I don't know if I can handle it now. In this past month, I have- for the first time in my life... even with my not so innocent past- considered taking the morning after pill. When I had the first signs of having my period again, I almost lost my mind thinking about implantation bleeding. There wasn't even a reason to worry, but the thought alone terrified me. It feels as though all my plans for the future have changed, and I don't know when or if I'll be ready to "try again." For the last few weeks I have thought that I was fine and that life had moved on, but I know that something has changed inside me for sure. Hopefully not forever, but we'll see.

For now I'm just going to try and stay calm and not overreact. I'm going to attempt to clean and pack and get some sort of peace inside myself.

One day...

Maybe one day my little man will be a boat captain.

Up in the air

Right now I feel an interesting mix of pressure and ease. Our life is about to make a major change (I think, I hope). For now, though, we're not entirely sure when or how that change is going to happen. And for the most part, I'm ok with that. I've accepted that things are up in the air. I will keep applying for jobs and see what happens. Our lease is up July 1, so we are out of here then but things will depend on our job situations. I have accepted that we may be vagrants for a small while during our transition time. That's ok. We'll get a pod or storage space for our stuff and we'll figure it out.

The pressure part comes in from people asking questions about what we're going to do. When I say that I'm not really sure they raise their eyebrows. But you know what? That's ok too. We haven't really done things traditionally around here to start with. I like our life and love my boys. As long as we're together we will be ok. The money part will work itself out as long as we are following our hearts. We have so much support from family and friends that there is no way we could ever fail.

We're just doing our own thing. And we're happy. And that is all that matters.

Close-minded people

Sometimes I get so tired of all the close-minded people in the world. I think that there are so many people with different thoughts and ideas that it is insane to think that you are the only one that is right. I think that everyone should have their own opinions, and not be afraid to share them with others- if they are willing to listen to other people as well.

Some people think that they are super open-minded, when what they really are is open-minded about BEING open-minded, and don't actually listen to their own advice. They spurt self-help ideas but don't listen when you tell them something. They are so focused on fixing that they don't actually hear you.

Some people spew religious or political ideas thinking that things are black and white and that they know right from wrong. They try to shove their ideas down your throat and close their ears when you try to suggest that things may be a different way than they think. Most of those people probably think that A. I'm going to Hell or B. I have no reason to talk because most of the time I keep quiet about those things anyway. Well, it's because while I have my own opinions... I don't know if they are right. Even if I am sure that I am right, I usually have enough respect for others to let their opinions exist too. I'm not about shutting people down.

It seems to me that these close-minded people end up only being surrounded by people of the same mindset because they lose everyone with a differing opinion. Why would someone try to talk to a person that keeps shutting them down with a smile on their face because they see themselves as "winning"? This is trouble.

I'm not sure if there is anything to be done, because these are the type of people that won't change their mind anyway. I'm just going to surround myself with people of differing opinions that are willing to listen to each other. That doesn't mean that they have to change their minds... but respect for each other would be nice.

Sunshine

The last few days have been pretty great. I spent the weekend NOT being stuck without a car. We had a nice BBQ on Monday and it was really nice to see my friends. Yesterday was muggy, but the thunderstorm cleared that up... and it caused the boys to take super naps. Then I went out to see Sex and the City with Jess and Dayna last night. I felt bad that Declan had spent so many nights not in his own crib recently (although I was with him for most of the time... just not at our house) but it was so nice to be able to go out and hang out with my girls. We then found a place with half price apps, AND they gave us a free pizza in addition to the one that apparently had too many bubbles in it? We thought they were both delicious and ended up with so much pizza.

The moving/packing is going ok. We have one big shelf packed up and given away already... which isn't that much, but it's better than my usual idea that there should be no packing before the day of the move. So... it's looking like Texas is still on the top of the list. There were a few set-backs, but I think it's in our hearts and will end up happening. Just not quite sure how and exactly when yet. Logan put in for a transfer, so we have to see how all that pans out and what happens my way with a job. For now we're just blowing in the wind and seeing where life takes us. And instead of worrying about our next step I think I'm just going to enjoy the ride. We have each other. We'll make it work.