Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Life and Death

Where to start? Right now my head is such a jumble that I am having a pretty hard time getting it straight. I don't really want to speak too much about other people's personal life, but they seem pretty straightforward on their posts on facebook, so I'm assuming that their situation is not a secret.

Basically, someone I know is having a rough time, to put it lightly. Their dad has been battling cancer since Thanksgiving, and this week seems to be the last stretch. My heart feels like it is being torn apart for them and their family. It was a little over two years ago that I was dealing with sitting by a deathbed just waiting. Waiting for anything, waiting for something, watching the numbers on the screens move up and down and having my heart race and drop along with them. I sat by my uncle in his last moments, and was part of the family meeting to decide to stop the medical help being given to him. I watched as they turned the machines off and as his chest rumbled with his last breaths. I stood by my mother and his partner, and watched him die.

This was my uncle. I absolutely can't imagine watching my father through a similar situation. My son's grandfather. My heart breaks for them, and I wish I knew the words to give any comfort. For now, I'm just trying to stay as helpful as I can.

The other part of my mood is that I'm having a hard time with thinking about getting pregnant again. At this time, I have zero desire to have another child. I always wanted to have my children close to each other in age, but I don't know if I can handle it now. In this past month, I have- for the first time in my life... even with my not so innocent past- considered taking the morning after pill. When I had the first signs of having my period again, I almost lost my mind thinking about implantation bleeding. There wasn't even a reason to worry, but the thought alone terrified me. It feels as though all my plans for the future have changed, and I don't know when or if I'll be ready to "try again." For the last few weeks I have thought that I was fine and that life had moved on, but I know that something has changed inside me for sure. Hopefully not forever, but we'll see.

For now I'm just going to try and stay calm and not overreact. I'm going to attempt to clean and pack and get some sort of peace inside myself.

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