I'm back!

Hey all. I hope I didn't leave you all in suspense while I took a week off. (Who am I kidding... I'm sure no one cares) The small one and I took a trip to CT to see my mom. We had a family photo shoot on the beach resulting in some great/hilarious pictures. *One of my favorite moments was when we went to get ice cream from the ice cream truck - for only $1, how can you beat it- and we were all dressed head to toe in matching long sleeve shirts and jeans while everyone around us was in tiny shorts and bathing suits. Pretty funny* Declan and I took some time in with Gramby and spent a lot of time napping and on the beach.

I don't know if I mentioned it before but he's walking now!! Therefore, has been getting pretty tired from all his extra hard work.

The move is less than two weeks away, as is Mel's (and Casey's) wedding! Pretty stoked to have had some great bachelorette parties in the last weekend. Now pretty excited for the upcoming ceremonies (though I will only be able to attend one). We're leaving the 8th... the day after the wedding. Little man will be watched up here and flown down a few days later so we don't have to be fighting a 16 month old the whole way. Thank goodness.

I'm not really sure what else to say. Had to start paying back student loans today. That means I REALLY need to get my act together and find a job so I'm not left with nothing. I feel a little all over the place, with the house hopping and being jobless. I'm mostly ok, and pretty excited about everything, but there are some moments that hit me with the no-hope-of-a-job thing. I'm sure it will all work out once we're there but only time will tell I guess.

Until then... more packing will ensue!

TEXAS

So guys. Here's the big update I guess. Our plan to move to Texas has been put in action. Well... soon anyway. We're going to be leaving MA and heading due South August 8th. So I'll get to see pretty much all of my family at Mel's wedding the day before we leave. No jobs as of yet, but things are looking ok for Logan. We've been given the opportunity for a place to stay while getting settles sooo... time to make the leap.

I'm excited and nervous. It'll be good (but better once I find a job)!

Sidenote: It was a lot harder to write this and put it into words than I thought. Being real is kind of scary.

Expectations

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about expectations. I suppose that there is the theory that if you have expectations then you will only meet disappointment - or that if you have low expectations you will be pleasantly surprised. I don't know how I feel about that. I think that if you don't have any expectations... how are you supposed to have any hopes or dreams or goals? If there is no standard for things in your life... how will you know how to recognize things that will make you happy?

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that everything in life has to reach these high unachievable standards and I will be miserable until that happens. Not at all. I am constantly learning to take a step back and see the good in the things surrounding me. However, I do have some expectations for things in my life. I have some expectations about what job I will take. I have expectations about the qualities my friends must have. I have expectations of myself. And I have expectations about love.

I feel as though I'm at a pretty big turning point in my life right now. We're about to make the plunge to Texas (more about that in a different post), I am unemployed with nothing hopeful in sight, we have been having to rely on others for so much help in the last few weeks (which is something I'm really not comfortable with) and in this move I am about to leave my family- my support system. I am okay with most of this, but recently I have been feeling really unbalanced, like I am floating through the universe without something to hold on, and like I really want/need to figure out what I want from life since this is my opportunity to get it.

I feel as though some of my expectations for things around me are changing as my universe changes. This affects many things including relationships. I don't really know what to do about any of it. I want what is going to make me happy- I NEED what will make me happy. But how do I know if I my expectations are just too high and I would be happier lowering them rather than striving for the impossible? I feel really lost.

Dear Declan

Dear Declan,
Over the past 15 months I have fallen more in love than I knew possible. Every day you teach me about love and patience and joy (along with frustration and exhaustion, but we'll focus on the good here). I have had the privilege of being able to watch as you have achieved so many things. I have watched you learn to roll over, sit up, crawl, pull yourself up, and I am about to watch you learn to walk. I cannot tell you how much excitement and anxiety I feel over this upcoming moment. You are SO close, and I know that those first steps will be into true toddler-hood, into independence, and the start of taking steps away from me.

I know that is the way that it should be. It is not my job to raise you to hang onto my leg at every moment, but to raise you up so you can run and soar on your own. However, it is terrifying knowing how close this next step is. Some babies go from crawling to walking so fast that people don't even notice the change. You have taken your time- knowing that crawling is what you are good at so why would you try something different? I have gotten to savor each change in your mobility. I feel like my days are lived in complete anticipation right now, just waiting. I don't want to push you into anything, but I am so excited to see how proud of yourself you will be. And I know you will be so proud. I can picture the ear-to-ear grin right now and my heart swells.

You haven't started to say "mama" yet, and that's ok because I know you love me. However, more than saying "mama" I would LOVE it if you started walking while I was around. I am with you 90% of the time, so this shouldn't be a problem, but please, please let me share in this joy. It's been you and me (and daddy... but mostly you and me) so far kid and I feel as though we're in it together at this point.

I love you more than you know,

Mommy

To the Stay at Home Moms

OK. So I know it's rude to talk about financial stuff with people and whatever but... I am seriously curious as to how people actually make this stuff work. How do you stay at home moms afford it? Is is that your hubbies/baby daddies make enough to support you? Do you live with them/your parents/other financial supporters? Do you do things on the side to make some cash here and there? Do you work from home? If so... what do you do and how do you do it?

I am finding applying for jobs to be a task that gets harder every day. When every day feels like Saturday and I still have Declan to take care of, and Logan's schedule changes every day... I just can't seem to make myself hide somewhere and sit down and work for hours on cover letters and applications when I have so far heard VERY little back from companies. People my age sympathize and have also had a hard time. People of another generation say that this is just the way that companies work. I guess it's just the way that they work, but why does it have to be this way? I'm not expecting to get things handed to me or have them be easy... but hearing SOMETHING back would be great. I totally understand why people give up. I'm just at the point of wondering if there is some other way to go about this. Can I work from home somehow? Can I make money with odd-jobs or something?

Please... any opinions or comments would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!

To My Wonderful Husband

I didn't end up writing a Father's Day post to brag about the wonderful man in my life. Things have been busy and stressful and we've both been dealing with a lot. I guess I wrote about him recently with our anniversary, but with the last few days, it didn't do him justice.

To my rock,
Thank you so much for everything you do. Watching you blossom into a grownup is the biggest blessing. You have grown from a party frat guy into a responsible (mostly) husband and father. Every day I get to wake up in your arms and I can't tell you how special I feel knowing that no matter what I look like, you will smile and kiss me and say "Good morning, beautiful." Seriously. You seem to enjoy my bed-head. Who else but you?

I get to watch you light up our son's face when you enter the room. Your absolute and true love for him is apparent at first glance. You were born to be a dad. I can't put into words how beautiful you are when you are with him.

To be more specific about where this is coming from, thank you for everything with this move. Thank you for being reassuring, thank you for putting in your time. Thank you for not sleeping last night and going out and getting me Tylenol when I couldn't function anymore. Thank you for driving me to a bed and then driving yourself back to the house to work. Thank you for telling me you love me even when I got sleep that you didn't. Thank you for lifting things and dealing with the stinky garbage. Thank you for THANKING ME and telling ME how good I am to YOU when all I did was get your stuff together and get you a sandwich to have before you WENT TO WORK with NO sleep.

You amaze me.

I love you super much.