Sunday, May 30, 2010


Silence. Well... silence plus cars driving by and children and dogs somewhere outside. But still... silence. I haven't heard this sound in awhile.

I'm at my mother-in-law's house and she is out with the baby and Logan is out at work. I have been here working on resumes and cover letters and dreading facing the real world and trying to get a real job. However, the silence is nice for the moment. I have been going from grad school to working to taking care of Declan for so long that it's hard to stop and slow down for a minute. It is so nice to not be in school and just be able to enjoy the time I have with my child and family and not be feeling guilty for the papers and reading left on the back-burner.

However, it is not all sunshine and daffodils quite yet. We are on the brink of a change. What that change will be exactly... I'm not sure yet. We are out of our apartment July 1. While I'm excited to get away from the (if-you-don't-have-anything-nice-to-say-don't-say-anything-at-all) landlords, I'm a little nervous because it seems that right now our fate is up in the air. There has been a lot of talk about moving to Texas, but a closer look at our financial situation plus me not having leads on a job (anywhere) yet is causing us to rethink our decision. However, even if we stay in the area we're not sure where to go yet, because job situation stuff may have us leave Newton anyway. So... the deal is that I'm working on getting my professional self together with much help from wonderful family members and taking it one step at a time.

Now, since I have done resume and cover letter work and am waiting to hear opinions from my own personal peanut gallery (no offense intended... thank you so much for your help Zak!) I think I will go and enjoy the silence. I have updates on just how much Declan can get himself into now... but I think that will have to wait.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


I understand this is a total shallow and self absorbed post... but if there is anywhere to be self absorbed I suppose it would be in my own blog.

I have been seriously considering getting my bangs back. Votes?

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Being a Mom

Being a mom is something that completely astonishes me every single day. I work the hardest I have ever worked, get less sleep than I knew possible, deal with more bodily fluids, and generally with a smile on my face. That smile on my face is there because I have found love that I didn't know existed.

I thought I found love when I met Logan. We entered a fast paced, whirlwind romance and I knew I had found my other half. Logan and I have been a "married couple" since the first date. He made my heart grow and I found my comfort zone. Trust me, there are days when he annoys me to no end... but I know that he is absolutely my best fit... he is my love.

And then I had Declan. He could break my heart in .5 seconds with a single lip quiver and then put me back together with a smile. When he wakes up at night, I know that all I have to do is pick him up and all is right in his world. That is the biggest, most powerful feeling I could imagine. I look at him falling back into his dreams, and I can't help but feel like I'm on top of the world. I am savoring these moments of being truly and completely in love because I know I will blink and have a mood-swinging teenager on my hands.

But for now... my loud, fast, into-everything baby brings me more joy than I have ever felt before. And that's all I need.


Whose great idea was it to accumulate so much STUFF?? I have literally packed one box. One. That didn't even clear the shelf I was trying to clear. Also... that was days ago. Then I quit.


Friday, May 21, 2010

Back to Normal

Things have been calming down for the most part here. Nothing too crazy is going on. Life has been back to normal this week... pretty much just work for both Logan and I. Declan has been a little off? Maybe a tummy bug or something but other than a few isolated incidents he has been fine so I'm not really sure.

I'm in the bad part of the moving stages. I know that we will be moving soon, which is making it seem pointless to clean up. Housework has gone down the tubes the past two weeks. I didn't really feel like emerging from under the covers long enough to do laundry or wash dishes. However... these two things have been attacked in great force the last few days. Dishes are mostly done thanks to Logan and the laundry has been greatly reduced thanks to me. It's the rest of the cleaning that I don't want to do. I know that I have to scour everything and toss so much stuff that I really don't want to even start cleaning. I know it will be a huge project. Ugh.

Tomorrow we're going for a playdate with Lauren, Craig, and Sierra. Perhaps some Castle Island with the kiddos. It will be nice to have a day where Logan and I both have it off and I don't have school. That hasn't really happened yet. I get to play! Yay! Also... his mom will be watching the baby sooooo we can actually have GROWNUP TIME. It is desperately needed. We did have a date night last weekend but it didn't start until like 8:30 and by then I was ready to go to bed and slept for part of the 9:30 movie.

Anyway... I guess nothing really to discuss today. Just working on getting back to normal.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Getting there

I actually did some housework by myself this evening. Seeing as Declan decided to stay up and cry until 8:30, I didn't get too much done. But I folded some laundry. It's not even all folded and certainly not put away, but I'm pretty proud of getting anything done. I'm doing much better and work has been fine. It's the end of the day when I'm home alone (well... with Declan. I'm pretty much always with Declan) that I seem to collapse a little. My mind is really getting there but my body is still so physically drained. I just want a clean house.

On a different note... I actually head something back from a job so that is something!

Dear So and So

Dear Employers,
It would be really great if any of you would respond to my job applications. I put in the effort to fill out your paperwork and write personalized cover letters to you, and I haven't gotten a single thing back. From anyone. With my time and effort put in, is it so wrong to expect even a copy and paste rejection email?

What am I doing wrong?

Dear Austin (Texas) and anyone that lives there,
Do you have any jobs available for me? I think our plan (if we can get jobs that is) will be to move there July 1. Yikes that is soon! I would prefer a job that requires more than a high school diploma considering that I just got my Master's... but I'm not too hopeful right now.

Life is moving too fast,
Job Hunter

Dear Knot in my Stomach,
It would be really great if you went away. I know there has been a lot of stress around inviting you in, but I'm kicking you out. I'm taking deep breaths and I know that it will all work out just the way that it is supposed to... but you are not making things easier.

Done with you,
In -Out- In- Out

Monday, May 17, 2010


So it's official. I am DONE with everything Grad school related. I had graduation on Friday and my joint party with Mel on Sunday. It was a really nice party. I was a little stressed and overwhelmed but I'm glad that I went through with everything. It was kind of weird not knowing who knew and knowing that some people knew and didn't know whether to talk about it or not and... overwhelming trying to keep my emotions in check. I am very lucky to have Logan around to leave with me about ten minutes after getting there for a walk down the street. He was there for hugs and hiding my face when I had to breathe for a second and tell me that I was right for everything and ok and acting all right and bring me drinks. He was great. Declan was super sleepy and just cuddling with everyone/napping all day. It was very unlike himself but he seems ok today. A little tired. It was a big weekend... and I'm sure he's been feeding off my emotions all week.

So that is that. I have my MS and now off to the next step. Figuring everything else out. I'm much better when busy and when out of the house so I'm sure that having a million things to figure out is probably a good thing for me. My job is up June 25, our lease is up July 1... and we need to figure out what we're doing and where we're going pretty fast. I'm sure that it will all fall into place the best way possible... but it is a little daunting and stressful right now.

I just need to remember to breathe, be proactive, and rely on the support I have around me and we will get through it all.

On a different note... I think I have decided to use my graduation money for something special and a treat. I could use it for...
*putting towards moving expenses (yuck)
*a trip somewhere (like to Seattle)
*a weekend away for Logan and I
*a new computer
*towards a second car perhaps

I'm not sure yet. Any suggestions?

Saturday, May 15, 2010

One second at a time

Today was a good day. Declan and I spent the day in the city with my friend Jessica. We took an adventure on the T (Declan's first time) and went to the Public Gardens and took a ride on the swan boats. Declan pretty much spent the whole time dying to get into the pond. Unfortunately I had to deny him.

It was good to keep busy.

Yesterday was graduation day. I really with that I could say that I was excited for my big day to celebrate my accomplishment, but it took a lot out of me. It was pretty stressful. I was having a hard morning... it was hard to get myself out of the cave in my head when I was stuck in my cave at home. Logan said something pretty insensitive and I got upset and everything blew up. It is really hard because there is such a big difference in the way that all of this affects boys and girls. He can get over it because it happened and then he can think of other things and move on. It is so different for women.

I don't get to move on so quickly. Both my body and mind are still being affected. I was bleeding for days (I think I'm finally maybe possibly done), had cramps, and a major backache. I have the mental image of my baby coming out of me and then dealing with having to get rid of it. My body was just pregnant and now it's not, so my hormones are super out of whack. It is exhausting and really hard for me to deal with.

And it is really hard for him to deal with me when he doesn't understand what I'm going through. He apologized and I tried to explain what is happening in my head. We worked things out and I ended up walking at graduation and things were fine. So things continue on and we both continue healing each other and ourselves. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time. Whatever it takes.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010


So. In keeping the world updated on how I'm doing/ trying to hash it out within myself by "saying" something out loud... here goes. I really don't know how I'm doing. It really does change minute to minute. Now, don't get the wrong impression. I'm not like breaking down with the kids and sobbing or freaking out or anything. I went back to work today and the kids were treated just as they usually are. We went to the playground and had snacks and made a fort and all that good stuff. I was good at keeping the down part inside. And now I am exhausted.

I feel like I am having to convince myself to go outside and talk to people and live my life like usual. I really could just hide under my covers and have people occasionally bring Declan to me and I would be good. Maybe brownies too. The biggest problem with all of this is graduation. I am done with my Master's and will be graduating on Friday. The problem is that I really don't care about it at all. I don't really want to see people and have a party and talk about it/not talk about it/ talk about anything at all. It sucks because it is such a big accomplishment... a once in a lifetime one that I worked my butt off for since I found out I was pregnant with Declan. And I don't care. I'm trying to. I'm trying to put that smile on my face because I know I would regret it if I just didn't walk or have any celebration or anything. But right now. I'm just. Tired.

I'll probably feel better in five minutes, but this is it for now.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Getting by

The new revelation... I did realize when the big moment happened. Thank goodness for cell phones and loving family to talk me out of my mild hysteria.

I'm doing ok today. Just trying to decide what is healthy vs unhealthy behavior. It's been a pretty big roller coaster. At times I'm fine and other times I want to bury myself so far under the covers that no one can ever find me. I moved the mattress from our bed into the living room last night so I could just watch tv and have somewhere comfy to hide.

Logan got me out of the house this morning and out to the playground and breakfast. I didn't really want to go. I don't really want to see anyone. I don't want to walk for graduation or have dinner or have a party. Hopefully I'm over that in a few days and can feel the excitement of what I have accomplished.

In some ways I feel like I'm overreacting because this has happened to so many other people, but I'm tired of trying to see the good side. I feel horrible because I just want to not be a mom right now. I don't want to be strong, I don't want to play. I just want to sleep.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Happy Mother's Day

So for Mother's Day my wonderful husband got me flowers, made me brownies, gave me a card, got me a pizza... and pretty much cuddled with me the whole day. While this did make me feel special, and he tried to make it the best Mother's Day it could be... I could have had a better day.

Instead of being able to celebrate having given birth and being a mother to the best baby I know, I was a bit distracted from that because on Mother's Day I was losing the child growing in me. I was pregnant, and on Mother's Day (how ironic) I had a miscarriage.

This is something that you are never prepared for. I found out last Monday I was pregnant, went to the Dr on Friday and they confirmed it, but said that my numbers were a little low. I had all the hope in the world until I woke up bleeding on Sunday. I'm sorry if it makes anyone uncomfortable... but I think that it is something that needs to be talked about. I feel like miscarriages are things told in stories or in passing... and are never made to seem real. It doesn't seem like anything that could happen to you. I am 24, in good health, I exercise and am pretty active, I don't smoke and very rarely drink. I have had one healthy normal pregnancy... what would possibly lead me to think that anything different would happen another time?

While I am mostly ok, and realize in my rational part of myself that it happened because it was supposed to and that it it for the best... it still makes me really upset. It makes me feel like a failure. As I sat there bleeding out my baby all I could do was cry because I felt like I was failing my job as a woman. I literally had to watch as I lost my child. There wasn't anything graphic... and there wasn't a big moment that I knew that it was for sure out of me, but the numbers confirmed it this morning. This horrible morning.

I'm not good with needles. I have passed out on more than one occasion. This morning being no exception. I was fine giving blood on Friday, but apparently today my veins weren't cooperating. I felt it, and said I was going to pass out... and then immediately dived into a world of nightmares on top of the real life nightmare I was already living through. I can't remember them, but I can remember the terror that lies within the world of being passed out. When I came to, and finally realized where I was I just started crying again. I was trying to be brave and deal with everything the best that I could... and I couldn't even get past that stage. Oh, and they couldn't even take the blood because I passed out. So after some recovery time they did a urine test and confirmed that I had miscarried.

I feel numb, I feel empty, I feel disappointed, I feel selfish because I know that I got farther than some people and already have a happy healthy child. I just need some time. Declan is with his Grandma for the night, so I can finally take some time to myself and just... process. I am going to try to sleep. I wish I had a bathtub, but I'm not sure I could even function that much right now.

I will be willing to talk about this with anyone... because I feel like it is something that needs to be talked about more so women aren't left in the dark and feeling alone. However... just not today.

But before I leave with this note of misery... I will put in my Gratefulness List.
I am grateful for...

My husband. Logan grounds me and I know he will always be there. I love him with all my heart.
Declan. My happy, healthy, beautiful son.
My body took care of itself. I didn't end up having any surgery.
My family and friends supporting me from near and far.
We are able to support our family and have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
Many other things but I'm ready for sleep...

Thanks for the support and love!

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Think before you speak

My life in insane. However, because of the support I have, I know that anything is possible and instead of being scared I am (mostly) just looking at all the new opportunities presenting themselves to me.

I had my last grad school class ever yesterday! Now I just need to write my last paper by Friday and I'll be all set.

Friday will be a good day. With lots of relief. Sorry the posts have been shorter. I'm just taking a lot more time to think before words come out this past week.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Decisions, Decisions

So... I have less than a week until my work is done for grad school (yay/yikes!) and I REALLY need to get my act together and start this paper of mine. We just had brunch with my mom and Dan, and now both of my boys are having some nap-time. It was an early morning. Way too early. Like up at 4 early.

I figured that before I started my paper, it would be better to try to clear a little bit of my mind. I'm not really ready to clear it all the way. Not out loud. Yet. Soon. But not yet.

The last week has been a bit of a ride. There have been some ups and downs, with more downs than ups. In trying to triple check everything I say (especially what I write) before it comes out... I'm not really prepared to talk about all of the downs yet. I will say that my time to make decisions about the future was set at warp speed super suddenly.

One big decision, well two really I guess, has been been made. Since I don't know who actually reads this or not... I don't want to put my foot in my mouth and write something and have it get to someone before the moment is right, so I'll keep it quiet for now.

All I'll say is that I have so much support, and I am so grateful for it. I love my family and friends (the ones that have shown their true colors over the last two years and are real friends) with all my heart. I wouldn't be able to survive without you. I know in my head, and deep in my heart that everything happens for a reason, and that it will all work out for the best... but some of my head and the top part of my heart are having a little bit of disagreement about that right now. My head is still a bit of a mess, but it will be fine with a little bit of time.

Thanks to all of my supporters. <3
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