So. In keeping the world updated on how I'm doing/ trying to hash it out within myself by "saying" something out loud... here goes. I really don't know how I'm doing. It really does change minute to minute. Now, don't get the wrong impression. I'm not like breaking down with the kids and sobbing or freaking out or anything. I went back to work today and the kids were treated just as they usually are. We went to the playground and had snacks and made a fort and all that good stuff. I was good at keeping the down part inside. And now I am exhausted.
I feel like I am having to convince myself to go outside and talk to people and live my life like usual. I really could just hide under my covers and have people occasionally bring Declan to me and I would be good. Maybe brownies too. The biggest problem with all of this is graduation. I am done with my Master's and will be graduating on Friday. The problem is that I really don't care about it at all. I don't really want to see people and have a party and talk about it/not talk about it/ talk about anything at all. It sucks because it is such a big accomplishment... a once in a lifetime one that I worked my butt off for since I found out I was pregnant with Declan. And I don't care. I'm trying to. I'm trying to put that smile on my face because I know I would regret it if I just didn't walk or have any celebration or anything. But right now. I'm just. Tired.
I'll probably feel better in five minutes, but this is it for now.