Home Sweet Home

So Dear Readers,

We have a new home. I can't believe it's been ten days since I last posted. To play that broken record one last time... that's what having no internet does. Things here have changed quite a bit in the last few days. I have a new position at my school and we have a new home. I am now the Accelerated Pre-K teacher and have my own class. It's a big transition for all of us but I'm excited about the prospects.

And we have  a new home! We pretty much moved across the street, so Logan can still walk to work. We have TWO bedrooms again so Logan and I don't have to sleep in the living room anymore, and we can finally settle. It was really scary for me to have a whole year lease ahead of me... I wasn't sure if I was ready for that kind of commitment, but I think it will be good. I'm excited to actually be able to decorate and make it OURS. I feel like Declan is starting to get to the age where he will start caring about his home and his room, and I'm so glad I get to give that to him. (Though a house would be great also...)

Speaking of that little devil, to update those who miss him greatly... He is going to be a Roman gladiator for Halloween. He was a pretty big hit at school and I had lots of people ask me where I got it and look pretty boggled when I said I made it. Hopefully he will get distracted enough to wear his golden laurel wreath out on Halloween or else you mayyyy get him confused with an angel or a girl or something. He is talking more now. He repeats a lot of words and is constantly describing things around him. I don't like that he has picked up saying "Mine" from school, but what can you do. He walks well and mostly runs everywhere he goes. He is a pretty picky eater which we are trying to change. He loves his stuffed musical sheep, Daisy. Sometimes he prefers to sleep in his pack and play because it makes him feel safe. He has three molars and the fourth is coming in along with the two bottom teeth to make a foursome down there. He is so funny and sunny and loving. He gives hugs and kisses and waves goodbye to everyone. Pretty much he is awesome.

I suppose I should go start unpacking otherwise Declan will unpack it all for me tomorrow by throwing it around the apartment or putting things in random drawers. I'm so happy to have the internet back!

Blessings

Happy. It is a beautiful 84 degrees out, I have been filing and not having to reprimand small ones all day and my son walked away from me when we entered the classroom this morning. He is getting to be a big, independent boy and as my last post proved, sometimes it gets me a little misty-eyed. Not today. Today I will revel in the joy in my heart and my lovely boy that I spied fingerpainting at a table with his friends earlier. I will think of the luck I have to possess a husband who let me have some "me time" while he watched Declan and made us all dinner the other night. And gets me ice cream. I have a family that I know would do anything from me, in this time zone and the time zone next to me. I am starting to gain friends and have friends to go to a Halloween party with and go trick-or-treating together. I have a full time job with discounted child-care. I don't have to take work home with me so I get to spend all my time with my loves. My husband has a job that he loves, and I am pretty fond of too. I have friends that make time to chat with me even though we have babies joining the conversation on both sides. I have a roof over my head.

Some days (as we all do) I get down and get so worried about staying down that it keeps me down. I think a switch was flipped and today I just feel good. I am happy and so happy with my little family. I hope everyone out there counts their blessings often. It is awesome to know that I may not have a lot in the eyes of a lot of people, but I sure have a lot of love and that is what really matters.

Alone

I barely know how to put into words how I'm feeling right now. I guess I'm just feeling like a jumble. I'm trying my best to get used to this new life and this new place (though the actual place of living will change quite soon). I'm trying to rock out this adventure that we're having and appreciate all that I have and have been given. However, I still miss home like crazy. Pretty much anything that I read or watch causes my heart to have some pang of missing someone. I feel like crying at least a dozen times a day.

Something that is really bittersweet is watching Declan at school. I have the privilege/ curse of getting to spy him several times a day through windows while he plays and carries on with his friends. It breaks my heart every day bringing him to school, knowing that someone else is going to make him smile and get to hear his laugh. They get to watch new firsts, while I get left behind. I am so happy that he is getting social interaction, learning new things and getting to experience art and music that we wouldn't if we were home alone... but it is hard for me to know that I am no longer the center of his existence. 

Today was the first day that he didn't cry as we dropped him off. I am so proud that he is getting to be a big boy and learning to be independent, but even though it is obviously NOT what I would want for him, it's hard knowing that he's not pining away for me and my hugs. Throughout the day I count down the minutes that I get to pick him up and see his smile light up at my arrival. I can't explain how much I love when he jumps in my arms and I know that my world is ok because he is ok. Being a mom makes me feel more than I even knew possible, and I'm a pretty emotional person. 

I love that kid.

Day 3- Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

I have been terrible with this 30 days thing. I thought it would be a good chance for some introspection, but then the lack of internet and addition of family made it harder to sit by myself and think. Even now I am only on my lunch break, so this can't get as much attention as I would like.

Something I need to forgive myself for is my drunken behavior. This pertains mostly to the past, but I had a pretty big slip recently. I have apologized to those around me and seem to be forgiven by them, but I need to forgive myself. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of ALL the mistakes I have made due to alcohol. It ran most of my relationships with men, affected my relationships with friends and family, and I sometimes wonder how it is possible that worse things didn't happen to me.

I know that even though it may not have happened in the way I had planned, but having Declan probably saved me. It made me do a complete turnaround with my life. I stopped drinking (for 99% of the time) and started actually being responsible.

I have done well for myself, and I think that I am now a good example for my child. I am not proud of a lot of the things that I have done, but I need to forgive myself, learn, and move on.

Hello Strangers

I've been away for awhile spending time with my family. There are vacations that are marked by laying on the beach and going on rides, but this was a vacation marked by snuggling and watching movies and taking naps and drinking lots of coffee. There wasn't really a whole lot of "special" things that happened, but just having my family back was pretty special.

I'm having a bit of a hard time being here. It's really hard for me to be away from my family. I know that nothing is forever, and this is just one of our many adventures together, but it is definitely a hard start. It is hard that we moved to a new place, had to work with temporary living for the last four months, and I had to get a job where I don't get to spend every minute with my son. It is a huge adjustment and I'm working on it. I have had trouble with depression on and off since the third grade. I have been in a good place for awhile, even through pregnancy and grad school and everything, but being so far away from home while having a tough time is making me feel a little bit like I'm standing on the edge of the depression again. It is really scary for me because I know how it will feel once I fall. I know that I shouldn't worry about anything until it happens, but even just the thinking about falling has me feeling more like I'm falling.

Tomorrow!

We had a great weekend getting to hang out with lots of family. Logan's mom was in town so we had many family dinners and Declan learned to say "Hello" (or more precisely... Hewwo). However, the germs that the little man were introduced to at school last week have officially taken their toll. He was starting a cold this weekend, and just when I thought it was getting better... he woke up yesterday morning with his eyes glued shut from yucky stuff coming out. His eye isn't red so I'm thinking it's not pinkeye. I think it's just the cold coming out every place it can. My poor guy. Everyone send good thoughts our way because my health insurance won't kick in for awhile!

However, I'm sure he will be in a good mood because tomorrow my brother comes to town! I'm super psyched to show him around Austin and I know that he will fall in love. I can't wait. Then... on Friday my mom will be here too! We always spend Columbus Day weekend together, usually in VT, but we're bringing the Foleys to Austin to take over. Hopefully we can find some stand-ins for our usual array of events. 

So I've been thinking about what I miss the most of what we didn't bring with us to move cross country. (Just in case anyone ever is wondering what the important things are)

*Our mattress

*Vacuum

*Microwave

*TV

There really isn't a whole lot else that I miss, and the only thing we have replaced on that list is our mattress because we needed somewhere to sleep. 

Sorry that this is kind of all over the place. Without being able to update more often, I kind of forget what I had wanted to say. Ahh... off to enjoy my few moments of alone time during the rest of my break. 

Missing everyone back home!!!

Day 2- Something you love about yourself

Wow. Sorry to leave this blog on such a negative note. Although we don’t have internet I figured that I would have more time to get posts up. With the job and getting Declan used to his new place and schedule, I have been pretty busy. I’ll give a life update in another post, but let’s get this back to a more positive place first.

Something I love about myself. I have been so focused on others recently (cough cough Declan cough) that I haven’t had a whole lot of introspective time. I suppose that something I love about myself is my ability to work hard. I know a lot of people that don’t understand the concept of work. I feel as though a lot of this generation expects life to be handed to them on a silver platter while they sit around and watch tv. I was instilled with a strong work ethic from a young age. I was expected to do chores in order to get my allowance. As I got older and stopped getting an allowance I was expected to do yard work to earn money.

For me, painting a fence wasn’t just slopping some paint around and going on my merry way. I had to scrape, cover every inch in primer, two coats of paint, and keep the area around me and my materials clean. I was picked up from the SATs and then had to seed and hay an entire field that afternoon. I was a good worker. I enjoy hard work. Sure I resented having to do work sometimes when people I knew could just ask their parents for money and have it handed over, but this is what got me where I am today.

I found out I was pregnant as I was planning on being in grad school. I entered grad school in my first trimester. I worked full time, took three classes and threw up every day. Being able to work hard allowed for me to have an 18 month old and my M.S. Sometimes it’s hard for me to slow down, and when I have down time I don’t quite know what to do. But I love knowing that I will always be able to provide for myself and my family because I know how to.