Alone

I barely know how to put into words how I'm feeling right now. I guess I'm just feeling like a jumble. I'm trying my best to get used to this new life and this new place (though the actual place of living will change quite soon). I'm trying to rock out this adventure that we're having and appreciate all that I have and have been given. However, I still miss home like crazy. Pretty much anything that I read or watch causes my heart to have some pang of missing someone. I feel like crying at least a dozen times a day.

Something that is really bittersweet is watching Declan at school. I have the privilege/ curse of getting to spy him several times a day through windows while he plays and carries on with his friends. It breaks my heart every day bringing him to school, knowing that someone else is going to make him smile and get to hear his laugh. They get to watch new firsts, while I get left behind. I am so happy that he is getting social interaction, learning new things and getting to experience art and music that we wouldn't if we were home alone... but it is hard for me to know that I am no longer the center of his existence. 

Today was the first day that he didn't cry as we dropped him off. I am so proud that he is getting to be a big boy and learning to be independent, but even though it is obviously NOT what I would want for him, it's hard knowing that he's not pining away for me and my hugs. Throughout the day I count down the minutes that I get to pick him up and see his smile light up at my arrival. I can't explain how much I love when he jumps in my arms and I know that my world is ok because he is ok. Being a mom makes me feel more than I even knew possible, and I'm a pretty emotional person. 

I love that kid.