So for Mother's Day my wonderful husband got me flowers, made me brownies, gave me a card, got me a pizza... and pretty much cuddled with me the whole day. While this did make me feel special, and he tried to make it the best Mother's Day it could be... I could have had a better day.
Instead of being able to celebrate having given birth and being a mother to the best baby I know, I was a bit distracted from that because on Mother's Day I was losing the child growing in me. I was pregnant, and on Mother's Day (how ironic) I had a miscarriage.
This is something that you are never prepared for. I found out last Monday I was pregnant, went to the Dr on Friday and they confirmed it, but said that my numbers were a little low. I had all the hope in the world until I woke up bleeding on Sunday. I'm sorry if it makes anyone uncomfortable... but I think that it is something that needs to be talked about. I feel like miscarriages are things told in stories or in passing... and are never made to seem real. It doesn't seem like anything that could happen to you. I am 24, in good health, I exercise and am pretty active, I don't smoke and very rarely drink. I have had one healthy normal pregnancy... what would possibly lead me to think that anything different would happen another time?
While I am mostly ok, and realize in my rational part of myself that it happened because it was supposed to and that it it for the best... it still makes me really upset. It makes me feel like a failure. As I sat there bleeding out my baby all I could do was cry because I felt like I was failing my job as a woman. I literally had to watch as I lost my child. There wasn't anything graphic... and there wasn't a big moment that I knew that it was for sure out of me, but the numbers confirmed it this morning. This horrible morning.
I'm not good with needles. I have passed out on more than one occasion. This morning being no exception. I was fine giving blood on Friday, but apparently today my veins weren't cooperating. I felt it, and said I was going to pass out... and then immediately dived into a world of nightmares on top of the real life nightmare I was already living through. I can't remember them, but I can remember the terror that lies within the world of being passed out. When I came to, and finally realized where I was I just started crying again. I was trying to be brave and deal with everything the best that I could... and I couldn't even get past that stage. Oh, and they couldn't even take the blood because I passed out. So after some recovery time they did a urine test and confirmed that I had miscarried.
I feel numb, I feel empty, I feel disappointed, I feel selfish because I know that I got farther than some people and already have a happy healthy child. I just need some time. Declan is with his Grandma for the night, so I can finally take some time to myself and just... process. I am going to try to sleep. I wish I had a bathtub, but I'm not sure I could even function that much right now.
I will be willing to talk about this with anyone... because I feel like it is something that needs to be talked about more so women aren't left in the dark and feeling alone. However... just not today.
But before I leave with this note of misery... I will put in my Gratefulness List.
I am grateful for...
My husband. Logan grounds me and I know he will always be there. I love him with all my heart.
Declan. My happy, healthy, beautiful son.
My body took care of itself. I didn't end up having any surgery.
My family and friends supporting me from near and far.
We are able to support our family and have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
Many other things but I'm ready for sleep...
Thanks for the support and love!