So I think that (hopefully) I have had a breakthrough with this sadness that I have been battling. I know that I have been feeling stressed, and that has not been helping anything. We are less than four days away from vacation (yay!) which means less than four days to get my work done (yikes!). Yesterday I made a to do list, which really helped put things in perspective about how it is doable.
-Read article on Shoah (done because my teacher cancelled it already)
-Watch Shoah (4 1/2 hours to watch part one of this movie)
-Write rough draft of final paper (But it doesn't have to be final yet... that's the part that I was freaking out about)
-Get on plane
See? That's not that bad. I can totally do it. Right? Right. Now if Declan will only sleep at night then I can have a chance to get it done.
The second part of my breakthrough is that I have been totally humbled in the last few days and have realized just how selfish I have been. I have realized more and more that after Logan and I have had a fight, and then have cooled down and talked we can have much more rational conversations... and our communication is improving. I have been trying to be more conscious about his complaints/constructive criticism and I have realized that he was right. I have definitely let my feelings turn me into a much more negative person and I need to watch out for just using him as a venting post. Next step... finding the line between shoulder to cry on and having him not want to talk to me because of the negativity that will ensue. Never really having a long term relationship before (just long term messes), I have had a lot of learning to do in working with someone rather than working next to someone. It has made it a lot harder with our relationship being pretty much started with pregnancy and new parenthood along with getting to know one another. Every day has joy, a lot have challenges, but knowing that he will be next to me in the morning no matter what happens means more than anything.
The third thing in realizing that I have really only been thinking about myself has been the introduction of others needing me (even if it's just through my thoughts). My thoughts have been going out to those around me who need good energy thrown their way, and it has changed the way I have been feeling about myself. I tend to think of myself as unselfish, because I am constantly running around doing things for other people and not thinking of myself. However, I need to take a step back and think about if I am really doing things for others, or if I am doing things for others to make myself feel like a good person. I think I need to actually start taking some time for myself to be able to do things for others and not resent that I am not doing anything for myself so that I can happily do things for them and not want to throw it in their face and want things in return.
So there you have it I suppose. In taking a look at the load of work I have, I will get school done, and then really take a look at the amount I put on my plate. I will try to keep it so that I can continue to be the positive person I used to be, and put smiles on my husband's face rather than complaints in his ear. I will take time for myself (once school is over) to fortify the time I spend doing things for others.
I will breathe.