Sunday, February 7, 2010

I want to collapse

I really do just want to collapse and hide under the covers for a really long time. I have too much on my plate, and while I try really hard to manage it all and balance it all... I'm at the point of breaking again. The part that makes this really to bad is that it is so early in the semester. Tomorrow is only my third class. Yes, I know this is my last class and then I'll be done. It's pretty hard to see to that point, however. I am starting to really not care whether or not I finish.

Who knows if I will even do anything with this anyway? I've been out of college for almost three years, and have done nothing with my degree anyway. I have worked with two years olds, and while that is still in the teaching profession, it is not the same at all as elementary education. I don't know if I even want my own classroom, which is what I have been working towards this whole time. I'm pretty confused... which I know a lot of people are, but I've invested a lot of time and money in this one goal without a lot of wiggle room. I feel stuck.

I also feel like a small child at the moment. I don't feel good (whine whine whine) and I hate blogs that are just "ohhh, I feel blah, and that's about it". Boring. I, at the moment, don't feel blah. I feel angry. I just want to be able to take time and be sick and nap and have people take care of me. Instead, I have to pull myself together and do homework and take care of Declan and continuously baby-proof the apartment that is freezing because heating it is so expensive. I feel guilty for any second I take to rest my eyes, and I feel constantly torn between being a good mom and trying to be a good student. I feel resentful towards Logan for having time off by himself (which is really different than having to leave the house to have time off), and for having his free time be his own. He doesn't have school, and generally when Declan is around... so am I. I know he works hard (and I also know he reads this), and I appreciate him tons. I know he loves me and Declan and our happiness is put before his own. It's just... not fair that I have all this to do. He was so complimentary yesterday, and told me how much he is impressed by all that I do. It was very sweet. The only thing is... I don't want to do it! I want to take a break. I want to be somewhere warm. The cold is bringing me down.

Ugh. The boys are off playing somewhere and I'm at Starbucks attempting to get some homework done, because when I try to get it done at home I fall asleep. And since Logan has worked every single night of the past week and I have taken care of Declan until after his bedtime, I haven't gotten nearly as much done as I would have liked. I hate having to do homework on all of Logan's time off. I never get to see him or do fun things.

Ok. Enough venting. Back to my hundreds of jobs. Student time so that I can get back to wife/mom time.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...