Monday, May 9, 2011

Not My Mother's Day Post

So guys, I guess I'll apologize in advance. This particular post is not my Mother's Day post. That will come to follow, especially since I'm lucky enough to have spent Mother's Day with my Mom in town. However, on this particular day my thoughts about celebrations are slightly skewed.

One year ago today I had a miscarriage. On that day, it was Mother's Day. I have quite gotten over the shock and the majority of the grief, but I'm not sure if I will ever completely get over the fact that I lost a child that was growing in me. It's not something I think about every day, but last night and today I felt the sadness of not knowing that life that was entangled with mine. I know that I am pregnant again, and everything is going smoothly this time... but that doesn't rule out my lost little soul.

How I wish that things were different. How I wish I could be holding that tiny body right now. It's really hard to hear that it all happened for some reason or another. It was whoever's plan for things to turn out this way. That doesn't make it hurt less. I have put on my big girl boots and moved on, but the anniversary (plus the pregnancy hormones) is making today a little rough. And I think I deserve for that not to be downplayed for just being the way that it needs to be. It may or may not have been in my life plan but that doesn't make it suck any less.

Things will carry on. As usual. And I will move on, and my thoughts will drift away once again. And maybe next year I will feel the same, or maybe I will feel completely different. But for this year...

Thinking of you, my tiny soul. Thinking of how you were once part of me. Thinking of what-ifs and what-could-bes.

Here's to you.

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