Birth Story: Kieran Edward Hardage

I’ve been waiting for this day for so long. In some ways I’ve been waiting nine months, in some ways I’ve been waiting over a year, and in some ways I’ve been waiting my whole life.

I have always known that I wanted kids. The fact that they came this early in life was a little bit of a surprise, but we went with the flow of it when Dex came around. I have also always known that I wanted more than one kid. I have a younger brother and while there was a lot of fighting growing up, he is now one of the most important people in my life and there is no way that I would want to deny that to my own child. I’m sure there are many great reasons to want to have an only child, but I knew that wasn’t what I wanted. Also… Logan being one of seven helped us be on the same page about growing our family.

After Declan was born, I wanted another baby pretty soon after. Like, fighting the urge once he turned six months old. After many discussions, Logan and I decided that we would try again once he was a year old. Lo and behold, once he turned one in April, we found ourselves pregnant in May 2010. However, this pregnancy resulted in one of the biggest losses I have ever had to deal with. I lost the baby. It took some time to work through those emotions, and I came to the conclusion that while it is something I will probably never get over entirely, we knew we were ready to try again.

Once we got pregnant again, we were so happy. There was a changed air about this pregnancy for me, however, because I was now no longer in the naïve world that nothing could go wrong in pregnancy. I cherished this time around, knowing how much I would miss it once there was no longer a baby growing in me. (It also helped that I wasn’t vomiting every day for months on end. That helped me perk up a bit). While I was cherishing it, I was also longing to see my new baby safely in my arms. I tried my absolute best to keep positive thoughts in my head and heart, but I had a bit of anxiety about something going wrong. I wanted to see him.

This helped my decision to have an induction in the end. I was induced with Declan due to low amniotic fluid. This time it was my choice to get induced, and I had a few reasons. We chose a day that I knew my doctor would be available. This was important to me because I had seen her at every appointment and I knew that she was on the same page as us with all of our decisions thus far. I knew that my mom was coming into town, so I would have help with Declan and the new baby. Also, I was ready. I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions and real contractions every time I stood up, sat down, turned, etc… for six weeks or so. Since I had hit my due date, all of these decisions fueled my choice to be induced.

 So, on Wednesday night, Logan and I dropped Declan off at Logan’s aunt’s house. (More on Dex becoming a big brother in another post) and on Thursday, August 18, 2011 we arrived at the hospital at 6:30 am. I got checked right in and settled into my room. I had an IV in and Pitocin started by about 7:15am. My doctor came in shortly after that and when she checked me, I was at 3cm. (I had been at 2cm for the last two weeks). She left and the contractions really got going. My plan was to go for as long as possible without an epidural but knowing that I wasn’t ruling one out since that was what happened last time. The doctor had predicted me giving labor around 2 to 3 pm, though things could either be shorter or go longer. I was also told that it would take about 40 minutes to get the epidural once it was ordered. Keeping these things in mind, I went about trying to breath through the pain.

It started out as a definite pressure. With definite pain. I was breathing through the contractions and doing my best to completely relax in the time between them. It quickly got to be an incredible amount of pain. At 9am I was counting the minutes and wondering if I could make it 5 more minutes at a time. I was already starting to seriously consider getting the epidural and feeling like a complete failure as a woman once these thoughts entered my head. I had Logan sit next to me and hold my hand as I writhed in pain as each contraction waved through my entire body. Since it was such a long process last time, I was really feeling badly about myself that I couldn’t handle it as easily this time around. However, the pain was getting continuously stronger. So strong in fact, that I ended up throwing up. Once that happened, the next time the nurse came in, I told her I was ready for the epidural. She got it taken care of and suggested (and I agreed to) a pain med through my IV while I waited for the epidural. It helped a tiny bit. Enough for me to relax just a little through the pain for about ten minutes. Then even that slight relief was gone. At this point I was pretty much crying as the contractions came. I have never felt a pain like that in my life. And it was 10am. This had been going on for about three hours. How was I in so much pain so fast?

The epidural came and Logan was asked to step out. I freaked out, but he had to go. Luckily I had an awesome nurse that helped soothe me so much while I got the epidural. I was to the point that getting it didn’t even matter because I was in so much pain with every contraction. It was all I could do to stay still while he was getting it in. I felt badly for Logan in the hall. He knows how I don’t do well with needles, and I was making a lot of noise. I just wanted to be able to tell him that it was because of the contractions, and not the epidural. I wanted him to know that I was alright. The epidural went pretty quickly, and I was at the point that I couldn’t even imagine getting through the two or three more contractions it would take for it to kick in. I was in more pain than I have ever been in my life. Logan came back in and it was 11am. I had no idea where the last hour went. Between the incredible pain and the epidural, somehow that time had flown.

Now the epidural was in and working. However, I really wasn’t in as much relief as I would have thought. It wasn’t so much the pain now though. It was an insane amount of pressure. I know that giving birth means pressure, but this was a lot. A lot more than I thought I would have felt after only four hours. I tried to tell the nurse about the pressure but I didn’t want to seem like I was overreacting. The pressure was pretty overwhelming. So, right after the epidural was in, she checked me for the first time since my arrival. I was at 8cm. I now didn’t feel as bad about myself for wanting an epidural. She walked away and checked something. She came back and checked me again less than five minutes later and I was at 10cm. I was feeling so ready. She made a phone call and a few nurses rushed into the room to start setting up tables. She made another call and the doctor was on her way. Last time I pushed for 27 minutes so I started preparing myself for the push time. It took them about ten minutes to get set up, and I was fighting the urge to push the whole time. They got the stirrups out, my legs up, and I pushed through one contraction. I felt a burning sensation between my legs that felt like stretching, but I didn’t think too much of it as I was in the pushing stage. When that contraction was over I took a quick second break to breathe. When I felt the next contraction gearing up, I get myself ready for another push. And then I heard the doctor say… “and here comes the shoulder…”

WAIT… WHAT???

The shoulder? That means that the head is already out. It had only been one push! How was that possible? I almost wasn’t able to push again due to complete and utter shock. I somehow pulled it together to push one more time and out he came. After TWO contractions. That’s about four minutes of pushing with a break in the middle. I so wasn’t prepared for it to be over that I just looked at Logan with total disbelief on my face.

Here he was. He was ready.

As they laid him on my chest I could barely contain myself. Logan just kept repeating “He’s so beautiful, he’s SO beautiful.” And he was. 7 lbs 4 oz. 19.25 inches. He was perfect.

We’re now at just over three days old and it has been a complete joy so far. He sleeps well, nurses great, and is an absolute doll. I’ll write more about our adventures so far, but for now I’m just going to go and enjoy the sweetness of my sleeping newborn.

Love to all and thanks for everyone’s support through all this. Thanks for sharing. 

Confessions of a Terrible (at being clean) Mom

I need to get better at uploading pictures onto my computer. I have some cute pics of the little one, but they're all the way in the other room... and that is just too much for me right now haha.

There are two battles going on inside of me right now. One is the urge to sit down/rest/nap any and every time I have a second to. Or creating games where I get to sit down and watch Dex play. I'm much more of a spectator than I would like to be at this point. Sigh. I miss having energy to play with my little boy. The other side of me has I guess been the nesting side. Since my energy level has been so low, and Logan has been putting in super amounts of time working... the cleanliness of our home has gone wayyy downward. It's embarrassing really. However... I CAN'T STAND IT. I so want it to be clean and nice and LIVE-ABLE... but once I get a second to clean... that other side takes over and my body rushes itself into my bed.

How do moms with multiple children do it? Are they all just way more disciplined than me? I only work about 20 hours a week now. Considering the fact that Logan puts in at least 30 more hours a week at work than I do right now... I should be the one that is able to handle this. I'm practically a stay-at-home mom.

I just want to bring this new baby into a clean and nice environment. And, oh yeah, have my toddler live in that as well. I'm just having a really hard time pulling it to together. I guess that is my confession for the day. We live in a mess. And I hate it... but hopefully these nesting instincts will help me pull together some last minute energy to get ourselves set before the time comes to head to the hospital.

Wish me luck!

You start being a mom...

The second you see those little lines show up on that stick. From that moment on you watch what you eat, make sure to take vitamins, exercise, don't drink or be within 20 feet of people smoking, or have caffeine or sushi or... the list goes on and on. From day one you are watching out for that little life every second of the day.

I have a lot of respect for a lot of dads I know. (My husband being right on the top of that list). But while they try very hard and work really hard... they don't know what it is like to make that split second change in every part of your thinking. They can walk away and drink a soda without thinking of how it will affect their belly. They can sleep on their back without thinking of how their blood is circulating. My husband is right there with me. He would jump the highest building if that was what was necessary, I'm sure. He is willing to make me food and give up his pillows, and change that extra potty accident that Dex had. However, he is also the first to admit that he has no idea what it is like to have a human being inside of his body.

Today I had a little scare. The baby wasn't moving nearly as much as he usually does. This freaked me out. It is such a huge responsibility to be the only one to know how that baby is doing at all times. No one else can see it. No one else feels the patterns of sleep and movement and intensity of that movement. It is your job, as the mom, to make the call as to whether your baby is ok or not. Tonight I got a little worried. It ended up with a phone call to the doctor and a trip to the hospital to get monitored for awhile.

Everything ended up 100% perfect. It is all great.

But, man. Being a mom is a huge responsibility. From the first second. I love my firstborn with all my heart. I am doing everything I can to nurture him and the life growing inside me. It is a full time, every second of every day job.

Here's to all the moms and moms-to-be out there. Like I said, mucho respect for sooo many dads. But, for this moment in time... Super kudos to those that had that extra nine months of being the (almost) sole beings in charge of that little life.

FINAL COUNTDOWN- 34 Weeks

So guys. Less than six weeks left until we meet Little Mister. We still haven't really started preparing a whole lot for his arrival. I think it's mostly going to be laundry anyway. We don't need a whole lot out, seeing as Dex will just take it upon himself to play with everything we take out anyway. I tried to get a couple of things sorted and he just pulled everything out of the box and got mad when I tried to put it back. Oh well... learning to share will come one day at a time. 

Things have changed in the last two weeks for sure. I am definitely feeling much more pregnant now. A slightly sore back and the impossible task of getting comfortable reminds me that the time is getting closer. I went to the doctor on Wednesday and everything is still checking out perfectly. The heartbeat is great and my belly is measuring just as it should. Which is slightly hard to believe considering the fact that I've only gained 16.5 pounds so far. Crazy. Total 180 from last time. 

I've also been feeling a lot more tired, so trying to catch any rest that I can. AKA. Any time that Dex is down... I'm down. Yes, I love having the schedule of a toddler. This also means that the housework has been falling slightly by the wayward... but I'm sure we'll get it under control soon. Oh well. Declan is just going to have to learn to pick up his slack. Haha. 

Anyway... more later, but for now Dex is down for the count which means it must be mommy nap time too. 

TWO KIDS?!?

Hey guys! I'm going to have another kid. No, really. I will be the mother of TWO children. All the time. It's really just starting to hit me. And it's a little intimidating. I know that every day we will grow together as a family and it will all be great... but the anticipation is a little much.

I'm starting to feel like we actually need to start preparing for the second one. So far we haven't done a whole lot. We've pulled out baby clothes. They're sitting on a shelf needed to get washed at some point. Everything needs to get washed. I also need to start getting the room ready for another one. But I'm not quite sure what to do. It seems like we put a whole lot more effort into it the first go-around and a lot of it was unnecessary.

What brought these thoughts on was getting a real big boy bed for Dex. I keep going back and forth in my head about what I want. Whether I want a toddler bed or a twin sized bed or something that can be turned into a bunk bed or trundle bed or... I don't know. Right now the new baby has the bassinet to sleep in. (And our bed of course. That's where Dex ended up pretty much 98% of his first few months) But I want to be able to get Dex really used to his new bed before the baby takes over his crib/bed. I, however, don't really want to hand over the cash for a new bed/mattress/ the whole works right now. So I guess I just need to keep the thoughts in the back of my mind and see what presents itself. The same goes for a double stroller. I just can't make a decision. So, hopefully something perfect comes along at the right time. It seems to have been that way so far.

OK. So there is some of my crazy preggo thoughts out there to the world. Maybe they'll stop running around my head so much now that they are out. If any parents want to give advice, I'm more than willing to listen!

FINAL COUNTDOWN- 32 Weeks

Hey guys... I only have eight weeks left? How did that happen so fast? Now, I know that two months is still awhile, but really... eight weeks? I can't believe that in about two months I will be the mother of two. Declan will transform from being the only into a big brother. I think I've always been able to picture myself as the mother of more than one child. Heck, I've taken care of enough kids to know at least a little of what it's about... but I really can't picture Dex as having a younger brother. I know that we will all grow together every single day, but for right now... I really can't picture it.

I haven't really commented too much on the actual pregnancy lately. That's because it is all going pretty swell. Every now and then I get a little emotional. (And Logan, if you read this... remember that it really IS only a little compared to last time haha). Every now and then I get tired, or don't feel a little well... but that really is only now and then. For the most part I feel absolutely fine. One or two tiny spider veins and a bit of heartburn, but other than that I really don't have much to complain about.

I had an ultrasound at my 30 week appointment (two weeks ago) and everything looked great. The baby was measuring in at 3.5 lbs which is the 53rd percentile... so, right on the mark. I had actually lost three pounds between my previous appointment and then, but gained most of that back in the last two weeks. As of right now, I have gained just shy of 16 pounds.

People have actually given me some words about this. Not so much now that my belly is actually bigger, but before I would get comments about how I didn't look pregnant at all or was really tiny. Now, a word to the wise... Don't ever comment on how big a pregnant woman looks. Ever. Not if she's big, and not if she's small. If she's big, she probably thinks she's 100 times bigger than she actually is and really doesn't want to hear that she looks like she's having twins. (Ha ha? No, I think not) And if you tell her she looks small, you probably think that you are giving her a compliment. Actually you are giving her a reason to stress about whether or not everything is good and healthy and growing right. It's a really backhanded compliment so... it's probably better to just not say anything at all.

I am perfectly healthy. All my tests are great. The baby is also super healthy and moves around all the time. Like right now for instance. So... my weight gain is right where it should be. Even though it's definitely less than it was with Declan.

But enough about that. Love to all, here and back home!

25 Weeks

Sorry, no picture yet. I promise I'll get one up soon because...

I got a new camera!!!

I have been saving for over a year, and haven't spent my graduation, christmas, or birthday money yet. I've been waiting for this day and I finally decided to go for it. I can't wait to open the box (after I know Dex is fully asleep and I won't get interrupted) and start playing with it.

I'm still feeling well. My belly still isn't huge at all, and I hear all the time about how not pregnant I look. But everything measured absolutely fine at the last appointment. At 22 1/2 weeks I had gained 10 pounds so far and my belly was measuring 22 1/2 cm. Which is perfect. And there was a perfect heartbeat. So... I'm absolutely fine!!

I'm starting to feel the pregnancy a little bit. I feel a little stretching from time to time. NOTHING like last time. My ankles are also starting to feel the weight a little. It's getting harder to be on my feet for eight hours. Also my back sometimes aches just a little. Other than that things are going just peachy keen. (Oh yeah, and I am definitely counting down to real coffee haha)

We have been starting to get into Spring cleaning mode a little. We rearranged our room and I'm so excited to have things shaken up a little bit. Yes I know... it's sad when that is shaking things up. But hey... a start is a start, right?

Happy Birthday!

I so often write about my child, myself and occasionally my husband. But that leaves a huge part of my life missing. I don't so much write about my friends. I wrote a short post about a visit from one of my dearest friends, but didn't really get into our friendship so much as post a few photos of her playing with my child. I would like to perhaps change that a little. I think I'll start today as a Happy Birthday post to one of my BFFs, Lauren.

We met through a mutual friend at college and it took awhile for our friendship to blossom. We went from being two attendants at the same party to having a commute to the same student teaching school. That meant we were now spending mornings sitting next to each other on the train and working on the crossword together. This blossomed into hanging out more afterward and eventually just hanging out all the time. Bars, concerts, roadtrips... we did a lot. Once we even rescued a dog. We lived in different parts of town (Dorcester and Brookline) but we made efforts to see each other at least once a week. We had a pretty standing lunch date, and at one particular lunch date we made that fateful trip to the drug store to buy the test that said "PREGNANT."

I'm really not sure that there is a bigger bond that can come from friends that share such a scary moment together. She helped me through those first few scary hours until I could tell my now husband our new life that would be starting. She was there for me through my pregnancy and a few months later we got to share the joys and terror that is unplanned pregnancy together. I loved watching our babies get to grow up together for their first year. I wish that we had lived closer during that time, and now I really wish that we lived closer.  I miss coffee dates and playground times and getting to watch our children together. Hopefully this distance won't last forever. (Move to Texas please?) But this is a tribute to our ever growing friendship!

Starting our friendship

My 21st Birthday 

The cold ocean during Spring Break- Myrtle Beach

So pregnant she had the baby the day after my wedding.

The first time our babies met.

It's a... Boy!

Oh guys. We had our ultrasound today. And everything was perfect. We measured great and got to see our little BOY swimming around and putting his hands over his head. We got to see his legs moving around and his heart beating and his little face. I am in awe of the human body.

And I can't believe that we're having another boy. This pregnancy is SO different than the last one that I swore it HAD to be a girl because how could it possibly be the same sex and be so different? I guess I was wrong on that one. I think it all became more real today. Sometimes I really can't believe that Logan and I are parents at all. We have this child that has grown from only being able to stare into our eyes to a boy who can run across the restaurant before we can even leap out of our chairs. Now, we will be entrusted with not one but TWO lives. Two boys.

I think the strangest part for me is that they are going to be two different people. I am totally okay with being Declan's mommy. I know how to do that. I suppose that I thought if it was a girl it would really seem like two different children, but I am really having to think hard about that I won't have two Declans. I'll have two different little boys. Brothers. Declan will be a big brother. With a little brother.

I have a DVD of the ultrasound and it just amazes me to watch the little arms move around. I sometimes sort of feel the baby, but other than that I really don't feel pregnant most of the time. I'm not really sick, I don't really have any aches and pains, and I have legit only gained three pounds. (And that may only have been because I ate two tacos on the way to the Dr appointment) I guess I am just lucky this time around, but it makes me nervous sometimes. I'm so happy that the baby is measuring perfectly and we have gotten good reports on everything all around.

17 Weeks

Oh hey there baby belly. When did you decide to pop? I guess maybe in the last couple days. Leading up to my... vacation!

That's right, folks. I will be stepping away for a few days of relaxing me (and well, dad too, I guess) time. Time for us to hit the road in FL and see where life takes us for a few days. I'll miss my boys something fierce but I have to force myself to cool out and enjoy my time to myself and relax. Not an easy feat. 

I am currently trying to find comfortable travelling clothes and really realizing that I'm in that in-between pants phase. Not quite my old pants for extended periods of time, but not really maternity yet. Leggings. I need to get more leggings. 

I must get to finishing packing! See ya later Austin!  (But those in Austin... please check in on my boys and make sure they're not in a pizza coma. Much thanks)

15 Weeks

Your Baby in Week 15 of Pregnancy 
One way to deal with the havoc of pregnancy hormones: Focus on how much is happening with your baby. She's about the size of an orange this week, her ears have migrated to the sides of her head, and her eyes are moving to the front of her face. Plus, your little smarty-pants can now wiggle her fingers and toes and make breathing movements in preparation for life outside the womb. (What to Expect dot com)



So I am officially in my second trimester. I feel like since I have been updating this less frequently I tend to forget what I have said so please forgive me if I end up repeating myself. We can just blame it on the baby brain... always. Haha. I have been feeling pretty good for the most part. A little bit of sickness but nothing like last time. I have been tired, but at least I'm not working full time AND taking three grad classes. I just have a full time toddler. Which may be more exhausting in the end but is way more fun. I can sometimes feel the baby move just a tiny bit. Usually when I'm calm and laying down I can feel little butterfly movements in my uterus and it is so nice to have the affirmation there that I can feel.

I am so much happier in my pregnancy this time. I love Declan more than anything... but it was pretty rough for me last time. I was pretty sick and my body had a lot to deal with. This time my body feels much more comfortable with what it is doing and is still stretched out a bit, making it easier. The whole being less sick thing is really the key. It makes me so much less miserable and I can move on with life. PS We find out about the sex on March 21st! Less than a month!

I am so excited. In less than two weeks I am going on VACATION. WITHOUT baby. When Dex was born my dad promised me a vacation when he turned two. Now the second birthday is approaching and my plane tickets are booked. I will have a nice long weekend of soaking in the sun (with plenty of sunscreen of course) and getting in my last bits of sleeping in that I will have for a very very long time. I am so tired right now that I can't even imagine the bliss of being able to travel on a plane by myself. I am pretty much the luckiest. While I may not have a lot of money... I am rich for sure.

Showing just the tiniest bit. (Though this picture makes it look like I'm showing more than I actually am)

Yes, yes. The top half of my torso got way bigger first. Again. I didn't know it was possible they would get even bigger the second time. 

Catch Up

Jeez! Sorry guys. I haven't even posted at all since the ultrasound. Despite being super nervous it all went really well. Not a whole lot to report about it besides everything measuring out perfectly and the guy who drew my blood was awesome and I didn't pass out or anything. While that sounds silly... trust me... it's a big accomplishment.

I haven't been posting much because I've been enjoying the nice weather/ being in a funk. I think I'm going through withdrawal from being home last month. I've realized how much of a rut I've fallen into and that I really don't have any friends here at all. I tried to make friends when I arrived here and hung out with some people a bit, but it's pretty hard to make friends with kids I am finding. Schedules end up conflicting and if you weren't close to start with... things just fall apart. We've been focusing on our little family a lot, which is really great. However, I miss my friends more than anything. I miss having people that you already know and can call up and end up having six people over for a spur-of-the-moment barbeque. I miss having friends with kids that understand having a messy house and don't care if you see their messy house. I miss just going out to get coffee and just grabbing the pack and play and throwing it together if life runs too long and the little one needs a nap. I miss having babysitters. I miss getting to spend time with my kid. That would be different if I was doing something worth it or career building, but I'm not. I miss just being able to call up someone any day of the week and have someone to hang out with. I hung out with people all the time at home. I had lots of friends and it really freaks me out that I really don't hang out with anyone here.

I guess I need a hobby or something where I could meet people. I've just never been good at forced friendships. It takes me awhile. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate living here. I LOVE that the high here is 78 and Dex and I got to walk to Logan's coffee shop and eat delicious bagels and I got an awesome decaf coffee. I love that I'm not dealing with the snow and coats and digging my car out of the mess. I just really don't like being so far away from my friends and family. I'm missing all of you guys hardcore right now and it's throwing me into a bit of a funk. I'll get over it I'm sure... but I'm ready to do something different to make a change.


On a side note... I'm such a bad mom today. I woke up with great motivation, Dex and I played for a bit and then I figured we would go get a treat (since we don't have a whole lot of other options foodwise at the moment) and then hit the grocery store. On the way back from breakfast I felt like I was shoved underwater and couldn't move anymore. We went inside, I turned on baby Netflix, and Dex watched while I snoozed for like an hour and a half. I wasted the whole morning. The beautiful day, and by the time I actually could get up... it was his naptime. Ugh. So mad at myself right now. I guess that's part of being pregnant, but I'm really frustrated when I can't function the way I want to. I hate that it gets taken out on him. Not that he cared. He watched tv and dumped clothes out of the hamper. Now he's so asleep in his big boy bed (which he has been in almost all weekend... I'm proud).

Oh well... I guess I can try to get the apt cleaned while he sleeps and then make up for it when he wakes up.

Rainy Weekend

What a rainy weekend we are having here. It is really nice, actually. It is nice to sit inside and listen to the rain falling on the roof and through the trees in our bedroom and be able to hear the cars swishing through the wetness in the dining room. It's the kind of rain that isn't disgusting or nasty... it is nice and light and makes you know that the earth is getting the replenishing that it needs. A good slow soaking rain. It makes me want to cuddle up and watch too many movies with the little one and go to the coffee shop and sip hot chocolate and eat muffins and bagels. It made us stay inside and get some cleaning done but it was still nice to venture out to spend some time with Logan's family last night. While I do love snow (at the beginning of the Winter anyway), it is really nice to get to experience something totally different. Today it is 50 and rainy. I think tomorrow or Tuesday it is supposed to be 67. Who knows what the future will bring, but I'm glad to escape at least one snowy Winter.

I'm excited about the ultrasound tomorrow. I'm ready to be able to see things and put any doubts to rest. I have been talking to the baby and sending good vibes and love, so hopefully everything will go in a great direction. I've still been a little nervous to get too attached. I'm hoping that after tomorrow I am able to fully enjoy this pregnancy and bask in the life that I am (with Logan's help obviously) creating. I'm feeling good for the most part. I want to be able to enjoy the last few months with my little man as a one and only. I want to fully be able to think about the changes that our family will have to make in the next few months in order to work financially with jobs and daycare and such. I want to feel peace. For now I'm almost there... hopefully after tomorrow I will be all the way there.

Pregnancy and Dex and such

Things are good here on the home-front. Not a whole lot new to report. I've been feeling much better the past few days. I was talking to Logan about it and how even if it comes back... since I've had a little bit of a reprieve it's already not as bad as last time. We have a dr appointment on Monday with an ultrasound so we can get everything checked out.

I think I'm feeling a lot better about the whole pregnancy thing. It was pretty scary for awhile considering that I only knew I was pregnant for about a week last time and it crushed my world for awhile when it ended. We've known now for maybe five weeks now? Really? That long already? Wow... time really does fly a lot faster when you have a child keeping you busy. Every day that goes by makes me more confident that things are all right. It was rough last week when our appointment was cancelled and some fears came back, but I'm looking forward to Monday. The "morning" sickness was actually kind of good because it made my body feel like it was really pregnant for the first time. I've just had a lot of scary pregnancy things happen to people that I know so it will be nice to see a heartbeat and everything.

Dex caught a little tummy bug so he stayed home from school today. He was pretty much fine, but he got to have some nice Daddy time. It's always good for the boys to have time together. Tonight he played by himself for probably the longest amount of time so far. He entertained himself climbing in and out of the cabinets and got use out of most of the toys in his toy drawers (which I now have to go and pick up because I was bad and didn't make him do it himself). I was really proud of him. He is talking SO much. There are new words and associations every day. I can't even believe it.

I guess that today's post didn't have a whole lot to say, but I hate how out of discipline I've gotten with blogging.

Missing everyone back home... but not missing the snow!

I know I probably do this way too often...

But... how can I not (almost) constantly sing the praises of the love I receive daily? I seriously don't know what I did to please someone in charge of things, but I can't believe how lucky I am to have Logan. He keeps me supplied with bbq chips and french onion dip, and ice cream, and lets me fall asleep at 730. Then he puts Dex to bed and when I wake up at midnight in pain, he goes to the store to get me anything and everything he can think of to make me feel better. I hope that I show him as much love as I feel. Because I am shown so much love.

I've been getting a bit sick recently. Usually not the hours of incapacitating nausea that I got last time (though there have been a few of those days) but I have definitely made friends with the toilet. I'm trying to keep my head up and remember that it doesn't last forever. I have also been feeling a lot more tired. I have a lot of respect for moms with many children. I feel like I for sure can't last as long in the day as Dex. Then, when I need to sit for a bit and can't play I feel so guilty. There has to be some way to get some energy back. Any ideas? I haven't been feeling lightheaded though, so that is a good thing.

I had an appointment to go see the Dr this week. To make a long story short, it didn't happen. To try not to get into an angry place... we'll just say that my benefits didn't kick in exactly when they should have. I have now seen my temporary health insurance card... so back to square one next week. Hopefully we'll be able to work something out soon to check this little baby out.

Declan is so cute. I ask him what is in my belly and he says "baby". He then proceeds to kiss my belly and say "hot!" because I'm assuming it is a little warm from being covered up all day. He talks so much and does so many things. I can't believe how much he grows every day. He walks around the house with a mission. He goes in and out of rooms, opening and closing the doors and saying "Hello" and "Bye Bye" when entering and exiting. The other day he was eating a piece of cheese that was on a napkin (we were having a picnic at the park) and he caught the napkin as well as the cheese. Logan was amazed that he was old enough to understand the difference and work to manipulate his fingers to separate them before eating anything. I watch him and am in awe of how fast he is growing up. I hold him in my lap and appreciate every second because somewhere in the back of my mind I am ten years down the road and pining for him to love me with as much passion as he does now.

I am a lucky mommy and I am a lucky wife.

On the pregnancy

So far things have been going pretty smoothly. For the first few weeks I really didn't feel any different at all. (Except for the inevitable leaping of bra sizes.) On New Year's Eve I discovered my first bought of "morning" (read; ALL AFTERNOON/EVENING/NIGHT) sickness. It was interesting to throw up three separate times on a national drinking holiday while consuming absolutely no alcohol at all, obviously. I've been a little sick on and off. It's hard to not get too down about it. I was so sick last time, that I just get pretty scared that it's going to be the same.

Hopefully not. Hopefully it will pass much sooner. I have also been experiencing some dizziness/faintness every so often. I didn't have that at all last time. I don't know if I can help it by eating? Drinking more water? Any ladies out there have this problem and know a solution? There is the obvious fatigue. I'm so ready to pass out right now, and I'm not going to lie... just had the biggest momfail. I pretty much just put on a movie before Dex's bedtime so he would be distracted and I could halfheartedly try to snooze a little. I know. Bad.

I have my first Dr appointment on Thursday where we will do the initial confirmation and ultrasound and such. I can't wait to see the little one. I'm hoping that going will assuage any doubts that are in the back of my mind, and seeing it will make the whole thing more real.

In other news... current cravings: California rolls (with everything cooked, I promise!), French Onion dip, salads, soup (though it's never as satisfying as I want it to be), and queso (though that's all the time)

Current aversions: Housework (haha), anything too heavy, the smell of cigarettes like whoa, bananas, and we'll see if anything else comes up.

And Three Becomes Four

So I guess I've been debating on whether or not to post this so soon. However, since the cat is pretty much out of the bag with family and friends (and that probably means most people that read this haha) I guess I'll say it here too...

I'm pregnant! Pretty early on. About six weeks, due mid-August. Now, I know that there are a lot of reasons not to go spouting this all over the world yet. However, since I know a lot about these reasons from both friends' experiences and my own, I realized that if something does go wrong... I would rather have the support that I ended up having last time. I was trying to wait until Christmas to start telling people, but I got too excited. I wanted to wait until Mother's Day to tell my mom last time... but that didn't turn out so well. So I decided to not wait. I would just let it out.

The honest truth is that I'm pretty scared. The first time I got pregnant, it was a surprise, everything was fine and normal and I had a healthy (albeit a little pukey) pregnancy. Then it happened again and after knowing for less than a week, that life that I had already grown so attached to was snatched away from me in front of my eyes. While I have known for about a week and a half now, I HATE to admit it, but I kind of feel like I'm waiting for it to be taken away from me again. I know that is not the way to think at all, and it's not at all every second of the day... but it's there for sure. Every time I go to the bathroom I hold my breath while looking to see if there is any blood (which obviously there hasn't been). I have felt some symptoms, but nothing severe. While I obviously don't WANT severe symptoms, without them and feeling normal- I feel as though this may not be happening. That was one of the biggest reasons I told people. I wanted to make sure it was real.

It has been really scary telling people. I have gotten good feedback for the most part, and while I know other people's opinions shouldn't matter... it was scary to think they might have nervous thoughts based on last time. I'm not sure when or if I'll get over the fear of losing the baby. I know of people that have lost their baby so far into their pregnancy. My health insurance kicks in at the start of the year, so I'll be able to go to the doctor after that... though there isn't too much they can do if anything were to happen anyway. Last time the only help I got from them was a lot of bills.

I promise that while this sounds pretty down, I really am positive about the whole thing. Logan is so excited. He loves putting his hand on my belly even though there isn't any change, and Dex is learning to kiss the baby. Even though I'm sure he has absolutely no idea what he is doing. I'm taking care of myself, we're all eating healthy, and I'm excited to have a two week vacation starting tomorrow! Today was technically my last day of work, but I need to go in and work on paperwork tomorrow since there is never any time with the kiddos around. We get to go to Declan's Holiday party, and I was JUST appointed the class mom, so I need to try to get my act together with that! So there is lots to do and then time to jump on a plane and see everyone back home.

**Sorry if this is the way you are finding out about number two and you didn't hear in person! We tried to make sure people knew!!

*** Love to all!