Day 3- Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

I have been terrible with this 30 days thing. I thought it would be a good chance for some introspection, but then the lack of internet and addition of family made it harder to sit by myself and think. Even now I am only on my lunch break, so this can't get as much attention as I would like.

Something I need to forgive myself for is my drunken behavior. This pertains mostly to the past, but I had a pretty big slip recently. I have apologized to those around me and seem to be forgiven by them, but I need to forgive myself. It makes me sick to my stomach to think of ALL the mistakes I have made due to alcohol. It ran most of my relationships with men, affected my relationships with friends and family, and I sometimes wonder how it is possible that worse things didn't happen to me.

I know that even though it may not have happened in the way I had planned, but having Declan probably saved me. It made me do a complete turnaround with my life. I stopped drinking (for 99% of the time) and started actually being responsible.

I have done well for myself, and I think that I am now a good example for my child. I am not proud of a lot of the things that I have done, but I need to forgive myself, learn, and move on.

Day 2- Something you love about yourself

Wow. Sorry to leave this blog on such a negative note. Although we don’t have internet I figured that I would have more time to get posts up. With the job and getting Declan used to his new place and schedule, I have been pretty busy. I’ll give a life update in another post, but let’s get this back to a more positive place first.

Something I love about myself. I have been so focused on others recently (cough cough Declan cough) that I haven’t had a whole lot of introspective time. I suppose that something I love about myself is my ability to work hard. I know a lot of people that don’t understand the concept of work. I feel as though a lot of this generation expects life to be handed to them on a silver platter while they sit around and watch tv. I was instilled with a strong work ethic from a young age. I was expected to do chores in order to get my allowance. As I got older and stopped getting an allowance I was expected to do yard work to earn money.

For me, painting a fence wasn’t just slopping some paint around and going on my merry way. I had to scrape, cover every inch in primer, two coats of paint, and keep the area around me and my materials clean. I was picked up from the SATs and then had to seed and hay an entire field that afternoon. I was a good worker. I enjoy hard work. Sure I resented having to do work sometimes when people I knew could just ask their parents for money and have it handed over, but this is what got me where I am today.

I found out I was pregnant as I was planning on being in grad school. I entered grad school in my first trimester. I worked full time, took three classes and threw up every day. Being able to work hard allowed for me to have an 18 month old and my M.S. Sometimes it’s hard for me to slow down, and when I have down time I don’t quite know what to do. But I love knowing that I will always be able to provide for myself and my family because I know how to.

Day 1 - Something You Hate About Yourself

Hmm. Something I hate about myself. Well... I am SO grateful that I am in a place where the answer is really not much. There are certainly things that I work on about myself, but not so many that get the passion of the word hate. I suppose that if I have to choose something, then I hate how selfish I am.

I really don't like saying this out loud because that makes me responsible for it. It makes me put it out there that I am aware of how selfish I am and if I know about it then I should probably change it and not just let it go on as I sit there oblivious. I work hard, I try my best to do good for those around me, and a lot of times I feel as though that makes me deserve more than others. While I know sometimes it gets put upon other people... Logan for sure gets the most directed his way. Our relationship was started while I was working full time, taking three grad classes and just newly pregnant. This meant that a lot of his time and effort went to making things easier for me and I think I grew pretty dependent on him getting up to turn the light off and walking down the street in the snow to get me donuts.

A lot of times I just sit there and think of how tired I am, and how hard I've been working and how I deserve a break from watching Declan. The problem is that now Logan works just as hard, is up when I'm up and is watching Declan too. I hate saying this, but it is really hard for me to put his needs first. I wish it came easier!! I want to make him happy, and I want to make his life easier, and I want that to be second nature to me. I guess for now I just need to be aware of myself and my selfish nature.

I will work on it and try to put others first. Logan- I'm sorry that I'm selfish. I love you very much. (And I know you love me even through my selfishness... <3 )

30 Days of All About Me

I've never done this before, but I saw this blog prompt and thought it might be a way for me to shake it up and talk about something different than job hunting and being in love with my child. While those things are fine to talk about... I figured it might be nice for those of you that read this to understand that I'm more than just the situation I'm in. 

Join me if you would like, on this journey of discovery. I found this fun blog prompt (or series of prompts, is more accurate) on Marine Wife Unplugged's blog. These are the prompts for the different days:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

Thirty days of truth and getting to know me. Even in just looking at this list I have put mental blocks in front of some of the answers. It's hard to be completely honest, especially in a public situation. So we'll see what happens. You will get to know me better and maybe I'll get to know myself better in the end.