Thankful 2012 #1

Today I am Thankful for Kieran. After having a miscarriage- the pregnancy carried a weight that wasn't there with Dex. I am so grateful to have been blessed with him being such a ball of sunshine. His constant smile reminds me constantly of how lucky I am that I got him.

11 Months

This boy is eleven months. Every second he inches closer to being a one year old. I had a discussion with Logan today about how being a parent truly teaches you what bittersweet means. Every day I get so excited to see where he is at, but I also know what he has left behind. No more tiny baby.

He is now becoming more and more of a toddler. He pulls up on everything (and consequently pulls everything down off of any shelf he can reach- aka my house is constantly a disaster). He has started to try and let go a tiny bit. He loves to walk while holding my hands. He still loves to eat and is practicing drinking out of sippy cups. He laughs. At so much. He is definitely full of joy and sunshine.

The big day will be here before I know it. Dex has decided the theme of the party. Outer space. Well... D specifically said dinosaur outer space... but I think that might be tweaked a little bit. Now I just need to get the details going...

Happy less-than-a-month-until-you-are-one my love.

These Two/ 10 Months/ Photoshoot

Seriously. The love between these two boys makes my heart melt. I didn't ask them to hold hands. They are just naturally drawn to be close to each other. 

I love when I hear from the back of the car from Dex: "Kiery, Kiery- do you see all the cars driving fast?" He takes his role as big brother seriously and is constantly teaching Kieran about the world around them. 

Kieran is now 10 months as of yesterday. He is pulling himself up on everything and cruising along holding onto things. He still eats pretty much everything, however, if he prefers one part of a meal to another he is not afraid to show it by throwing the undesired on the ground. He loves to sit at the little table with Deckie and feed himself. At 10 months he is fitting comfortably in 12 month clothes and may be another size up when he turns one. He loves to dance and make noise when we are singing. He is my rough and tumble boy. Where Deckie was afraid of finger paint and making me wipe up spills, Kieran is putting bugs and trash in his mouth and crawling until his head hits the glass door. His forehead generally has some sort of bruise due to bumping it. He loves to come and jump in my lap for a cuddle and is learning how to give kisses, which is my favorite. 

My boys are learning to play with each other. Crawling on top of each other and rolling away. Hiding and sharing. I can't wait to see how their relationship continues to flourish. 

Hanging Out/ Kieran is 9 Months

I haven't been here much because I've been working more. This has caused less time with my boys, so I've been focused a whole lot more on spending quality time with them when I'm with them. This has meant less internetting, less picture taking, and more soaking up their wonderfulness. 

Kieran turned 9 months. He is now crawling with a vengeance. He moves at lightning speed. He pulls up to standing and yesterday was cruising along the length of our bed. He babbles like crazy, repeating some sounds- especially when we say "Deckie." He rarely eats "baby food" now and pretty much just joins us in eating whatever we are eating. So far, there isn't really anything that he hasn't liked. 

The boys are such great brothers. Yes, there are moments when Dex forgets exactly how to be gentle, but for the most part they are wonderful to each other. Deckie shares crackers with Kieran in the backseat of the car, Kieran crawls around after him, and they both like to spend their time near each other. 

Kieran is becoming so much more of a person every day. He and Declan are really different. Kieran chases after balls and crawls until he hits his head and puts everything in his mouth. Dex loves to wash his hands, has the biggest imagination, and loves to build. I love watching them grow more into themselves. 

7 Months

We now have a seven month old mobile baby on our hands. I think that Dex didn't start crawling until he was about eight months, and K has been going since a couple of days before he turned seven months. He is still just pulling along on his belly, but is going faster every day and has been practicing his pushups the last couple of days. I can't believe this time is already here. This round of moving up in the world, and this round of baby proofing. Obviously we are very child friendly around here, but there are things Deckie has gotten past that we are now having to redo. Like- hiding all electric wires and making sure the ground is absolutely clear. Just today I walked out of the room, and when I came back a minute later, Kieran had somehow found a receipt that had fallen on the floor and was happy eating it.

Kieran is still our sunshine baby. Pretty much all you have to do is look at him and his smile lights up the room.

He also loves food. He isn't picky at all. He loves fruit, and loves food he can chew on. He is a true Texas baby and loves black beans and avocado. He loves rice and any veggies. There hasn't really been anything he doesn't like. He also really loves to drink water.

I love you, my seven month old boy. Can't believe you are closer to one than you are to a newborn.

6 Months

I can't believe it's been six months already. Half a year. 

You sit up on your own and grab everything you possibly can. You love to eat. Boy, do you love to eat. You smile and laugh, and you are the happiest possible when in touching distance of your brother. 

At your 6 month check up you were 17lb 4oz and took your shots like a champ. 

You fit into our lives like there was already a spot carved out for you. There honestly haven't been any road bumps or hard things to get used to. You have made our lives better since day one and I can't wait to see what lays ahead. 

Five Months

I have seriously sat down to write this so many times. I guess it's time to stop making excuses seeing as we are now closer to six months than five. (sobsobsob)

Kieran, you are one of the happiest babies I have ever seen. Your face either looks serious or so happy, but all it takes is a glance from someone to make that grin appear.

We started introducing a little bit of food, and you LOVE it. We have made everything at home so far, and are trying to give you as much organic stuff as possible. You have had sweet potato, bananas, applesauce (homemade- so much better than the store bought stuff, and Dex loves when I make it too. You both eat it warm), a tiny bit of avocado (not your fave) and a tiinnyy bit of oatmeal (homemade, pureed- also not your fave. You liked it much better once I added some applesauce to it).

You are becoming a master at rolling. I now put you down and know that you won't be in the same position when I look back. You can roll from your back to your tummy and then to your back again. You have learned to roll around so you can grab whatever you want that is in your sight. This is sadly starting to think about how your days coming to work with me are numbered as you start to become a little destroyer. Soon Daddy will get to take you to the playground so the three of you can have boys' days.

You have also truly found your voice. You love to see how loud you can yell once Dex has fallen asleep. I think you want to see if you can wake him up. ALSO- the other day you started saying "mamamababababamamama" which I LOVE. Dex said "Dada" for so long before he said "Mama" that you being so close is awesome!

I don't know how much you weigh, but other than a little food you are still exclusively breastfed. My days with nursing were almost over at this point with Dex, so it is amazing to me that we are still going strong. And your cheeks and thighs show that you are definitely getting enough nutrition.

Declan is your best friend. Without a doubt. You two love each other so much. If you make an unhappy noise, he is there to give you a kiss and make you feel better. If you are lonely, he runs over and you get the biggest grin on your face. I hope this closeness continues, because you two make my heart melt every single day.

Four Months

Oh my little man. I can't believe it's already been four months. Every day I count my blessings that I get to spend my time with you. I could spend each monthly post going on and on about my love for you (and your brother) but it's late, and you are both asleep so I'll make this quick so I can join you in dreamland. 

The plan is for to go to the Dr tomorrow for your checkup. (Though one person said your appointment was today after I had already been confirmed for tomorrow. I figured I would have made it for my day off and not your dad's, but... I don't know. Maybe your appointment won't be tomorrow. We'll see). However, when we last checked you on a scale you were 15 pounds. You are definitely our little chunky monkey. I can't get over your thighs, and your cheeks start conversations everywhere we go. 

You love to smile. Pretty much anything and anyone can make you smile. You love to charm people as we wait in line at the grocery store or coffee shop. You also love to talk, but you save a lot of that for Mama so that we can have a back and forth conversation. When you want your opinion known, you definitely have your own voice. 

You have rolled over from your tummy to your back, but not consistently at all. You are, however starting to be more consistent with getting yourself over on your side. It freaks me out when I look away and you are in a different position when I look back. You love standing. I only do the balancing for you. The rest is all your leg power. 

You are still completely nursed. They say 4-6 months to introduce food. You seem to be doing well with just milk, so I think we'll probably wait another month and see where we're at then. (We bought a can of formula as a just in case when Mama went out- but didn't end up using any yet). 

You are in love with your brother. He lights up your world. It is the sweetest thing to see the two of you together, and I am slightly terrified of the inevitable ganging up against mom that there will be- but your brother love is for another post. With other pictures of your admiration. 

I am so excited to have our first Christmas with a family of four. Since Dex is now bigger, you will get more of the excitement from the start. Santa has some surprises in store!

So anyway... four months. Wow. We have survived. Every day brings new triumphs and challenges, but the triumphs overpower by far. I'm working on cherishing every moment of you being tiny, because I know it won't last long. However, I'm also so excited to see what else is in store for us!

Three Months

Oh my sweet boy. You are now three months old. (Well... you turned three months 9 days ago, but who's counting?) You are continuously a light in our lives. You smile and laugh constantly. You are honestly one of the happiest babies I have ever seen. And man can you talk. Once you get going, you make sure we know you have something big to say. I think that may have something to do with who you are surrounded by...

You want to be so big already. It makes me a little nervous for the future, but for right now I am loving how much you love to watch your big brother. It is your favorite thing to do- be pulled into a standing position. You do all the hard work of actually standing. The only thing we do is provide a bit of balance. You would so much rather be sitting up than laying down. You want to see everything. You love to be worn in a sling when we're out and facing forward so you can observe everyone and everything we pass.

You have a slight love affair with your hands. Sometimes I hear you smacking on them so loudly from the other room it sounds like you are right next to me. 

You are still 100% fed by mommy milk which Dex is well aware of. He has now pretended to make one of his stuffed animals nurse from another. And wants a vacuum for Christmas. 

You have had two sleepovers with Grandma and Aunt Jilly. You did better than me, who came over and checked in both times. 

Oh my Kieran. My Kier Bear. Just be content staying small. I am savoring every moment, because I now know just how quickly they fly by. So there are less pictures... but it's not because I love you any less. It's because I am appreciating my time with you more. 

I can't wait to see how you grow, but it definitely is already too quick. 

Breastfeeding

So, I've never really talked much (on here anyway) about breastfeeding. I guess I feel as though it is time now, because my feelings are different now with baby number two.

With Declan, breastfeeding was pretty much the hardest work I had ever done. My body wasn't completely built for it, and he had a hard-ish time latching. When I was in the hospital, a nurse had to assist me every single time, and I ended up giving him some formula right from the get-go because there was NO WAY I could nurse him while any visiting person was in the room. I had to have complete focus to attempt to do it.

This didn't deter me from doing it. It took a solid six weeks at least to get the hang of it. They say it usually takes about three. Not for us. It hurt. So badly. I would have to hold my breath and count to take my mind off the pain of him latching and starting to eat. I had to watch where he was, so using a cape wasn't really an option. Basically I would have to get naked from the waist up and cry during the whole thing. OH, and he was never really satiated. He ate. All. The. Time. There were days when I couldn't remember my last time outside because I was stuck on the couch feeding him. He would eat every hour and for 45 minutes each time. Now, folks that don't know... that means about 15 minutes in the mean time. I didn't eat unless Logan was there to feed me.

I made it through six months with both nursing and some formula. I knew that I was doing the best thing for him and that there were benefits for me. I felt the bond between us. But it was work. And I really did feel like I had "gotten through" it rather than enjoyed our special time together.

This time it is so different. I don't know if it is because my body changed from Dex, or if Kieran is just a different baby. From the first time he latched on, he was a pro. He eats efficiently and gets right to it. He fills himself up quickly and while it's more often than the "every three hours" I hear happens with other babies, (Not mine, that's for sure) it works. It is so much more convenient than lugging formula around everywhere, and so much more cost effective. With him I am able to use a cover and feed him any time anywhere. I am slowly getting over my consciousness of the public around me and realize that I'm doing what is best for my baby.

While I think it changes the relationship that Logan has with him, I'm really happy that this is all working out better this time around.

And I figure that since we're not spending money on formula because I'm able to provide nourishment for our baby... a little bit of that money we're saving can be spent on yummy treats for mommy!... Right? Or is that just me?

One Month

Oh, to my sweet one month old boy. One month ago we were a family of three. One month ago we were about to become a family of four. One month ago we made a huge transition.

And now it seems as though you have been here forever. We were meant to be together like this. You have opened up so many doors in our hearts, and you found a way to fit perfectly into our lives. All those cliches about our hearts growing bigger to encompass our love for you, and how time flies... they're all true. I sit here looking into your growing-more-blue-by-the-day eyes and know that you are supposed to be here with us.

Declan is growing into his role as a big brother. He has spent much of the last month acknowledging you being here, but being more interested in buckling your car seat together than hanging out with you. However, in the last few days he has taken it upon himself to make sure you have your "binky" and giving you more kisses than I can count. Sometimes those kisses end up in your eyes, but everything he does toward you is with love. He accepted you into our family better than I could have imagined.

And you. You are a great baby. You hardly ever cry, and you have a super laid back presence that calms us all. You wake up during the night, but do a pretty good job at sleeping. When you wake up, you just eat and go back to sleep. When we put you down, you can hang out by yourself for a bit, but you definitely prefer being in Mommy's lap or arms. You have had less than a handful of bottles and are doing fabulous at eating. I can't believe how much you have already grown. You are constantly active and alert.

You complete our family.

Out with the boys

Things have been going well here. My mom came to visit, followed by Logan's mom, and then Logan's sister. Kieran is almost three weeks old, and we have had so much help! It has been amazing. We are now back to being on our own and settling down into our routine. 

But hey! You guys! Today I took the two boys out BY MYSELF. We went to the playground and then to Summermoon to visit Daddy. I was pretty proud of myself for being able to get us together and out the door without any help. And Kieran needed to be fed at both the playground and at Summermoon and I was able to watch Dex and nurse Kieran at both places. (Ok... maybe I got a little help from Daddy at Summermoon so I didn't have to take both boys into the bathroom) BUT, I think that this is looking good toward the future. Watch out... we are on the move. Now... we just need to make some Mommy friends here in Austin and we'll be all set. 

And fyi...

Kieran at birth: 7 lb 4 oz- 19.25 inches

Kieran at 5 days: 7 lb 7 oz- 19.5 inches

Kieran at 12 days: 7 lb 14.5 oz- 20 inches

We have a growing boy on our hands

Here are some pics from the last three weeks. I've done a pretty terrible job at taking photos but now that we're settling down I'll try to get better at it. 

Love to all and thanks to everyone that sent a card or a package! We're feeling the love!

Two

I had a lot of worries about adding another addition to our family. For over two years, Declan has been our one-and-only, our one true love... and I was a little nervous about how it would affect everyone to add another to our family. I have always known that I wanted more than one child, and that I wanted them fairly close in age. However, the reality of the situation didn't hit me fully until I was very pregnant. Dex would be losing his status as number one. 

I was worried about being able to love my second child as much as my first. Now... that was silly. All those cliches of how when you have another child- your heart doubles in size to fit all the love in... those cliches are completely true. I have so much love for both (wow... I can now say both) of my children. 

Things have been going well so far. Dex really loves Kieran, and is a loving big brother. Dex makes sure Kieran has his blanket and the zebra lovie that our friends Lauren and Craig gave him at all times. He loves to give Kieran kisses, and is learning quickly how to do it gently. He sings songs about him, and is always happy to remember that he is there. 

However, it is apparent that Dex is dealing with a few attention issues. He has definitely been more whiny and has been forgetting his listening ears more frequently. He still has a lot of time where he will act like his normal, loving, independent self, but there is also a new side of him that shows he is still figuring all of this out. We're working on really accentuating the positive things he does, and trying to give as much positive attention as we can. I know it will all work itself out. It's a lot for a two year old to deal with. 

But overall things are going really well. I currently have two children that are asleep in their perspective beds, meaning a few minutes of quiet time before I pass out with them. Kieran is doing great. He was above his birth weight at five days old, so that should tell you that he is eating like a champ. He sleeps very well, and can hang out by himself whether he is asleep or awake. When he is awake he pretty much just chills and takes everything in. 

I'm so happy and proud to call myself the mom of both of these wonderful boys. 

Birth Story: Kieran Edward Hardage

I’ve been waiting for this day for so long. In some ways I’ve been waiting nine months, in some ways I’ve been waiting over a year, and in some ways I’ve been waiting my whole life.

I have always known that I wanted kids. The fact that they came this early in life was a little bit of a surprise, but we went with the flow of it when Dex came around. I have also always known that I wanted more than one kid. I have a younger brother and while there was a lot of fighting growing up, he is now one of the most important people in my life and there is no way that I would want to deny that to my own child. I’m sure there are many great reasons to want to have an only child, but I knew that wasn’t what I wanted. Also… Logan being one of seven helped us be on the same page about growing our family.

After Declan was born, I wanted another baby pretty soon after. Like, fighting the urge once he turned six months old. After many discussions, Logan and I decided that we would try again once he was a year old. Lo and behold, once he turned one in April, we found ourselves pregnant in May 2010. However, this pregnancy resulted in one of the biggest losses I have ever had to deal with. I lost the baby. It took some time to work through those emotions, and I came to the conclusion that while it is something I will probably never get over entirely, we knew we were ready to try again.

Once we got pregnant again, we were so happy. There was a changed air about this pregnancy for me, however, because I was now no longer in the naïve world that nothing could go wrong in pregnancy. I cherished this time around, knowing how much I would miss it once there was no longer a baby growing in me. (It also helped that I wasn’t vomiting every day for months on end. That helped me perk up a bit). While I was cherishing it, I was also longing to see my new baby safely in my arms. I tried my absolute best to keep positive thoughts in my head and heart, but I had a bit of anxiety about something going wrong. I wanted to see him.

This helped my decision to have an induction in the end. I was induced with Declan due to low amniotic fluid. This time it was my choice to get induced, and I had a few reasons. We chose a day that I knew my doctor would be available. This was important to me because I had seen her at every appointment and I knew that she was on the same page as us with all of our decisions thus far. I knew that my mom was coming into town, so I would have help with Declan and the new baby. Also, I was ready. I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions and real contractions every time I stood up, sat down, turned, etc… for six weeks or so. Since I had hit my due date, all of these decisions fueled my choice to be induced.

 So, on Wednesday night, Logan and I dropped Declan off at Logan’s aunt’s house. (More on Dex becoming a big brother in another post) and on Thursday, August 18, 2011 we arrived at the hospital at 6:30 am. I got checked right in and settled into my room. I had an IV in and Pitocin started by about 7:15am. My doctor came in shortly after that and when she checked me, I was at 3cm. (I had been at 2cm for the last two weeks). She left and the contractions really got going. My plan was to go for as long as possible without an epidural but knowing that I wasn’t ruling one out since that was what happened last time. The doctor had predicted me giving labor around 2 to 3 pm, though things could either be shorter or go longer. I was also told that it would take about 40 minutes to get the epidural once it was ordered. Keeping these things in mind, I went about trying to breath through the pain.

It started out as a definite pressure. With definite pain. I was breathing through the contractions and doing my best to completely relax in the time between them. It quickly got to be an incredible amount of pain. At 9am I was counting the minutes and wondering if I could make it 5 more minutes at a time. I was already starting to seriously consider getting the epidural and feeling like a complete failure as a woman once these thoughts entered my head. I had Logan sit next to me and hold my hand as I writhed in pain as each contraction waved through my entire body. Since it was such a long process last time, I was really feeling badly about myself that I couldn’t handle it as easily this time around. However, the pain was getting continuously stronger. So strong in fact, that I ended up throwing up. Once that happened, the next time the nurse came in, I told her I was ready for the epidural. She got it taken care of and suggested (and I agreed to) a pain med through my IV while I waited for the epidural. It helped a tiny bit. Enough for me to relax just a little through the pain for about ten minutes. Then even that slight relief was gone. At this point I was pretty much crying as the contractions came. I have never felt a pain like that in my life. And it was 10am. This had been going on for about three hours. How was I in so much pain so fast?

The epidural came and Logan was asked to step out. I freaked out, but he had to go. Luckily I had an awesome nurse that helped soothe me so much while I got the epidural. I was to the point that getting it didn’t even matter because I was in so much pain with every contraction. It was all I could do to stay still while he was getting it in. I felt badly for Logan in the hall. He knows how I don’t do well with needles, and I was making a lot of noise. I just wanted to be able to tell him that it was because of the contractions, and not the epidural. I wanted him to know that I was alright. The epidural went pretty quickly, and I was at the point that I couldn’t even imagine getting through the two or three more contractions it would take for it to kick in. I was in more pain than I have ever been in my life. Logan came back in and it was 11am. I had no idea where the last hour went. Between the incredible pain and the epidural, somehow that time had flown.

Now the epidural was in and working. However, I really wasn’t in as much relief as I would have thought. It wasn’t so much the pain now though. It was an insane amount of pressure. I know that giving birth means pressure, but this was a lot. A lot more than I thought I would have felt after only four hours. I tried to tell the nurse about the pressure but I didn’t want to seem like I was overreacting. The pressure was pretty overwhelming. So, right after the epidural was in, she checked me for the first time since my arrival. I was at 8cm. I now didn’t feel as bad about myself for wanting an epidural. She walked away and checked something. She came back and checked me again less than five minutes later and I was at 10cm. I was feeling so ready. She made a phone call and a few nurses rushed into the room to start setting up tables. She made another call and the doctor was on her way. Last time I pushed for 27 minutes so I started preparing myself for the push time. It took them about ten minutes to get set up, and I was fighting the urge to push the whole time. They got the stirrups out, my legs up, and I pushed through one contraction. I felt a burning sensation between my legs that felt like stretching, but I didn’t think too much of it as I was in the pushing stage. When that contraction was over I took a quick second break to breathe. When I felt the next contraction gearing up, I get myself ready for another push. And then I heard the doctor say… “and here comes the shoulder…”

WAIT… WHAT???

The shoulder? That means that the head is already out. It had only been one push! How was that possible? I almost wasn’t able to push again due to complete and utter shock. I somehow pulled it together to push one more time and out he came. After TWO contractions. That’s about four minutes of pushing with a break in the middle. I so wasn’t prepared for it to be over that I just looked at Logan with total disbelief on my face.

Here he was. He was ready.

As they laid him on my chest I could barely contain myself. Logan just kept repeating “He’s so beautiful, he’s SO beautiful.” And he was. 7 lbs 4 oz. 19.25 inches. He was perfect.

We’re now at just over three days old and it has been a complete joy so far. He sleeps well, nurses great, and is an absolute doll. I’ll write more about our adventures so far, but for now I’m just going to go and enjoy the sweetness of my sleeping newborn.

Love to all and thanks for everyone’s support through all this. Thanks for sharing.