Update

So. In keeping the world updated on how I'm doing/ trying to hash it out within myself by "saying" something out loud... here goes. I really don't know how I'm doing. It really does change minute to minute. Now, don't get the wrong impression. I'm not like breaking down with the kids and sobbing or freaking out or anything. I went back to work today and the kids were treated just as they usually are. We went to the playground and had snacks and made a fort and all that good stuff. I was good at keeping the down part inside. And now I am exhausted.

I feel like I am having to convince myself to go outside and talk to people and live my life like usual. I really could just hide under my covers and have people occasionally bring Declan to me and I would be good. Maybe brownies too. The biggest problem with all of this is graduation. I am done with my Master's and will be graduating on Friday. The problem is that I really don't care about it at all. I don't really want to see people and have a party and talk about it/not talk about it/ talk about anything at all. It sucks because it is such a big accomplishment... a once in a lifetime one that I worked my butt off for since I found out I was pregnant with Declan. And I don't care. I'm trying to. I'm trying to put that smile on my face because I know I would regret it if I just didn't walk or have any celebration or anything. But right now. I'm just. Tired.

I'll probably feel better in five minutes, but this is it for now.

Think before you speak

My life in insane. However, because of the support I have, I know that anything is possible and instead of being scared I am (mostly) just looking at all the new opportunities presenting themselves to me.

I had my last grad school class ever yesterday! Now I just need to write my last paper by Friday and I'll be all set.

Friday will be a good day. With lots of relief. Sorry the posts have been shorter. I'm just taking a lot more time to think before words come out this past week.

Decisions, Decisions

So... I have less than a week until my work is done for grad school (yay/yikes!) and I REALLY need to get my act together and start this paper of mine. We just had brunch with my mom and Dan, and now both of my boys are having some nap-time. It was an early morning. Way too early. Like up at 4 early.

I figured that before I started my paper, it would be better to try to clear a little bit of my mind. I'm not really ready to clear it all the way. Not out loud. Yet. Soon. But not yet.

The last week has been a bit of a ride. There have been some ups and downs, with more downs than ups. In trying to triple check everything I say (especially what I write) before it comes out... I'm not really prepared to talk about all of the downs yet. I will say that my time to make decisions about the future was set at warp speed super suddenly.

One big decision, well two really I guess, has been been made. Since I don't know who actually reads this or not... I don't want to put my foot in my mouth and write something and have it get to someone before the moment is right, so I'll keep it quiet for now.

All I'll say is that I have so much support, and I am so grateful for it. I love my family and friends (the ones that have shown their true colors over the last two years and are real friends) with all my heart. I wouldn't be able to survive without you. I know in my head, and deep in my heart that everything happens for a reason, and that it will all work out for the best... but some of my head and the top part of my heart are having a little bit of disagreement about that right now. My head is still a bit of a mess, but it will be fine with a little bit of time.

Thanks to all of my supporters. <3

Refresh

So things at home are getting back to normal with the routine in place. Well... mostly in place. Since we forgot Declan's bottles for the trip, he is now weaned off them, and is now learning to go to bed without any milk in his room. Last night was... long.

There were so many good things about our trip, and I think the most important thing is that the "refresh" button seems to have been hit on Logan and my relationship. It was so nice, and different for us, to be able to just spend time together stress-free. I put school on hold for the week, and we just got to sit in the sunshine and read and play footsie. I remembered how much I love him and his smile, and it was great just being able to joke around and be lovey-dovey again.

Insert big sigh of relief here.

The next two weeks will be spent with slightly more stress. I have to finish my one, last (not quite giant but pretty big) paper. I still am having trouble putting even the topic together in my head, but Logan is luckily only working until 4:30 today so he will be picking us up and then taking care of the small one for the evening while I go bury myself in books in the library. I would much rather spend the evening at home... making dinner and cuddling/falling asleep to a movie, but I know that this is what I have to do.

17 days until graduation!

Breakthrough?

So I think that (hopefully) I have had a breakthrough with this sadness that I have been battling. I know that I have been feeling stressed, and that has not been helping anything. We are less than four days away from vacation (yay!) which means less than four days to get my work done (yikes!). Yesterday I made a to do list, which really helped put things in perspective about how it is doable.

-Read article on Shoah (done because my teacher cancelled it already)
-Obtain Shoah
-Watch Shoah (4 1/2 hours to watch part one of this movie)
-Write response
-Write rough draft of final paper (But it doesn't have to be final yet... that's the part that I was freaking out about)
-Clean house
-Pack
-Get on plane

See? That's not that bad. I can totally do it. Right? Right. Now if Declan will only sleep at night then I can have a chance to get it done.


The second part of my breakthrough is that I have been totally humbled in the last few days and have realized just how selfish I have been. I have realized more and more that after Logan and I have had a fight, and then have cooled down and talked we can have much more rational conversations... and our communication is improving. I have been trying to be more conscious about his complaints/constructive criticism and I have realized that he was right. I have definitely let my feelings turn me into a much more negative person and I need to watch out for just using him as a venting post. Next step... finding the line between shoulder to cry on and having him not want to talk to me because of the negativity that will ensue. Never really having a long term relationship before (just long term messes), I have had a lot of learning to do in working with someone rather than working next to someone. It has made it a lot harder with our relationship being pretty much started with pregnancy and new parenthood along with getting to know one another. Every day has joy, a lot have challenges, but knowing that he will be next to me in the morning no matter what happens means more than anything.

The third thing in realizing that I have really only been thinking about myself has been the introduction of others needing me (even if it's just through my thoughts). My thoughts have been going out to those around me who need good energy thrown their way, and it has changed the way I have been feeling about myself. I tend to think of myself as unselfish, because I am constantly running around doing things for other people and not thinking of myself. However, I need to take a step back and think about if I am really doing things for others, or if I am doing things for others to make myself feel like a good person. I think I need to actually start taking some time for myself to be able to do things for others and not resent that I am not doing anything for myself so that I can happily do things for them and not want to throw it in their face and want things in return.

So there you have it I suppose. In taking a look at the load of work I have, I will get school done, and then really take a look at the amount I put on my plate. I will try to keep it so that I can continue to be the positive person I used to be, and put smiles on my husband's face rather than complaints in his ear. I will take time for myself (once school is over) to fortify the time I spend doing things for others.

I will breathe.

Down

I wish I knew why I feel the way I do right now.

Things in my life are fine. Logan and I are good, we both have stable jobs and are stable financially, we are able to take care of our son in all the ways that we can, and it was an absolutely gorgeous day out today.

Why am I so sad?

The past couple of days I have just felt so down. I don't know if it's because I am putting myself in the shoes of one of my friends too much. I don't know if it's just the end of school looming nearer, and not knowing what I'm going to do after. Maybe the fact that the decision to move to Texas is coming nearer and I'm so nervous about thinking about it. I was already a little down when I spoke to someone on the phone yesterday. I really want to watch what I say here, because I love the person very much and don't want to say anything I would regret... but they hurt my feelings a lot. I felt as though they were belittling my accomplishments in graduating with my Master's. I felt as though my special moment was nothing, and that I was being called selfish for thinking that I was special. I was told that was saying that I was better than other people and that they were below me.

That is not how I feel at all. Can't you feel special without thinking that there are people below you? Don't you want all of your children, friends, brothers, spouses... to feel as though they are special. You obviously think that they are special. You probably tell them they are special and they deserve the world. Why does that change if they start to believe you?

I think that in the last two years I have worked pretty hard. I worked full time the whole time, took three classes in my first trimester of being pregnant, two classes while having a newborn and planning a wedding, and three classes with an under one year old and a husband that works most nights and weekends. Don't I deserve a day to feel special, up on a pedestal so that I can shine and think of myself for just a moment? Is that so wrong?

Spring? Hello? You seem so close!

I haven't been on here much lately. I've mostly been trying to enjoy the warm weather. The enjoyment has been pretty interrupted by homework. Logan has been trying to be good about forcing me to do it in order to make us all less miserable in the end. I understand his point. I could go into a rant about the merits of doing things earlier just to get them done (cough cough clean the apartment cough) and be less miserable, but I'll stop myself.

I should get back to homework, but I'll bask in remembering the beauty of the last few days. I made it out to Castle Island with both MY boys (Dex and Logan) and THE boys (Dex and Leo). It is so nice to not be cooped up in the house. They can go outside and just roam. However, I see the Declan is getting a bit more frustrated recently. I think he is upset because he just wants to be able to walk and isn't there yet. Hopefully it will happen soon.

Here are some pics from our lovely times outdoors.

Overwhelmed

So things are basically great, and I'm pretty happy. However, there is that one little hitch of school. I have zero time to do anything. Declan takes up 90% of my time. I have come to the conclusion that it is impossible to get anything accomplished when he is awake. Besides run after him, get kisses, see him learn how to feed himself with a spoon and pretty much be constantly amazed that something so perfect in my life. Notice that none of those things include homework. That other 10% of my life is pretty much taken up by sleep.

I know that I'm near the end of the race and that the light is right there at the end of the tunnel and blah blah blah, but it is so hard. I constantly feel unprepared and behind and I just can't wait to be done. I am taking a class that I have no idea how to do the work for, and not getting a lot of input from the teacher. I don't have enough time to try to do it well, which makes me just want to give up.

Ugh. Struggling.

I want to collapse

I really do just want to collapse and hide under the covers for a really long time. I have too much on my plate, and while I try really hard to manage it all and balance it all... I'm at the point of breaking again. The part that makes this really to bad is that it is so early in the semester. Tomorrow is only my third class. Yes, I know this is my last class and then I'll be done. It's pretty hard to see to that point, however. I am starting to really not care whether or not I finish.

Who knows if I will even do anything with this anyway? I've been out of college for almost three years, and have done nothing with my degree anyway. I have worked with two years olds, and while that is still in the teaching profession, it is not the same at all as elementary education. I don't know if I even want my own classroom, which is what I have been working towards this whole time. I'm pretty confused... which I know a lot of people are, but I've invested a lot of time and money in this one goal without a lot of wiggle room. I feel stuck.

I also feel like a small child at the moment. I don't feel good (whine whine whine) and I hate blogs that are just "ohhh, I feel blah, and that's about it". Boring. I, at the moment, don't feel blah. I feel angry. I just want to be able to take time and be sick and nap and have people take care of me. Instead, I have to pull myself together and do homework and take care of Declan and continuously baby-proof the apartment that is freezing because heating it is so expensive. I feel guilty for any second I take to rest my eyes, and I feel constantly torn between being a good mom and trying to be a good student. I feel resentful towards Logan for having time off by himself (which is really different than having to leave the house to have time off), and for having his free time be his own. He doesn't have school, and generally when Declan is around... so am I. I know he works hard (and I also know he reads this), and I appreciate him tons. I know he loves me and Declan and our happiness is put before his own. It's just... not fair that I have all this to do. He was so complimentary yesterday, and told me how much he is impressed by all that I do. It was very sweet. The only thing is... I don't want to do it! I want to take a break. I want to be somewhere warm. The cold is bringing me down.

Ugh. The boys are off playing somewhere and I'm at Starbucks attempting to get some homework done, because when I try to get it done at home I fall asleep. And since Logan has worked every single night of the past week and I have taken care of Declan until after his bedtime, I haven't gotten nearly as much done as I would have liked. I hate having to do homework on all of Logan's time off. I never get to see him or do fun things.

Ok. Enough venting. Back to my hundreds of jobs. Student time so that I can get back to wife/mom time.