So guys, I guess I'll apologize in advance. This particular post is not my Mother's Day post. That will come to follow, especially since I'm lucky enough to have spent Mother's Day with my Mom in town. However, on this particular day my thoughts about celebrations are slightly skewed.
One year ago today I had a miscarriage. On that day, it was Mother's Day. I have quite gotten over the shock and the majority of the grief, but I'm not sure if I will ever completely get over the fact that I lost a child that was growing in me. It's not something I think about every day, but last night and today I felt the sadness of not knowing that life that was entangled with mine. I know that I am pregnant again, and everything is going smoothly this time... but that doesn't rule out my lost little soul.
How I wish that things were different. How I wish I could be holding that tiny body right now. It's really hard to hear that it all happened for some reason or another. It was whoever's plan for things to turn out this way. That doesn't make it hurt less. I have put on my big girl boots and moved on, but the anniversary (plus the pregnancy hormones) is making today a little rough. And I think I deserve for that not to be downplayed for just being the way that it needs to be. It may or may not have been in my life plan but that doesn't make it suck any less.
Things will carry on. As usual. And I will move on, and my thoughts will drift away once again. And maybe next year I will feel the same, or maybe I will feel completely different. But for this year...
Thinking of you, my tiny soul. Thinking of how you were once part of me. Thinking of what-ifs and what-could-bes.
Here's to you.
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Monday, May 9, 2011
Thursday, December 16, 2010
And Three Becomes Four
So I guess I've been debating on whether or not to post this so soon. However, since the cat is pretty much out of the bag with family and friends (and that probably means most people that read this haha) I guess I'll say it here too...
I'm pregnant! Pretty early on. About six weeks, due mid-August. Now, I know that there are a lot of reasons not to go spouting this all over the world yet. However, since I know a lot about these reasons from both friends' experiences and my own, I realized that if something does go wrong... I would rather have the support that I ended up having last time. I was trying to wait until Christmas to start telling people, but I got too excited. I wanted to wait until Mother's Day to tell my mom last time... but that didn't turn out so well. So I decided to not wait. I would just let it out.
The honest truth is that I'm pretty scared. The first time I got pregnant, it was a surprise, everything was fine and normal and I had a healthy (albeit a little pukey) pregnancy. Then it happened again and after knowing for less than a week, that life that I had already grown so attached to was snatched away from me in front of my eyes. While I have known for about a week and a half now, I HATE to admit it, but I kind of feel like I'm waiting for it to be taken away from me again. I know that is not the way to think at all, and it's not at all every second of the day... but it's there for sure. Every time I go to the bathroom I hold my breath while looking to see if there is any blood (which obviously there hasn't been). I have felt some symptoms, but nothing severe. While I obviously don't WANT severe symptoms, without them and feeling normal- I feel as though this may not be happening. That was one of the biggest reasons I told people. I wanted to make sure it was real.
It has been really scary telling people. I have gotten good feedback for the most part, and while I know other people's opinions shouldn't matter... it was scary to think they might have nervous thoughts based on last time. I'm not sure when or if I'll get over the fear of losing the baby. I know of people that have lost their baby so far into their pregnancy. My health insurance kicks in at the start of the year, so I'll be able to go to the doctor after that... though there isn't too much they can do if anything were to happen anyway. Last time the only help I got from them was a lot of bills.
I promise that while this sounds pretty down, I really am positive about the whole thing. Logan is so excited. He loves putting his hand on my belly even though there isn't any change, and Dex is learning to kiss the baby. Even though I'm sure he has absolutely no idea what he is doing. I'm taking care of myself, we're all eating healthy, and I'm excited to have a two week vacation starting tomorrow! Today was technically my last day of work, but I need to go in and work on paperwork tomorrow since there is never any time with the kiddos around. We get to go to Declan's Holiday party, and I was JUST appointed the class mom, so I need to try to get my act together with that! So there is lots to do and then time to jump on a plane and see everyone back home.
**Sorry if this is the way you are finding out about number two and you didn't hear in person! We tried to make sure people knew!!
*** Love to all!
I'm pregnant! Pretty early on. About six weeks, due mid-August. Now, I know that there are a lot of reasons not to go spouting this all over the world yet. However, since I know a lot about these reasons from both friends' experiences and my own, I realized that if something does go wrong... I would rather have the support that I ended up having last time. I was trying to wait until Christmas to start telling people, but I got too excited. I wanted to wait until Mother's Day to tell my mom last time... but that didn't turn out so well. So I decided to not wait. I would just let it out.
The honest truth is that I'm pretty scared. The first time I got pregnant, it was a surprise, everything was fine and normal and I had a healthy (albeit a little pukey) pregnancy. Then it happened again and after knowing for less than a week, that life that I had already grown so attached to was snatched away from me in front of my eyes. While I have known for about a week and a half now, I HATE to admit it, but I kind of feel like I'm waiting for it to be taken away from me again. I know that is not the way to think at all, and it's not at all every second of the day... but it's there for sure. Every time I go to the bathroom I hold my breath while looking to see if there is any blood (which obviously there hasn't been). I have felt some symptoms, but nothing severe. While I obviously don't WANT severe symptoms, without them and feeling normal- I feel as though this may not be happening. That was one of the biggest reasons I told people. I wanted to make sure it was real.
It has been really scary telling people. I have gotten good feedback for the most part, and while I know other people's opinions shouldn't matter... it was scary to think they might have nervous thoughts based on last time. I'm not sure when or if I'll get over the fear of losing the baby. I know of people that have lost their baby so far into their pregnancy. My health insurance kicks in at the start of the year, so I'll be able to go to the doctor after that... though there isn't too much they can do if anything were to happen anyway. Last time the only help I got from them was a lot of bills.
I promise that while this sounds pretty down, I really am positive about the whole thing. Logan is so excited. He loves putting his hand on my belly even though there isn't any change, and Dex is learning to kiss the baby. Even though I'm sure he has absolutely no idea what he is doing. I'm taking care of myself, we're all eating healthy, and I'm excited to have a two week vacation starting tomorrow! Today was technically my last day of work, but I need to go in and work on paperwork tomorrow since there is never any time with the kiddos around. We get to go to Declan's Holiday party, and I was JUST appointed the class mom, so I need to try to get my act together with that! So there is lots to do and then time to jump on a plane and see everyone back home.
**Sorry if this is the way you are finding out about number two and you didn't hear in person! We tried to make sure people knew!!
*** Love to all!
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Life and Death
Where to start? Right now my head is such a jumble that I am having a pretty hard time getting it straight. I don't really want to speak too much about other people's personal life, but they seem pretty straightforward on their posts on facebook, so I'm assuming that their situation is not a secret.
Basically, someone I know is having a rough time, to put it lightly. Their dad has been battling cancer since Thanksgiving, and this week seems to be the last stretch. My heart feels like it is being torn apart for them and their family. It was a little over two years ago that I was dealing with sitting by a deathbed just waiting. Waiting for anything, waiting for something, watching the numbers on the screens move up and down and having my heart race and drop along with them. I sat by my uncle in his last moments, and was part of the family meeting to decide to stop the medical help being given to him. I watched as they turned the machines off and as his chest rumbled with his last breaths. I stood by my mother and his partner, and watched him die.
This was my uncle. I absolutely can't imagine watching my father through a similar situation. My son's grandfather. My heart breaks for them, and I wish I knew the words to give any comfort. For now, I'm just trying to stay as helpful as I can.
The other part of my mood is that I'm having a hard time with thinking about getting pregnant again. At this time, I have zero desire to have another child. I always wanted to have my children close to each other in age, but I don't know if I can handle it now. In this past month, I have- for the first time in my life... even with my not so innocent past- considered taking the morning after pill. When I had the first signs of having my period again, I almost lost my mind thinking about implantation bleeding. There wasn't even a reason to worry, but the thought alone terrified me. It feels as though all my plans for the future have changed, and I don't know when or if I'll be ready to "try again." For the last few weeks I have thought that I was fine and that life had moved on, but I know that something has changed inside me for sure. Hopefully not forever, but we'll see.
For now I'm just going to try and stay calm and not overreact. I'm going to attempt to clean and pack and get some sort of peace inside myself.
Basically, someone I know is having a rough time, to put it lightly. Their dad has been battling cancer since Thanksgiving, and this week seems to be the last stretch. My heart feels like it is being torn apart for them and their family. It was a little over two years ago that I was dealing with sitting by a deathbed just waiting. Waiting for anything, waiting for something, watching the numbers on the screens move up and down and having my heart race and drop along with them. I sat by my uncle in his last moments, and was part of the family meeting to decide to stop the medical help being given to him. I watched as they turned the machines off and as his chest rumbled with his last breaths. I stood by my mother and his partner, and watched him die.
This was my uncle. I absolutely can't imagine watching my father through a similar situation. My son's grandfather. My heart breaks for them, and I wish I knew the words to give any comfort. For now, I'm just trying to stay as helpful as I can.
The other part of my mood is that I'm having a hard time with thinking about getting pregnant again. At this time, I have zero desire to have another child. I always wanted to have my children close to each other in age, but I don't know if I can handle it now. In this past month, I have- for the first time in my life... even with my not so innocent past- considered taking the morning after pill. When I had the first signs of having my period again, I almost lost my mind thinking about implantation bleeding. There wasn't even a reason to worry, but the thought alone terrified me. It feels as though all my plans for the future have changed, and I don't know when or if I'll be ready to "try again." For the last few weeks I have thought that I was fine and that life had moved on, but I know that something has changed inside me for sure. Hopefully not forever, but we'll see.
For now I'm just going to try and stay calm and not overreact. I'm going to attempt to clean and pack and get some sort of peace inside myself.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
One second at a time
Today was a good day. Declan and I spent the day in the city with my friend Jessica. We took an adventure on the T (Declan's first time) and went to the Public Gardens and took a ride on the swan boats. Declan pretty much spent the whole time dying to get into the pond. Unfortunately I had to deny him.
It was good to keep busy.
Yesterday was graduation day. I really with that I could say that I was excited for my big day to celebrate my accomplishment, but it took a lot out of me. It was pretty stressful. I was having a hard morning... it was hard to get myself out of the cave in my head when I was stuck in my cave at home. Logan said something pretty insensitive and I got upset and everything blew up. It is really hard because there is such a big difference in the way that all of this affects boys and girls. He can get over it because it happened and then he can think of other things and move on. It is so different for women.
I don't get to move on so quickly. Both my body and mind are still being affected. I was bleeding for days (I think I'm finally maybe possibly done), had cramps, and a major backache. I have the mental image of my baby coming out of me and then dealing with having to get rid of it. My body was just pregnant and now it's not, so my hormones are super out of whack. It is exhausting and really hard for me to deal with.
And it is really hard for him to deal with me when he doesn't understand what I'm going through. He apologized and I tried to explain what is happening in my head. We worked things out and I ended up walking at graduation and things were fine. So things continue on and we both continue healing each other and ourselves. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time. Whatever it takes.
It was good to keep busy.
Yesterday was graduation day. I really with that I could say that I was excited for my big day to celebrate my accomplishment, but it took a lot out of me. It was pretty stressful. I was having a hard morning... it was hard to get myself out of the cave in my head when I was stuck in my cave at home. Logan said something pretty insensitive and I got upset and everything blew up. It is really hard because there is such a big difference in the way that all of this affects boys and girls. He can get over it because it happened and then he can think of other things and move on. It is so different for women.
I don't get to move on so quickly. Both my body and mind are still being affected. I was bleeding for days (I think I'm finally maybe possibly done), had cramps, and a major backache. I have the mental image of my baby coming out of me and then dealing with having to get rid of it. My body was just pregnant and now it's not, so my hormones are super out of whack. It is exhausting and really hard for me to deal with.
And it is really hard for him to deal with me when he doesn't understand what I'm going through. He apologized and I tried to explain what is happening in my head. We worked things out and I ended up walking at graduation and things were fine. So things continue on and we both continue healing each other and ourselves. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time. Whatever it takes.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Update
So. In keeping the world updated on how I'm doing/ trying to hash it out within myself by "saying" something out loud... here goes. I really don't know how I'm doing. It really does change minute to minute. Now, don't get the wrong impression. I'm not like breaking down with the kids and sobbing or freaking out or anything. I went back to work today and the kids were treated just as they usually are. We went to the playground and had snacks and made a fort and all that good stuff. I was good at keeping the down part inside. And now I am exhausted.
I feel like I am having to convince myself to go outside and talk to people and live my life like usual. I really could just hide under my covers and have people occasionally bring Declan to me and I would be good. Maybe brownies too. The biggest problem with all of this is graduation. I am done with my Master's and will be graduating on Friday. The problem is that I really don't care about it at all. I don't really want to see people and have a party and talk about it/not talk about it/ talk about anything at all. It sucks because it is such a big accomplishment... a once in a lifetime one that I worked my butt off for since I found out I was pregnant with Declan. And I don't care. I'm trying to. I'm trying to put that smile on my face because I know I would regret it if I just didn't walk or have any celebration or anything. But right now. I'm just. Tired.
I'll probably feel better in five minutes, but this is it for now.
I feel like I am having to convince myself to go outside and talk to people and live my life like usual. I really could just hide under my covers and have people occasionally bring Declan to me and I would be good. Maybe brownies too. The biggest problem with all of this is graduation. I am done with my Master's and will be graduating on Friday. The problem is that I really don't care about it at all. I don't really want to see people and have a party and talk about it/not talk about it/ talk about anything at all. It sucks because it is such a big accomplishment... a once in a lifetime one that I worked my butt off for since I found out I was pregnant with Declan. And I don't care. I'm trying to. I'm trying to put that smile on my face because I know I would regret it if I just didn't walk or have any celebration or anything. But right now. I'm just. Tired.
I'll probably feel better in five minutes, but this is it for now.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Getting by
The new revelation... I did realize when the big moment happened. Thank goodness for cell phones and loving family to talk me out of my mild hysteria.
I'm doing ok today. Just trying to decide what is healthy vs unhealthy behavior. It's been a pretty big roller coaster. At times I'm fine and other times I want to bury myself so far under the covers that no one can ever find me. I moved the mattress from our bed into the living room last night so I could just watch tv and have somewhere comfy to hide.
Logan got me out of the house this morning and out to the playground and breakfast. I didn't really want to go. I don't really want to see anyone. I don't want to walk for graduation or have dinner or have a party. Hopefully I'm over that in a few days and can feel the excitement of what I have accomplished.
In some ways I feel like I'm overreacting because this has happened to so many other people, but I'm tired of trying to see the good side. I feel horrible because I just want to not be a mom right now. I don't want to be strong, I don't want to play. I just want to sleep.
I'm doing ok today. Just trying to decide what is healthy vs unhealthy behavior. It's been a pretty big roller coaster. At times I'm fine and other times I want to bury myself so far under the covers that no one can ever find me. I moved the mattress from our bed into the living room last night so I could just watch tv and have somewhere comfy to hide.
Logan got me out of the house this morning and out to the playground and breakfast. I didn't really want to go. I don't really want to see anyone. I don't want to walk for graduation or have dinner or have a party. Hopefully I'm over that in a few days and can feel the excitement of what I have accomplished.
In some ways I feel like I'm overreacting because this has happened to so many other people, but I'm tired of trying to see the good side. I feel horrible because I just want to not be a mom right now. I don't want to be strong, I don't want to play. I just want to sleep.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Happy Mother's Day
So for Mother's Day my wonderful husband got me flowers, made me brownies, gave me a card, got me a pizza... and pretty much cuddled with me the whole day. While this did make me feel special, and he tried to make it the best Mother's Day it could be... I could have had a better day.
Instead of being able to celebrate having given birth and being a mother to the best baby I know, I was a bit distracted from that because on Mother's Day I was losing the child growing in me. I was pregnant, and on Mother's Day (how ironic) I had a miscarriage.
This is something that you are never prepared for. I found out last Monday I was pregnant, went to the Dr on Friday and they confirmed it, but said that my numbers were a little low. I had all the hope in the world until I woke up bleeding on Sunday. I'm sorry if it makes anyone uncomfortable... but I think that it is something that needs to be talked about. I feel like miscarriages are things told in stories or in passing... and are never made to seem real. It doesn't seem like anything that could happen to you. I am 24, in good health, I exercise and am pretty active, I don't smoke and very rarely drink. I have had one healthy normal pregnancy... what would possibly lead me to think that anything different would happen another time?
While I am mostly ok, and realize in my rational part of myself that it happened because it was supposed to and that it it for the best... it still makes me really upset. It makes me feel like a failure. As I sat there bleeding out my baby all I could do was cry because I felt like I was failing my job as a woman. I literally had to watch as I lost my child. There wasn't anything graphic... and there wasn't a big moment that I knew that it was for sure out of me, but the numbers confirmed it this morning. This horrible morning.
I'm not good with needles. I have passed out on more than one occasion. This morning being no exception. I was fine giving blood on Friday, but apparently today my veins weren't cooperating. I felt it, and said I was going to pass out... and then immediately dived into a world of nightmares on top of the real life nightmare I was already living through. I can't remember them, but I can remember the terror that lies within the world of being passed out. When I came to, and finally realized where I was I just started crying again. I was trying to be brave and deal with everything the best that I could... and I couldn't even get past that stage. Oh, and they couldn't even take the blood because I passed out. So after some recovery time they did a urine test and confirmed that I had miscarried.
I feel numb, I feel empty, I feel disappointed, I feel selfish because I know that I got farther than some people and already have a happy healthy child. I just need some time. Declan is with his Grandma for the night, so I can finally take some time to myself and just... process. I am going to try to sleep. I wish I had a bathtub, but I'm not sure I could even function that much right now.
I will be willing to talk about this with anyone... because I feel like it is something that needs to be talked about more so women aren't left in the dark and feeling alone. However... just not today.
But before I leave with this note of misery... I will put in my Gratefulness List.
I am grateful for...
My husband. Logan grounds me and I know he will always be there. I love him with all my heart.
Declan. My happy, healthy, beautiful son.
My body took care of itself. I didn't end up having any surgery.
My family and friends supporting me from near and far.
We are able to support our family and have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
Many other things but I'm ready for sleep...
Thanks for the support and love!
Instead of being able to celebrate having given birth and being a mother to the best baby I know, I was a bit distracted from that because on Mother's Day I was losing the child growing in me. I was pregnant, and on Mother's Day (how ironic) I had a miscarriage.
This is something that you are never prepared for. I found out last Monday I was pregnant, went to the Dr on Friday and they confirmed it, but said that my numbers were a little low. I had all the hope in the world until I woke up bleeding on Sunday. I'm sorry if it makes anyone uncomfortable... but I think that it is something that needs to be talked about. I feel like miscarriages are things told in stories or in passing... and are never made to seem real. It doesn't seem like anything that could happen to you. I am 24, in good health, I exercise and am pretty active, I don't smoke and very rarely drink. I have had one healthy normal pregnancy... what would possibly lead me to think that anything different would happen another time?
While I am mostly ok, and realize in my rational part of myself that it happened because it was supposed to and that it it for the best... it still makes me really upset. It makes me feel like a failure. As I sat there bleeding out my baby all I could do was cry because I felt like I was failing my job as a woman. I literally had to watch as I lost my child. There wasn't anything graphic... and there wasn't a big moment that I knew that it was for sure out of me, but the numbers confirmed it this morning. This horrible morning.
I'm not good with needles. I have passed out on more than one occasion. This morning being no exception. I was fine giving blood on Friday, but apparently today my veins weren't cooperating. I felt it, and said I was going to pass out... and then immediately dived into a world of nightmares on top of the real life nightmare I was already living through. I can't remember them, but I can remember the terror that lies within the world of being passed out. When I came to, and finally realized where I was I just started crying again. I was trying to be brave and deal with everything the best that I could... and I couldn't even get past that stage. Oh, and they couldn't even take the blood because I passed out. So after some recovery time they did a urine test and confirmed that I had miscarried.
I feel numb, I feel empty, I feel disappointed, I feel selfish because I know that I got farther than some people and already have a happy healthy child. I just need some time. Declan is with his Grandma for the night, so I can finally take some time to myself and just... process. I am going to try to sleep. I wish I had a bathtub, but I'm not sure I could even function that much right now.
I will be willing to talk about this with anyone... because I feel like it is something that needs to be talked about more so women aren't left in the dark and feeling alone. However... just not today.
But before I leave with this note of misery... I will put in my Gratefulness List.
I am grateful for...
My husband. Logan grounds me and I know he will always be there. I love him with all my heart.
Declan. My happy, healthy, beautiful son.
My body took care of itself. I didn't end up having any surgery.
My family and friends supporting me from near and far.
We are able to support our family and have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
Many other things but I'm ready for sleep...
Thanks for the support and love!
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