Firsts but not Lasts

You guys. Something happened today. Something that just thinking about makes my stomach ball up into a knot, my heart beat a little quicker. Something that, while today was really the first time, is far from being the last.

Someone. A stranger. Was unkind to my child.

It honestly wasn't a big deal. (I'll preface the story by saying that Dex is in a big Wall-E phase right now) We were getting some foam egg shapes so he could create more EVEs. (He already had six, had turned an egg carton into a space ship for them, so obviously needed six more so it could be full) He was up at the counter, gave the cashier his purchase and- as he does- was going on and on about EVE and Wall-E and the foam shapes and the movie and exactly how he was going to draw on the foam and how they didn't have the right size to make a foam Wall-E and... you get the picture. It's hard to imagine he gets enough air in with all the talking sometimes, and she looks right at him and says

"You know I'm not listening, right?"

And my heart stopped. Because- no, he had no freaking clue that she wasn't listening because he was in his own world, but that's NOT the point. Who says that to a four year old? I'm not asking her to listen to him... but in my book, there is zero reason to be unkind to a small child. This time he didn't hear her, but maybe next time he will.

And I'm terrified that he'll want to change a part of himself to fit into her idea of how he should be. And I can't protect him. And while I know this is a pretty big overreaction, especially considering that he didn't even realize anything happened... it makes my heart hurt to know that this is only the beginning of me not being able to protect him.

My boy that when I heard her say that, my only reaction was to get him far away. So I asked him to help me with the store door. And he did. And then he insisted on waiting and holding it open for his dad, too. My boy that when his sister was fussing in the car, put her pacifier in her mouth, and when that didn't work held her hand. And I didn't even know he was doing anything until he said "This silly baby is crying with her binky in her mouth. But she does like holding my hand."

My boy that is far from picture perfect, but is perfect in my eyes. Just the way he is.

I have fears every day about the future and if I'm doing enough to prepare him. I stay up nights thinking about tools I can give him to be successful. He's four.

Because yes, he's four. But the life that I can't protect him from is already showing itself. And I know that I have a lifetime left of alongside all of the wonderful glorious moments, watching my child struggle and get hurt. And even though that's life- I'm not looking forward to it.

Two Months- Maeve Edition

I haven't been here in awhile, but the other day I was looking back through the blog, and was able to take a look back at Kieran's first year. I really want that for Maeve as well.

Maeve,

At two months, you are starting to show so much more personality. You are starting to smile more and more, but you save most of those smiles for Mommy. You also love to have conversations, but also save those for when you are one-on-one with someone (mostly Mommy, but sometimes Daddy). You have mostly outgrown your 0-3 month clothes, and are in mainly 3 month clothes. You are spacing out feedings (nursing) a little longer, which makes the day a lot easier for all of us! You love tummy time, and are amazing at holding up your head. You rolled over at the doctor's office for your two month check up (11lb 10oz), but haven't really since then. (Though you are starting to try).

I am still working on transitioning into a stay-at-home-mom-of-three, but you found your niche in our family on day one. It feels like you have been here forever. Your brothers adore you, and we can't believe how lucky we all are to have you.

On feeling like a failure...

I feel like I'm failing Declan in his social upbringing. He is so rarely around other children and lately it has shown a couple of times. We recently went to a birthday party with lots of other kids and he spent the majority of the time playing somewhere by himself.

Then last night we went to play at a local park with fountains that light up at night. Dex was running around with another kid for a long time. The other kid (probably 5?) had a water gun and was shooting D with it. Their playing looked innocent enough and D kept running around with him so I was pretty happy that he was playing with another kid. Until I got closer and saw what happened when D ran up to the other kid. The kid turned around, yelled "Shut up" at him and squirted him in the face. And my boy didn't even know that wasn't ok.

I was appalled. I grabbed D, and knowing that it wasn't my job to reprimand the other kid, proceeded to tell Dex that he wasn't playing very nice and that maybe we should find someone nicer to play with. When we went back over to the water, I pointed out some other kids that looked a bit calmer, D stayed in my lap and wouldn't go over to them, insisting that they were "bad." I then immediately rethought my decision to take him away from the other kid. Now he didn't want to play with anyone. Did he stop trusting other kids because of me?

I feel so badly. I want him to know to stand up for himself. I want him to know what right behavior is. You hear "kids will be kids" and at some point he will have to know to stand up for himself... but how do I teach him that and still have him want to go back to playing with other kids that he doesn't know?

I have such a hard time making friends. I'll put it out there. It's been two years of living here and my friends are pretty minimal, and friends that have kids are pretty non-existent. The couple people that I have met, that have kids, are super busy and generally don't live close so we don't see them very often. We don't have enough money to send the boys to daycare, even a couple mornings a week- so they are home with Logan, me, or one of our friends. They don't really go to playgroups. Pretty much their only social interaction with other kids is at Sunday school, which is one hour a week.

Am I failing him? By not having him in classes and playgroups and having friends myself to surround him with automatic social interaction?

I want him to be able to play with other kids. Trust other kids. But know what behavior is acceptable towards him. I don't want him to be a tattle-tale, but I do want him to know that it is ok to walk away from people that aren't nice.

I guess I just need to figure out something for him to have more time with other kiddos. I'm just feeling pretty torn up about it.

Growing Up

I recently said something in a pining voice about Kieran being bigger and doing more things and was asked if I was sad about my boys growing up. Well... yes and no. And yes. And no. 

I can't even express how grateful I am every day that I get to watch them grow up. I am getting to watch Kieran start to sign and communicate and see the pride on Deckie's face as he scoots a little faster each time we go out. I am getting to first-hand witness these boys becoming more and more of who they are. They are still tiny, but there is that person inside of them taking more form every day. 

(For today anyway...) Declan is my imaginative engineer. Imagining whole worlds and situations around him and building trains and rocket ships to come along for the journey. Kieran is my mover and shaker. He wants to be going so fast like his big brother, but can't go too long without jumping in my lap for a cuddle. His favorite place to fall asleep in on top of me. 

But I know that each day, while it brings on new facets of each little being I am blessed with, it also brings them a little further from me. Which it should. If I do my job right, they will be able to be completely independent and (while still checking in on my from time to time) off on their own. Each day they run a little further before looking back. They go a little longer without needing that cuddle. 

So yes, I am so excited to watch them grow, but every day I am grateful for how much they need me now. 

To see them blossom and change I am happy. And sad. But mostly happy. 

Kieran kept crawling away and Deckie thought it was hilarious. 

My dreamer boy

Recharge

Today was a long day. It was a day full of thoughts I didn't want to think and decisions looming in the distance slowly growing closer. I know that everything will work out just the way it should, and in the end (well, is it ever really the end?) things will in fact be great and better than they have before. However, today... it just seemed long and overwhelming.

On the ride home I started to feel physically sick. I had gotten myself so stressed out that it was affecting my body. Then I realized. I haven't had a single moment to myself in a week. So I asked my lovely husband, who had already had toddler duty for the entire day, if he could take on being "the one in charge" so I could have a moment to recharge. He, of course, gladly said yes.

I dropped the boys at home, promised Dex I would be back soon to play, and I drove. I didn't go far. I just went to grab a chai. Just a few minutes alone. I started to breathe again. I grabbed my drink and sat for a minute, but it was just too loud. There were people talking and music playing and... I'm an introvert. I just needed quiet. So I hopped back in the car and started driving home. I turned off the radio, and just listened to the rain and the sound of the windshield wipers.

And then I was really able to breathe. And by the time I got back I was ready to be a good mom again.

Because sometimes we all just need a few moments to recharge.

So we can get back to these faces.

First he drew this guy with "crazy hair"

Then he drew another guy and said he was sad. So he drew a friend so he wasn't alone anymore. Then he was happy.
My sweet boy. 

One Day

One day...

One day your favorite place won't be two inches away from my face. Tugging on my pants for me to follow you.
One day you won't proclaim "Huggie!" and jump into my arms. Finding the sweet spot around my neck that you fit in just so.
One day you won't have a high pitch giggle and squeal. So loud you make everyone in the restaurant turn around.
One day you won't give me kisses. "All the kisses"
One day you won't sit in my lap. Do anything you can for five more minutes of cuddles.

And you.

One day I won't be able to make you stop crying by only offering myself.
One day you won't smile at every single thing I do.
One day I won't be the only one you want around. You will sometimes not want me around at all.

And knowing that these moments are fleeting. Just a blink of the eye. Is what gets me by. The nights of one waking up after the other after the other. Trading beds and offering comfort so you can get back to sleep while I stay awake for the duration. Sacrificing my body, my energy, my mental capacity. Some days I'm at the edge. But then I stop. And think. That this is it. This is the time when I am your everything. And soon it will be over, and I will be but a mere onlooker from the bleachers.

So for now. While it gets trying some days. I am happy to sacrifice my body, my energy, my mental capacity.

Because this is our time. And we'll never get it back

Four Months

Oh my little man. I can't believe it's already been four months. Every day I count my blessings that I get to spend my time with you. I could spend each monthly post going on and on about my love for you (and your brother) but it's late, and you are both asleep so I'll make this quick so I can join you in dreamland. 

The plan is for to go to the Dr tomorrow for your checkup. (Though one person said your appointment was today after I had already been confirmed for tomorrow. I figured I would have made it for my day off and not your dad's, but... I don't know. Maybe your appointment won't be tomorrow. We'll see). However, when we last checked you on a scale you were 15 pounds. You are definitely our little chunky monkey. I can't get over your thighs, and your cheeks start conversations everywhere we go. 

You love to smile. Pretty much anything and anyone can make you smile. You love to charm people as we wait in line at the grocery store or coffee shop. You also love to talk, but you save a lot of that for Mama so that we can have a back and forth conversation. When you want your opinion known, you definitely have your own voice. 

You have rolled over from your tummy to your back, but not consistently at all. You are, however starting to be more consistent with getting yourself over on your side. It freaks me out when I look away and you are in a different position when I look back. You love standing. I only do the balancing for you. The rest is all your leg power. 

You are still completely nursed. They say 4-6 months to introduce food. You seem to be doing well with just milk, so I think we'll probably wait another month and see where we're at then. (We bought a can of formula as a just in case when Mama went out- but didn't end up using any yet). 

You are in love with your brother. He lights up your world. It is the sweetest thing to see the two of you together, and I am slightly terrified of the inevitable ganging up against mom that there will be- but your brother love is for another post. With other pictures of your admiration. 

I am so excited to have our first Christmas with a family of four. Since Dex is now bigger, you will get more of the excitement from the start. Santa has some surprises in store!

So anyway... four months. Wow. We have survived. Every day brings new triumphs and challenges, but the triumphs overpower by far. I'm working on cherishing every moment of you being tiny, because I know it won't last long. However, I'm also so excited to see what else is in store for us!

Can't believe I never posted this picture. It certainly got sent out to grandparents.

Look at that little imp. Something is up with that boy. I suppose it could just be that he is two... but I think that he is really just starting to realize that Kieran has stolen our attention. He still loves Kieran and gives him kisses and makes sure he has his blanket and pacifier... but Dex has been climbing into my lap and demanding cuddles. This hasn't happened in a really long time. He's generally pretty independent. There is much showing off of his will. Strong will, that boy. He pitches fits, and it is so hard for everyone because we are so low on sleep. Everyone. Including him. Because he fights it.

Bedtime has become one of the worst times of day. #2 being nap time. We are working on it, and tonight we tried something different, and he was actually asleep by 9:30 which is really good. I wouldn't care if he was awake if he would stay in his bed... or even in his room. It becomes a game, and... ugh. I don't need to get myself worked up right now. Because he's actually asleep and it's 10pm and I can actually have a few minutes of alone time because *gasp* Kieran is asleep too.

It's less than three weeks until we go home to visit! I am so excited. Slightly nervous about travelling with two small children by myself... but not really. I am borrowing one of those dollie things that you can strap a car seat to for in the airport. I will have a car seat to put Dex in on the plane. (Instead of being in my lap and fighting him to stay in his seat for four hours) We caved and got a portable DVD player and headphones. Last year we were in the car. A. Lot. (And he had a double ear infection and I didn't know it.) So he was pretty much miserable. I can't believe I didn't get one then. However, with two kiddos to tow around... this year... when we're in the car for awhile he can watch a movie.

I really struggle with keeping the house clean. Playing with the kids, educating Dex some, doing the laundry... those I can do. Keeping the clutter and dishes at bay... that's a whole other story. With two kids, I find it almost impossible to clean. When I get a free moment, all I want to do is sit down and take a breath for a minute. However, Logan and I have been working on getting the house a WHOLE lot more organized. There has been furniture rearranging and stuff put away in tupperware boxes and... it's getting there. There is still a lot to get done, but I am SO much happier with less junk on the floor.

Tonight we flipped Declan's bed over, so it is now a loft bed. (Let's hope this works out and doesn't end up with a broken arm. It's really not that tall, but still). I then decided to make use of that space and put his low shelf with drawers of toys in it. I had been keeping toys out of his room to make it a place to sleep.. but he hates sleeping anyway... and since the bed is higher, it kind of created a place just for him. (And it's not in our living room... yay! Now there are some toys, but it's mostly his play kitchen and there is actually room for his easel). So the living room and the boys' room looks much better.

I think I'm going to stop because I'm pretty much rambling. I don't talk to a whole lot of grown-ups, so it's nice to let the words all spill out sometimes.

Oh, and there was some baby picture taking this weekend... but Logan has the camera in the car at work. So... soon! They will be up soon!

Night all!

Random

So today we were getting ready to go out and I was putting on some makeup (a pretty rare occurrence). Dex was in the bathroom watching me do it and in the end decided he wanted some. I swiped across his cheeks with the blush brush because... who cares.

He told me it was his dinosaur face. That is what he recently got his face painted like when out at a Halloween event. We left and finished getting ready. He then said "My dinosaur boogers!!!" and ran back into the bathroom where I found he had taken the brush and eye shadow and was brushing it on his nose.

So once he had his "dinosaur boogers" we were off for a busy day. And it really didn't occur to me until just about now how funny it was. He's a silly one, that kid.

Breastfeeding

So, I've never really talked much (on here anyway) about breastfeeding. I guess I feel as though it is time now, because my feelings are different now with baby number two.

With Declan, breastfeeding was pretty much the hardest work I had ever done. My body wasn't completely built for it, and he had a hard-ish time latching. When I was in the hospital, a nurse had to assist me every single time, and I ended up giving him some formula right from the get-go because there was NO WAY I could nurse him while any visiting person was in the room. I had to have complete focus to attempt to do it.

This didn't deter me from doing it. It took a solid six weeks at least to get the hang of it. They say it usually takes about three. Not for us. It hurt. So badly. I would have to hold my breath and count to take my mind off the pain of him latching and starting to eat. I had to watch where he was, so using a cape wasn't really an option. Basically I would have to get naked from the waist up and cry during the whole thing. OH, and he was never really satiated. He ate. All. The. Time. There were days when I couldn't remember my last time outside because I was stuck on the couch feeding him. He would eat every hour and for 45 minutes each time. Now, folks that don't know... that means about 15 minutes in the mean time. I didn't eat unless Logan was there to feed me.

I made it through six months with both nursing and some formula. I knew that I was doing the best thing for him and that there were benefits for me. I felt the bond between us. But it was work. And I really did feel like I had "gotten through" it rather than enjoyed our special time together.

This time it is so different. I don't know if it is because my body changed from Dex, or if Kieran is just a different baby. From the first time he latched on, he was a pro. He eats efficiently and gets right to it. He fills himself up quickly and while it's more often than the "every three hours" I hear happens with other babies, (Not mine, that's for sure) it works. It is so much more convenient than lugging formula around everywhere, and so much more cost effective. With him I am able to use a cover and feed him any time anywhere. I am slowly getting over my consciousness of the public around me and realize that I'm doing what is best for my baby.

While I think it changes the relationship that Logan has with him, I'm really happy that this is all working out better this time around.

And I figure that since we're not spending money on formula because I'm able to provide nourishment for our baby... a little bit of that money we're saving can be spent on yummy treats for mommy!... Right? Or is that just me?

You start being a mom...

The second you see those little lines show up on that stick. From that moment on you watch what you eat, make sure to take vitamins, exercise, don't drink or be within 20 feet of people smoking, or have caffeine or sushi or... the list goes on and on. From day one you are watching out for that little life every second of the day.

I have a lot of respect for a lot of dads I know. (My husband being right on the top of that list). But while they try very hard and work really hard... they don't know what it is like to make that split second change in every part of your thinking. They can walk away and drink a soda without thinking of how it will affect their belly. They can sleep on their back without thinking of how their blood is circulating. My husband is right there with me. He would jump the highest building if that was what was necessary, I'm sure. He is willing to make me food and give up his pillows, and change that extra potty accident that Dex had. However, he is also the first to admit that he has no idea what it is like to have a human being inside of his body.

Today I had a little scare. The baby wasn't moving nearly as much as he usually does. This freaked me out. It is such a huge responsibility to be the only one to know how that baby is doing at all times. No one else can see it. No one else feels the patterns of sleep and movement and intensity of that movement. It is your job, as the mom, to make the call as to whether your baby is ok or not. Tonight I got a little worried. It ended up with a phone call to the doctor and a trip to the hospital to get monitored for awhile.

Everything ended up 100% perfect. It is all great.

But, man. Being a mom is a huge responsibility. From the first second. I love my firstborn with all my heart. I am doing everything I can to nurture him and the life growing inside me. It is a full time, every second of every day job.

Here's to all the moms and moms-to-be out there. Like I said, mucho respect for sooo many dads. But, for this moment in time... Super kudos to those that had that extra nine months of being the (almost) sole beings in charge of that little life.

TWO KIDS?!?

Hey guys! I'm going to have another kid. No, really. I will be the mother of TWO children. All the time. It's really just starting to hit me. And it's a little intimidating. I know that every day we will grow together as a family and it will all be great... but the anticipation is a little much.

I'm starting to feel like we actually need to start preparing for the second one. So far we haven't done a whole lot. We've pulled out baby clothes. They're sitting on a shelf needed to get washed at some point. Everything needs to get washed. I also need to start getting the room ready for another one. But I'm not quite sure what to do. It seems like we put a whole lot more effort into it the first go-around and a lot of it was unnecessary.

What brought these thoughts on was getting a real big boy bed for Dex. I keep going back and forth in my head about what I want. Whether I want a toddler bed or a twin sized bed or something that can be turned into a bunk bed or trundle bed or... I don't know. Right now the new baby has the bassinet to sleep in. (And our bed of course. That's where Dex ended up pretty much 98% of his first few months) But I want to be able to get Dex really used to his new bed before the baby takes over his crib/bed. I, however, don't really want to hand over the cash for a new bed/mattress/ the whole works right now. So I guess I just need to keep the thoughts in the back of my mind and see what presents itself. The same goes for a double stroller. I just can't make a decision. So, hopefully something perfect comes along at the right time. It seems to have been that way so far.

OK. So there is some of my crazy preggo thoughts out there to the world. Maybe they'll stop running around my head so much now that they are out. If any parents want to give advice, I'm more than willing to listen!

HEY YOU GUYS

HEY GUYS!!! We finally have internet again!!!! So happy to be back in the game. I can't believe that it's been almost a month since my last post. Soooo many things have changed.

We have a new home, I have a new job, we have an entirely new routing for Dex, and oh yeah, I've hit that third trimester. 30 weeks by now actually. I feel as though I'm almost living a new life.

However, in this new life, we have been doing a lot of settling. Today was the last day in my first full week of new job/ half-time stay at home mama. (The other half of the time is Logan being a stay at home dad!)

So I'm a little tuckered to try to start a full update. It is to come for sure. I also hear that wonderful door, meaning my two year old is up from his nap. More to come soon, I promise! But for now... I need to go and smother my boy in wake up kisses.

My Real Mother's Day Post

So it's a few days late, but better late than never, right? (oohh... that's a good mom-ism for a starter right there). I guess I wanted to put out there some of my thoughts on mother-hood. 

I think that I always knew I would be a mother. Somewhere inside of me has always been a soul longing to nurture others. I was always a babysitter, playing teacher or making sure the little kids didn't get into trouble. So there wasn't a whole lot changed when I actually became a mother. I think it is more that something in me awoke. Every day I take time to stop and really look at this little being that was once a part of me. I like to think that since we spent so much time together, that part of our souls will always be intertwined. 

I can't believe how fast he has grown and how much time already feels like it has slipped away for me to teach him everything I want to teach him. I want him to be a gentleman. I want him to have a strong work ethic. To know that being happy is more important than having money. To wait until he is married and has a job he loves to have babies. To have babies. I want him to love life with all that he has. I want him to laugh. I want him to be independent but to know that family comes first. I want him to respect his elders and to know how to behave around different audiences. To understand the meaning of tact. I want to take the best qualities out of everyone I know and love and inject it into his spirit. 

Being a mother has taught me how true the cliche of a heart that expands much past its original size is. I never knew I could love with this capacity. How hard it is to discipline the one you love. To know that sometimes those tears are going to be caused by you, even though all you want to do it wrap him into your arms and make it all better. I long for him when he's not there. Even when I've had enough. 

I now understand real, true, and complete love. 

 Photo credit: Daddy

And we were lucky enough this Mother's Day weekend to have a visit from my mom. AKA Gramby. (Or "Gammy" in Dex speak). We pretty much spent the weekend just spending time together and not doing a whole lot. Par for the course of being anywhere near my mom, Dex got sick. Luckily in this case it just meant a fever and much more cuddling than usual. I'm pretty upset that I didn't have my camera when we actually were out and about. We went to the playground, rode the train, and went out to eat. Dex got to play hooky from school and go to the zoo with Gramby. It was really nice for everyone to get to spend some time together.

The Sweetest Thing

This evening, after Dex was done with his bath, I lifted him out and started to towel dry him while I sat on the toilet. (Yes, it was closed... this isn't a potty story). He proceeded to shrug himself out of the towel so he could just hug my belly. However, that wasn't enough. He lifted my shirt so he could hug my bare belly. His baby brother. After a few moments of quiet peacefulness, he started singing "Happy Birthday." My firstborn was singing "Happy Birthday" to his soon-to-be baby brother.

I couldn't help myself. Tears started.

I know that Declan will be fine. I know that he will be a great big brother, full of kisses and hugs. (And fighting and goading eventually I'm sure... but at first I am predicting mostly kisses.) But it is getting more real to me every day that he won't be my one and only anymore. I feel as though the transition might be harder for me than it is for him.

I'm sure that it will all be perfect, and exactly how it should be. But for now, I am soaking up the last few months with Dex as my sole attention getter. My first.

Potty Training

So we are now really and truly in the midst of potty training. Yesterday we went and bought eight new pairs of training underwear. Which is nowhere near enough. But man... that stuff is expensive! He did well yesterday. Only a few accidents. But he was mostly running around outside and a lot of the time was in a bathing suit and could just have the hose turned on him and his little puddle.

Today, however, I attempted to go out. Without a diaper. And silly me... without a change of clothes. We didn't go far. Just to Summermoon to say hi to Daddy and get some muffins and bananas and bagels. And I didn't even make it to getting my drink due to bathroom runs. We went before we left the house. Then again when we got the not-even-quarter-mile down the road. Then again once we had just returned the bathroom key. Man oh man. It gets tiring quick. We were able to sit down and eat our food. And after awhile, I had forgotten. And we had an accident. With no change of cloths. Silly mommy. So we stripped down and headed home with a bare bummy. Luckily when mommy is the one setting the pace it takes about two minutes to get home. Then a new change and another trip to the potty. One more accident later here we are.

And it's 11am.

But then I get to look at this face and it's all worth it.

Almost 22 Weeks

Well folks, I've gone and done it. I've officially (in my mind anyway) popped. It has been too hot to wear jeans, but I bet that I can't fit into them where two weeks ago I was perfectly comfortable. I am really, for the first time, starting to feel pregnant. I feel as though my center of gravity has shifted, and my body is feeling the stretch. I've been getting slight ligament stretching pains, but nothing like last time. And my back is starting to realize that it's doing a whole lot more work.

All in all I still feel really good, but I'm definitely starting to feel different. Also that whole hormone thing has been starting to hit this week, too. So far I feel as though I've actually stayed pretty calm and normal but now I see something even slightly sentimental on TV and I tear up. Anything involving a dad and daughter... forget it. I'm a mess. And if you mess up my food order be prepared to feel daggers shooting out of my eyes. (Sorry Logan!) It's really not all the time, but the overwhelming feeling is starting to take over from time to time. I know that it will all be fine, and I'm really lucky to have gone this long feeling so great... but we still have 18 weeks left. Yes, less than half. But still. 18 is a lot. The WHOLE summer in TEXAS. With the temperature already in the 90s quite often... I'm nervous.


But onto a much cuter subject. Dex! He has been doing SO well at going on the potty the last few days. He has been holding it and we're working on him understanding what it feels like to have to go before it actually happens. He's gone a bunch at home and a few times at school. I think it's really time to start getting potty trained. I have been wanting to start for months, and we've been slowly leading up to it, but I think that he has been really showing us that he is ready now. I guess training underpants is next to get on our shopping list. Wish us luck!

To My Two Year Old

Oh to my Dearest Dex,

I barely even know how to start this. I feel as though our lives are in a constant whirlwind of action that it is hard for me to slow down enough to even get these thoughts out. And as I say that, it might not be that it is hard for me to slow the time down, but hard for me to start letting out thoughts on my love for you because it will overwhelm me so.

This weekend you turned two. Saturday marked the two year date from the time I spent in the hospital waiting, working, and then finally getting to meet you. My son. I often don't feel old enough to have a son. But I do know one thing... that we belong together. I have watched you learn to do more than just take in the world around you as you did when you were so small. You now take over the world. Where you once couldn't even sit up on your own, you now can barely contain yourself to a walk.

You run.

Declan, you run. You sing, you yell, you give the biggest hugs and kisses I could ask for. You can sing the abc's and count to ten. You can put on your own shoes. Every day I am amazed by how much you know and how much you are constantly learning. I love to sit back and watch as you play by yourself, making food in your kitchen and driving cars around the living room. You are quickly becoming a child... a real boy if you will. I am so proud of you, but it goes by so much quicker than I would like.

In the last two years I have lost a lot of sleep. I have been so mad I could spit sometimes. And I have had more bodily functions tossed on to me than I knew possible. But it has all been so worth it. Because I have known more love than I ever knew my heart could handle. You light up my life and mean more to me than anything. I wish I could drop everything and be with you all (well... most) of the time.

I know that you are going to be a great big brother. I know this because you are already a great son and friend. If you teach the new baby half of what you have taught me then the love you share will be never-ending.

All the love in my heart,

Mom

Too Cute

So Declan has been going through a small phase of pushing other kids at school. Not anything major, but it still made me a little sad to know that he was the one putting his hands on someone else. I think we're pretty much through it. Consistency and reminders about using gentle hands have made it better I think. (Also time-outs when hands were not being gentle with Mommy and Daddy... which I didn't think I would have to do with a one-year-old) However, in talking to one of his teachers about it yesterday, I had to laugh when she told me that it had gotten better, but even when it was happening it wasn't a huge deal because he was just too cute to get mad at.

I suppose a blessing and a curse.

Me trying to capture the beauty of his new cheese face, but he had lost it by the time the camera actually clicked. 

Now there's the cheese face. I told him to go to his kitchen and I would take a picture of him. My little ham. 

Random

If I had a ton of money (or really any at all) I would buy everything off this site.

So cute.


In other news. Declan has been flip-flopping between so cute I want to kiss his face off and so annoying I want to go and live under a rock forever. Luckily the cute thing makes me mostly forget about the annoying thing. I guess that's the life of a toddler? It has been super hard getting pictures of him recently. Every time I get the camera or my phone out and say "Cheese" he gets really grumpy and wants to grab it out of my hand. Not making it so easy to get a cheerful picture. I just need to get my camera back out more to get him used to it again. I miss my little ham!

Man, I am beat. I really wish I could write a poetic entry about how looking at Dec's little tummy covered in suds in the bathtub makes my heart aflutter. I would talk about the growing reality of becoming parents to TWO children. I would write my unborn baby a letter. I would discuss my excitement over the possibility of one of my closest friends coming and visiting for Declan's second birthday. I would write about how my heart breaks a little when I think of my baby becoming two.

However, I am beat. So I'm going to go and try to clean our room a little. (Since Logan started today when he put together our new bed. Thanks J! We don't just sleep on a mattress on the floor anymore. We're on the way to becoming real grownups again!) But the reality is... I'm probably just going to put on some trashy tv, eat some ice cream, and pass out. So happy tomorrow is Friday.