Confessions of a Terrible (at being clean) Mom

I need to get better at uploading pictures onto my computer. I have some cute pics of the little one, but they're all the way in the other room... and that is just too much for me right now haha.

There are two battles going on inside of me right now. One is the urge to sit down/rest/nap any and every time I have a second to. Or creating games where I get to sit down and watch Dex play. I'm much more of a spectator than I would like to be at this point. Sigh. I miss having energy to play with my little boy. The other side of me has I guess been the nesting side. Since my energy level has been so low, and Logan has been putting in super amounts of time working... the cleanliness of our home has gone wayyy downward. It's embarrassing really. However... I CAN'T STAND IT. I so want it to be clean and nice and LIVE-ABLE... but once I get a second to clean... that other side takes over and my body rushes itself into my bed.

How do moms with multiple children do it? Are they all just way more disciplined than me? I only work about 20 hours a week now. Considering the fact that Logan puts in at least 30 more hours a week at work than I do right now... I should be the one that is able to handle this. I'm practically a stay-at-home mom.

I just want to bring this new baby into a clean and nice environment. And, oh yeah, have my toddler live in that as well. I'm just having a really hard time pulling it to together. I guess that is my confession for the day. We live in a mess. And I hate it... but hopefully these nesting instincts will help me pull together some last minute energy to get ourselves set before the time comes to head to the hospital.

Wish me luck!

Catch Up

Jeez! Sorry guys. I haven't even posted at all since the ultrasound. Despite being super nervous it all went really well. Not a whole lot to report about it besides everything measuring out perfectly and the guy who drew my blood was awesome and I didn't pass out or anything. While that sounds silly... trust me... it's a big accomplishment.

I haven't been posting much because I've been enjoying the nice weather/ being in a funk. I think I'm going through withdrawal from being home last month. I've realized how much of a rut I've fallen into and that I really don't have any friends here at all. I tried to make friends when I arrived here and hung out with some people a bit, but it's pretty hard to make friends with kids I am finding. Schedules end up conflicting and if you weren't close to start with... things just fall apart. We've been focusing on our little family a lot, which is really great. However, I miss my friends more than anything. I miss having people that you already know and can call up and end up having six people over for a spur-of-the-moment barbeque. I miss having friends with kids that understand having a messy house and don't care if you see their messy house. I miss just going out to get coffee and just grabbing the pack and play and throwing it together if life runs too long and the little one needs a nap. I miss having babysitters. I miss getting to spend time with my kid. That would be different if I was doing something worth it or career building, but I'm not. I miss just being able to call up someone any day of the week and have someone to hang out with. I hung out with people all the time at home. I had lots of friends and it really freaks me out that I really don't hang out with anyone here.

I guess I need a hobby or something where I could meet people. I've just never been good at forced friendships. It takes me awhile. Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate living here. I LOVE that the high here is 78 and Dex and I got to walk to Logan's coffee shop and eat delicious bagels and I got an awesome decaf coffee. I love that I'm not dealing with the snow and coats and digging my car out of the mess. I just really don't like being so far away from my friends and family. I'm missing all of you guys hardcore right now and it's throwing me into a bit of a funk. I'll get over it I'm sure... but I'm ready to do something different to make a change.


On a side note... I'm such a bad mom today. I woke up with great motivation, Dex and I played for a bit and then I figured we would go get a treat (since we don't have a whole lot of other options foodwise at the moment) and then hit the grocery store. On the way back from breakfast I felt like I was shoved underwater and couldn't move anymore. We went inside, I turned on baby Netflix, and Dex watched while I snoozed for like an hour and a half. I wasted the whole morning. The beautiful day, and by the time I actually could get up... it was his naptime. Ugh. So mad at myself right now. I guess that's part of being pregnant, but I'm really frustrated when I can't function the way I want to. I hate that it gets taken out on him. Not that he cared. He watched tv and dumped clothes out of the hamper. Now he's so asleep in his big boy bed (which he has been in almost all weekend... I'm proud).

Oh well... I guess I can try to get the apt cleaned while he sleeps and then make up for it when he wakes up.

Fulfillment

So I haven't been on here a super ton because I've been feeling really low creatively for awhile. I feel as though things in our lives are settling down for the most part and our routine is coming together, but I still feel as though I'm missing something. My job is fine and to me it seems like the best solution for childcare (since I get a discount), but it is not what drives me. I feel as though I have lost a lot of my confidence and a lot of my passion. I'm really not sure that passion lays with teaching anymore, but I don't quite know how to figure out my next step.

I guess I feel as though I'm stuck in a bit of a rut. Maybe I need to find some sort of class or club or something to do once a week. Just something to break me out of this boring space that I'm in. Something to help me figure out where to go next to find more fulfillment.

Getting there

I actually did some housework by myself this evening. Seeing as Declan decided to stay up and cry until 8:30, I didn't get too much done. But I folded some laundry. It's not even all folded and certainly not put away, but I'm pretty proud of getting anything done. I'm doing much better and work has been fine. It's the end of the day when I'm home alone (well... with Declan. I'm pretty much always with Declan) that I seem to collapse a little. My mind is really getting there but my body is still so physically drained. I just want a clean house.

On a different note... I actually head something back from a job so that is something!

Update

So. In keeping the world updated on how I'm doing/ trying to hash it out within myself by "saying" something out loud... here goes. I really don't know how I'm doing. It really does change minute to minute. Now, don't get the wrong impression. I'm not like breaking down with the kids and sobbing or freaking out or anything. I went back to work today and the kids were treated just as they usually are. We went to the playground and had snacks and made a fort and all that good stuff. I was good at keeping the down part inside. And now I am exhausted.

I feel like I am having to convince myself to go outside and talk to people and live my life like usual. I really could just hide under my covers and have people occasionally bring Declan to me and I would be good. Maybe brownies too. The biggest problem with all of this is graduation. I am done with my Master's and will be graduating on Friday. The problem is that I really don't care about it at all. I don't really want to see people and have a party and talk about it/not talk about it/ talk about anything at all. It sucks because it is such a big accomplishment... a once in a lifetime one that I worked my butt off for since I found out I was pregnant with Declan. And I don't care. I'm trying to. I'm trying to put that smile on my face because I know I would regret it if I just didn't walk or have any celebration or anything. But right now. I'm just. Tired.

I'll probably feel better in five minutes, but this is it for now.

Getting by

The new revelation... I did realize when the big moment happened. Thank goodness for cell phones and loving family to talk me out of my mild hysteria.

I'm doing ok today. Just trying to decide what is healthy vs unhealthy behavior. It's been a pretty big roller coaster. At times I'm fine and other times I want to bury myself so far under the covers that no one can ever find me. I moved the mattress from our bed into the living room last night so I could just watch tv and have somewhere comfy to hide.

Logan got me out of the house this morning and out to the playground and breakfast. I didn't really want to go. I don't really want to see anyone. I don't want to walk for graduation or have dinner or have a party. Hopefully I'm over that in a few days and can feel the excitement of what I have accomplished.

In some ways I feel like I'm overreacting because this has happened to so many other people, but I'm tired of trying to see the good side. I feel horrible because I just want to not be a mom right now. I don't want to be strong, I don't want to play. I just want to sleep.

Happy Mother's Day

So for Mother's Day my wonderful husband got me flowers, made me brownies, gave me a card, got me a pizza... and pretty much cuddled with me the whole day. While this did make me feel special, and he tried to make it the best Mother's Day it could be... I could have had a better day.

Instead of being able to celebrate having given birth and being a mother to the best baby I know, I was a bit distracted from that because on Mother's Day I was losing the child growing in me. I was pregnant, and on Mother's Day (how ironic) I had a miscarriage.

This is something that you are never prepared for. I found out last Monday I was pregnant, went to the Dr on Friday and they confirmed it, but said that my numbers were a little low. I had all the hope in the world until I woke up bleeding on Sunday. I'm sorry if it makes anyone uncomfortable... but I think that it is something that needs to be talked about. I feel like miscarriages are things told in stories or in passing... and are never made to seem real. It doesn't seem like anything that could happen to you. I am 24, in good health, I exercise and am pretty active, I don't smoke and very rarely drink. I have had one healthy normal pregnancy... what would possibly lead me to think that anything different would happen another time?

While I am mostly ok, and realize in my rational part of myself that it happened because it was supposed to and that it it for the best... it still makes me really upset. It makes me feel like a failure. As I sat there bleeding out my baby all I could do was cry because I felt like I was failing my job as a woman. I literally had to watch as I lost my child. There wasn't anything graphic... and there wasn't a big moment that I knew that it was for sure out of me, but the numbers confirmed it this morning. This horrible morning.

I'm not good with needles. I have passed out on more than one occasion. This morning being no exception. I was fine giving blood on Friday, but apparently today my veins weren't cooperating. I felt it, and said I was going to pass out... and then immediately dived into a world of nightmares on top of the real life nightmare I was already living through. I can't remember them, but I can remember the terror that lies within the world of being passed out. When I came to, and finally realized where I was I just started crying again. I was trying to be brave and deal with everything the best that I could... and I couldn't even get past that stage. Oh, and they couldn't even take the blood because I passed out. So after some recovery time they did a urine test and confirmed that I had miscarried.

I feel numb, I feel empty, I feel disappointed, I feel selfish because I know that I got farther than some people and already have a happy healthy child. I just need some time. Declan is with his Grandma for the night, so I can finally take some time to myself and just... process. I am going to try to sleep. I wish I had a bathtub, but I'm not sure I could even function that much right now.

I will be willing to talk about this with anyone... because I feel like it is something that needs to be talked about more so women aren't left in the dark and feeling alone. However... just not today.

But before I leave with this note of misery... I will put in my Gratefulness List.
I am grateful for...

My husband. Logan grounds me and I know he will always be there. I love him with all my heart.
Declan. My happy, healthy, beautiful son.
My body took care of itself. I didn't end up having any surgery.
My family and friends supporting me from near and far.
We are able to support our family and have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
Many other things but I'm ready for sleep...

Thanks for the support and love!

Exhausted.

I didn't know I could ever be so tired. The thing is... I have pulled a million all nighters, worked hard, studied hard, and played hard. All of these things have driven me to pure exhaustion at one point or another. Being a mom though? It doesn't stop. Ever. I don't get to just take a few days off and relax because my few days off... are with Declan.

Now don't get me wrong. I love him. I would do anything for him. It is just a whole new definition to the word tired.

Can Anything Ever Get Done???

We are getting pretty tired around here. This means that nothing ever gets done because as soon as Declan decides he'll be fine for awhile or wants to go to sleep it automatically makes Logan and I so thankful for a moment of peace that we usually go and bury our heads in a pillow or our noses in a book. Because of this our apartment is still a mess and there are still wedding things to do. I know that everything will pull itself together, but sometimes it feels as though all we are doing is treading water and not getting anywhere. Hopefully after the wedding this feeling will let up a bit.

After the wedding Logan and I are going to be taking our honeymoon. Our first trip anywhere outside of our parents' houses together. I'm not sure if I mentioned this before (and forgive me for repeating myself... it seems as though baby brain doesn't go away with labor) but we are headed to an all-inclusive resort in Cancun, Mexico. I am very excited but am also pretty nervous about being so far away from Declan. He will be in the care of Dan, Logan's mom and my mom. I know that he will be taken care of and given lots of love, but I have to just be able to let myself enjoy where I am and not worry about him. It's probably a good thing that there isn't free wi-fi or else I would just spend the whole time making Dan put Declan on the video chat.

Oh well, at least Declan is sleeping in his own crib, the house is quiet and I can have a minute to breathe. I am thankful for all that I have.