Growing Up

I recently said something in a pining voice about Kieran being bigger and doing more things and was asked if I was sad about my boys growing up. Well... yes and no. And yes. And no. 

I can't even express how grateful I am every day that I get to watch them grow up. I am getting to watch Kieran start to sign and communicate and see the pride on Deckie's face as he scoots a little faster each time we go out. I am getting to first-hand witness these boys becoming more and more of who they are. They are still tiny, but there is that person inside of them taking more form every day. 

(For today anyway...) Declan is my imaginative engineer. Imagining whole worlds and situations around him and building trains and rocket ships to come along for the journey. Kieran is my mover and shaker. He wants to be going so fast like his big brother, but can't go too long without jumping in my lap for a cuddle. His favorite place to fall asleep in on top of me. 

But I know that each day, while it brings on new facets of each little being I am blessed with, it also brings them a little further from me. Which it should. If I do my job right, they will be able to be completely independent and (while still checking in on my from time to time) off on their own. Each day they run a little further before looking back. They go a little longer without needing that cuddle. 

So yes, I am so excited to watch them grow, but every day I am grateful for how much they need me now. 

To see them blossom and change I am happy. And sad. But mostly happy. 

Kieran kept crawling away and Deckie thought it was hilarious. 

My dreamer boy

7 Months

We now have a seven month old mobile baby on our hands. I think that Dex didn't start crawling until he was about eight months, and K has been going since a couple of days before he turned seven months. He is still just pulling along on his belly, but is going faster every day and has been practicing his pushups the last couple of days. I can't believe this time is already here. This round of moving up in the world, and this round of baby proofing. Obviously we are very child friendly around here, but there are things Deckie has gotten past that we are now having to redo. Like- hiding all electric wires and making sure the ground is absolutely clear. Just today I walked out of the room, and when I came back a minute later, Kieran had somehow found a receipt that had fallen on the floor and was happy eating it.

Kieran is still our sunshine baby. Pretty much all you have to do is look at him and his smile lights up the room.

He also loves food. He isn't picky at all. He loves fruit, and loves food he can chew on. He is a true Texas baby and loves black beans and avocado. He loves rice and any veggies. There hasn't really been anything he doesn't like. He also really loves to drink water.

I love you, my seven month old boy. Can't believe you are closer to one than you are to a newborn.

One Month

Oh, to my sweet one month old boy. One month ago we were a family of three. One month ago we were about to become a family of four. One month ago we made a huge transition.

And now it seems as though you have been here forever. We were meant to be together like this. You have opened up so many doors in our hearts, and you found a way to fit perfectly into our lives. All those cliches about our hearts growing bigger to encompass our love for you, and how time flies... they're all true. I sit here looking into your growing-more-blue-by-the-day eyes and know that you are supposed to be here with us.

Declan is growing into his role as a big brother. He has spent much of the last month acknowledging you being here, but being more interested in buckling your car seat together than hanging out with you. However, in the last few days he has taken it upon himself to make sure you have your "binky" and giving you more kisses than I can count. Sometimes those kisses end up in your eyes, but everything he does toward you is with love. He accepted you into our family better than I could have imagined.

And you. You are a great baby. You hardly ever cry, and you have a super laid back presence that calms us all. You wake up during the night, but do a pretty good job at sleeping. When you wake up, you just eat and go back to sleep. When we put you down, you can hang out by yourself for a bit, but you definitely prefer being in Mommy's lap or arms. You have had less than a handful of bottles and are doing fabulous at eating. I can't believe how much you have already grown. You are constantly active and alert.

You complete our family.

Two

I had a lot of worries about adding another addition to our family. For over two years, Declan has been our one-and-only, our one true love... and I was a little nervous about how it would affect everyone to add another to our family. I have always known that I wanted more than one child, and that I wanted them fairly close in age. However, the reality of the situation didn't hit me fully until I was very pregnant. Dex would be losing his status as number one. 

I was worried about being able to love my second child as much as my first. Now... that was silly. All those cliches of how when you have another child- your heart doubles in size to fit all the love in... those cliches are completely true. I have so much love for both (wow... I can now say both) of my children. 

Things have been going well so far. Dex really loves Kieran, and is a loving big brother. Dex makes sure Kieran has his blanket and the zebra lovie that our friends Lauren and Craig gave him at all times. He loves to give Kieran kisses, and is learning quickly how to do it gently. He sings songs about him, and is always happy to remember that he is there. 

However, it is apparent that Dex is dealing with a few attention issues. He has definitely been more whiny and has been forgetting his listening ears more frequently. He still has a lot of time where he will act like his normal, loving, independent self, but there is also a new side of him that shows he is still figuring all of this out. We're working on really accentuating the positive things he does, and trying to give as much positive attention as we can. I know it will all work itself out. It's a lot for a two year old to deal with. 

But overall things are going really well. I currently have two children that are asleep in their perspective beds, meaning a few minutes of quiet time before I pass out with them. Kieran is doing great. He was above his birth weight at five days old, so that should tell you that he is eating like a champ. He sleeps very well, and can hang out by himself whether he is asleep or awake. When he is awake he pretty much just chills and takes everything in. 

I'm so happy and proud to call myself the mom of both of these wonderful boys. 

Breaking my heart

So guys. I guess I'm at the breaking point. I think it's time to cut Dex's hair. I LOVE his little curls, but he has been digging in his ears lately. At first I thought that maybe it was an oncoming ear infection, but he has no other symptoms. (Save for last night's poor sleeping) After some thought I realized that maybe his long-ish hair is bugging him more than I thought. Maybe it's just his hair tickling his ears.

It makes me so sad to think about cutting his hair. I don't want the curls to go away. However, I don't want it to be a constant annoyance for him. Sigh. I guess that tomorrow is haircut day. I have to get my act together so I can take before and after pictures.

A Not So Update

There really isn't a whole lot to report. We've been spending our time looking for jobs and apartments. Now the Catch 22 is that we can't really get an apartment without having a job... and it's hard to know where to look for jobs without knowing where we're going to be living.

I feel as though I am stuck in an endless frustrating cycle of applying for jobs and hearing NOTHING back. At this point I don't even know what to do. Applying for jobs online doesn't seem to be working at all. I

I didn't think this would be a problem. Ever. I thought that because I had worked hard enough to get my Master's that I would get a job- no problem. I was pregnant and taking three grad classes and working full time. No sweat. I had three kids under the age of three for over ten hours of my day every day. Practice makes perfect. I was smart enough to graduate several things and had leadership roles in school. I am a hard worker. I can multi-task and can organize.

I just don't know how to actually get a job. I don't mean to be beating a dead horse about this subject, but I wish that they had taught us more real world skills in school. I feel as though I have been in a bubble just doing things that people had been telling me to do for so long... that now I don't know how to just do things on my own. I did the homework they told me to do, signed up for the classes they told me to and now... I don't really know what to do. I am tired of putting in effort for cover letters when it seems as though 99% of companies don't even tell you they got it. Ugh.

A job!

Hey there all! Exciting news from the Southern front. Get this... I got a job!! Woo hoo!!

I'll be working part time at a Montessori school, and Declan will be attending their sister school down the street while I'm working. This means money and child care. (Not free but a considerable discount) Yay for us! Now we're working on living stuff and more job stuff, but things are starting to come together. Thank goodness.

But on the flip side... I start tomorrow and Declan starts on Monday. He'll be in a totally different school than me... five minutes down the road. Now, I know it's only for four hours a day or so, but it will still be so different for us. I've had him (with the exception of the two months I went back to work at the other Montessori school) with me since he was born. I know he will be so successful and his independence will soar, but it still gives me little butterflies in my stomach to even think about being away from him so much. This is only the beginning of our lives apart.

Night NIght

I am in love with the fact that in order to get Declan to sleep I had to cuddle him, sing to him, and have our faces so close together. I could feel the love radiating between our gazes. Finally he kept putting his head up, so I asked him if he was all done. He signed for all done. I asked if he was ready to say ByeBye to Mama. He waved ByeBye. I asked if he was ready to go to his crib and he said "Yeah." Then when I put him in his crib he waved Bye to me. How did my little boy grow up this fast already?

Expectations

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about expectations. I suppose that there is the theory that if you have expectations then you will only meet disappointment - or that if you have low expectations you will be pleasantly surprised. I don't know how I feel about that. I think that if you don't have any expectations... how are you supposed to have any hopes or dreams or goals? If there is no standard for things in your life... how will you know how to recognize things that will make you happy?

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that everything in life has to reach these high unachievable standards and I will be miserable until that happens. Not at all. I am constantly learning to take a step back and see the good in the things surrounding me. However, I do have some expectations for things in my life. I have some expectations about what job I will take. I have expectations about the qualities my friends must have. I have expectations of myself. And I have expectations about love.

I feel as though I'm at a pretty big turning point in my life right now. We're about to make the plunge to Texas (more about that in a different post), I am unemployed with nothing hopeful in sight, we have been having to rely on others for so much help in the last few weeks (which is something I'm really not comfortable with) and in this move I am about to leave my family- my support system. I am okay with most of this, but recently I have been feeling really unbalanced, like I am floating through the universe without something to hold on, and like I really want/need to figure out what I want from life since this is my opportunity to get it.

I feel as though some of my expectations for things around me are changing as my universe changes. This affects many things including relationships. I don't really know what to do about any of it. I want what is going to make me happy- I NEED what will make me happy. But how do I know if I my expectations are just too high and I would be happier lowering them rather than striving for the impossible? I feel really lost.

Pocket

Today was one of those days. I just wanted to curl Declan up, just the way he is, and put him in my pocket and keep him there forever. Some days, most days, aren't that way. He is generally good-natured, but recently has been learning about his own free will and I get overwhelmed with the test of my patience. But today... I pretty much just marveled at the beauty that I get to call my own.

He kept looking at me with those big blue eyes that my DNA won on. He is so proud of himself for his many accomplishments of pulling things apart and (attempting to) putting them back together. He has given me so many kisses in the last two days. Big, wet, open mouth kisses. Apparently it is also funny to talk while giving these big sloppy kisses, and also stare me right in the eyes. He is currently fascinated by my face and I can feel the love radiating from him. I've been reading a lot more mommy blogs from people who seem to be able to stop and enjoy their kids much more than most. I am so lucky that I get to spend all day with my love. I get to watch him grow in front of my eyes, not hear about it from the other person watching him all day. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to do that.

I think that he would absolutely thrive in a daycare type situation. He LOVES other kids, loves keeping busy, and would have no separation problems at all (I think). However, I don't know what I'll do when I don't get to just look over at my lookalike whenever I want. I ache already and he is in the room down the hall.

But I don't need to worry about that today. Today I just need to be in love.

Two Years

Wow. Logan and I have made it to two years. Well... two years of being together, not two years of being married, but for those that know us we were pretty much married day one. So for those of you that don't know... this is the story of Logan and Kate.

I worked at Newton Montessori School in Newton Center. Logan worked at the Starbucks around the corner. For most of the school year, I would grab a coffee (vanilla latte actually) here and there and mildly flirt with the guy behind the counter. Or... the "cute guy that works at Starbucks" to those closest to me.

ONE TIME I saw him out in public. We ended up at the same show out in Allston. This was right before my birthday. He, of course, was the guy wearing the gorilla suit. Why wouldn't the guy I liked be the one wearing a gorilla suit at a show in November? We talked for a few minutes but it didn't amount to much. (He claims now that he really wanted to talk to me for longer but he had to go because his ride was leaving... yeah yeah yeah)

I would pretty much go in only when I saw him behind the counter because I wasn't really a huge coffee person and also it cost mad bucks to go to Starbucks a lot. I got a few giftcards for Christmas so I went quite a bit more then. After the cards ran out I stopped going until the New England Winter had finally thawed and I would be able to take walks again during my break.

When I finally returned he welcomed me with a "Hey there stranger! We missed you!" I was pretty surprised that he remembered me because I really didn't go in that often. I told him that the school year was almost over and I would be leaving soon. My plan was to move out to OK and go to grad school there. He told me to come back another day. So I did... and he wasn't there. I went back the day after and told him that I was disappointed that he wasn't there. I told him AGAIN that I was leaving soon and he FINALLY gave me his number written on receipt paper. I texted him the next day with my number. That was a Friday. Sunday was Father's Day, and I had spent the night before up in VT with my dad. When I got back I got a phone call and it was from Logan. He said he was having a few people over to watch some movies and I should come too. I agreed.

I really almost didn't go. It's probably not super safe for a girl to go to the house of a guy that she really doesn't know. I went anyway. And instead of a bunch of people watching movies it ended up being us and his roommate Bill watching the Celtics. We watched the game, then the two of us watched a movie. Logan loves to tell the story about how long it took him to get up the courage to get his arm around me. He relays that he just started lifting his arm and I pretty much leaped into cuddle mode.

He lived super close to my work, and it would have made my commute so much longer if I went home at like 2am when the movie was over. So I stayed. It was super PG and really sweet to have someone to cuddle with. The next morning I went to work and was pretty giddy the whole time. I met up with him after work and finally got it through to him that my plan was to go to OK in two weeks. He told me to go home, get my stuff, and spend every minute with him until I left. He helped me move out of my apt... and took trips to VT and CT and met my parents, nana, and family members along the way. I knew I was in something big.

I was planning on spending the week in West Virginia with my mom before I headed out cross country. My car was being inspected while I was away. During this time away from Logan I knew that I couldn't be away from him again. When his Grandma passed while I was away on vacation I knew I would have done absolutely anything to get back to him. I knew it was love. My car was found to be not suitable for driving cross country, so I decided instead of fighting it I would just stay. And stay I did. When I got back I stayed with him while thinking about apartment hunting. Then just stayed.

We found out we were pregnant a month and a half into our relationship. I am so lucky to have already had things been the way that they were. I knew I had found my partner in life and love and now parenting. Our relationship sped forward. I am so grateful that it did. We were forced to grow up instead of drinking every day and making stupid mistakes because of it. Logan often drives me crazy, and sometimes I really wonder if we're going to be able to make it work. But we have already grown so much together and I am so lucky to be able to watch him blossom into a loving father and wonderful husband. I really do love him with all my heart and know how lucky I am to have such a caring man in my life.

Till the wheels fall off.

One second at a time

Today was a good day. Declan and I spent the day in the city with my friend Jessica. We took an adventure on the T (Declan's first time) and went to the Public Gardens and took a ride on the swan boats. Declan pretty much spent the whole time dying to get into the pond. Unfortunately I had to deny him.

It was good to keep busy.

Yesterday was graduation day. I really with that I could say that I was excited for my big day to celebrate my accomplishment, but it took a lot out of me. It was pretty stressful. I was having a hard morning... it was hard to get myself out of the cave in my head when I was stuck in my cave at home. Logan said something pretty insensitive and I got upset and everything blew up. It is really hard because there is such a big difference in the way that all of this affects boys and girls. He can get over it because it happened and then he can think of other things and move on. It is so different for women.

I don't get to move on so quickly. Both my body and mind are still being affected. I was bleeding for days (I think I'm finally maybe possibly done), had cramps, and a major backache. I have the mental image of my baby coming out of me and then dealing with having to get rid of it. My body was just pregnant and now it's not, so my hormones are super out of whack. It is exhausting and really hard for me to deal with.

And it is really hard for him to deal with me when he doesn't understand what I'm going through. He apologized and I tried to explain what is happening in my head. We worked things out and I ended up walking at graduation and things were fine. So things continue on and we both continue healing each other and ourselves. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time. Whatever it takes.

Getting by

The new revelation... I did realize when the big moment happened. Thank goodness for cell phones and loving family to talk me out of my mild hysteria.

I'm doing ok today. Just trying to decide what is healthy vs unhealthy behavior. It's been a pretty big roller coaster. At times I'm fine and other times I want to bury myself so far under the covers that no one can ever find me. I moved the mattress from our bed into the living room last night so I could just watch tv and have somewhere comfy to hide.

Logan got me out of the house this morning and out to the playground and breakfast. I didn't really want to go. I don't really want to see anyone. I don't want to walk for graduation or have dinner or have a party. Hopefully I'm over that in a few days and can feel the excitement of what I have accomplished.

In some ways I feel like I'm overreacting because this has happened to so many other people, but I'm tired of trying to see the good side. I feel horrible because I just want to not be a mom right now. I don't want to be strong, I don't want to play. I just want to sleep.

Happy Mother's Day

So for Mother's Day my wonderful husband got me flowers, made me brownies, gave me a card, got me a pizza... and pretty much cuddled with me the whole day. While this did make me feel special, and he tried to make it the best Mother's Day it could be... I could have had a better day.

Instead of being able to celebrate having given birth and being a mother to the best baby I know, I was a bit distracted from that because on Mother's Day I was losing the child growing in me. I was pregnant, and on Mother's Day (how ironic) I had a miscarriage.

This is something that you are never prepared for. I found out last Monday I was pregnant, went to the Dr on Friday and they confirmed it, but said that my numbers were a little low. I had all the hope in the world until I woke up bleeding on Sunday. I'm sorry if it makes anyone uncomfortable... but I think that it is something that needs to be talked about. I feel like miscarriages are things told in stories or in passing... and are never made to seem real. It doesn't seem like anything that could happen to you. I am 24, in good health, I exercise and am pretty active, I don't smoke and very rarely drink. I have had one healthy normal pregnancy... what would possibly lead me to think that anything different would happen another time?

While I am mostly ok, and realize in my rational part of myself that it happened because it was supposed to and that it it for the best... it still makes me really upset. It makes me feel like a failure. As I sat there bleeding out my baby all I could do was cry because I felt like I was failing my job as a woman. I literally had to watch as I lost my child. There wasn't anything graphic... and there wasn't a big moment that I knew that it was for sure out of me, but the numbers confirmed it this morning. This horrible morning.

I'm not good with needles. I have passed out on more than one occasion. This morning being no exception. I was fine giving blood on Friday, but apparently today my veins weren't cooperating. I felt it, and said I was going to pass out... and then immediately dived into a world of nightmares on top of the real life nightmare I was already living through. I can't remember them, but I can remember the terror that lies within the world of being passed out. When I came to, and finally realized where I was I just started crying again. I was trying to be brave and deal with everything the best that I could... and I couldn't even get past that stage. Oh, and they couldn't even take the blood because I passed out. So after some recovery time they did a urine test and confirmed that I had miscarried.

I feel numb, I feel empty, I feel disappointed, I feel selfish because I know that I got farther than some people and already have a happy healthy child. I just need some time. Declan is with his Grandma for the night, so I can finally take some time to myself and just... process. I am going to try to sleep. I wish I had a bathtub, but I'm not sure I could even function that much right now.

I will be willing to talk about this with anyone... because I feel like it is something that needs to be talked about more so women aren't left in the dark and feeling alone. However... just not today.

But before I leave with this note of misery... I will put in my Gratefulness List.
I am grateful for...

My husband. Logan grounds me and I know he will always be there. I love him with all my heart.
Declan. My happy, healthy, beautiful son.
My body took care of itself. I didn't end up having any surgery.
My family and friends supporting me from near and far.
We are able to support our family and have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
Many other things but I'm ready for sleep...

Thanks for the support and love!

Decisions, Decisions

So... I have less than a week until my work is done for grad school (yay/yikes!) and I REALLY need to get my act together and start this paper of mine. We just had brunch with my mom and Dan, and now both of my boys are having some nap-time. It was an early morning. Way too early. Like up at 4 early.

I figured that before I started my paper, it would be better to try to clear a little bit of my mind. I'm not really ready to clear it all the way. Not out loud. Yet. Soon. But not yet.

The last week has been a bit of a ride. There have been some ups and downs, with more downs than ups. In trying to triple check everything I say (especially what I write) before it comes out... I'm not really prepared to talk about all of the downs yet. I will say that my time to make decisions about the future was set at warp speed super suddenly.

One big decision, well two really I guess, has been been made. Since I don't know who actually reads this or not... I don't want to put my foot in my mouth and write something and have it get to someone before the moment is right, so I'll keep it quiet for now.

All I'll say is that I have so much support, and I am so grateful for it. I love my family and friends (the ones that have shown their true colors over the last two years and are real friends) with all my heart. I wouldn't be able to survive without you. I know in my head, and deep in my heart that everything happens for a reason, and that it will all work out for the best... but some of my head and the top part of my heart are having a little bit of disagreement about that right now. My head is still a bit of a mess, but it will be fine with a little bit of time.

Thanks to all of my supporters. <3

more teeth

So teeth numbers 5 and now 6 are making their way in. We've been dealing with some crankiness, but he slept through the night last night, so we at least aren't adding exhaustion today.

My baby will turn one in 10 days. I can't even handle it. He is exploding with personality. He has a great sense of humor, and has a great time laughing. He is starting to wave "bye-bye" much more consistently, he signs for milk, he can hold his own bottle, stand up (using anything), and I am constantly amazed.

I think I had to grow into it a little. It wasn't instantaneous. But I now know how much love a person can possess. It can fill you from your hair to your toenails. It is bizarre to me that one day he will be grown-up and won't be mine anymore. Where is the pause button?

All I want to do is have more babies and raise a family. I never thought I would think this. I still think I might get bored, but I want to be able to have more children and really take care of them. I want to be able to make money by doing so. If anyone figures out how this is possible let me know.

Who is this?

Who is this little boy? Don't I have a baby? This little boy looks so grown up. I can't believe he is almost one.

Wait... did you see it? I almost missed it... that was time. Flying by. So fast.

Body Image

Alright, so I have been slacking majorly with the working out. What can I say? I have been a bit under the weather and that doesn't make me want to be jumping up and down. Also, my weight went back up a bit, and I know that it's super early on in all of this, but it's still discouraging. So...

2/7 Weight: 157.47 lb (yuck!)
BMI: 22.54

2/9 Weight: 156.7 lb
BMI: 22.44

So when I thought that this goal of losing 3 lb in two weeks was going to be no problem, I may have been a little confused. Ugh, before this baby I'm sure it would have been no problem. I guess I just need to step it up.


But I guess that brings me to something that has started really bothering me. I know that celebrities have always had bodies that are impossible for normal people to achieve, but now I feel that Heidi (from the Hills and what-not) has taken it to the next level of outrageousness. She got 10 plastic surgeries in one day so that she could be more beautiful. And then she goes and speaks about how girls should feel beautiful inside and out. How is that possible when already pretty girls go ahead and change everything about themselves in order to be MORE pretty?

Whatever... off to watch my obsession. Teen Mom! I love anything with babies.

Speaking of babies- one quick word before I'm really off. Today Declan got up into the cabinets at work. The picture of him digging his way to the back totally reminded me of my brother. My mom always says that one day she went into the kitchen and found that he had taken everything out of one of the drawers and was sitting in it grinning at her. I think this is where my life is heading. Wish me luck!

In a Slightly Better Place

Oh my. Although things can get/ have been a little rough recently, I just try to keep reminding myself of just how lucky I am. I currently am married to a man who I love with all my heart (and he love me back... just as much), have a roof over our heads, a car to get us around, food for us, we both have jobs, and I am looking down at this beautiful boy that holds more of my heart than I knew I had.

Declan is getting so much more personality daily. I'm pretty sure that if he keeps half the looks and charm that he has now... he will be able to get far. Like I said before he has the army-man crawl down, has three (possibly four) teeth coming in, he is starting to lift himself up, and can push pretty much anything around. He explores EVERYTHING... which also includes pulling down anything and everything he possibly can. He is definitely a handful, but the best kind.

Logan is working for Barnes and Noble Cafe. After working there for about four days, he got promoted and transferred. He just started that last week, which means that he is finally full-time, which will hopefully lift some of our financial struggles off our backs. I am watching the three kids, and it is amazing to see how much they have grown in the last six months. Leo has started walking. It is great to have him as an influence for Declan to see where his next step is.

We have been thinking a lot about moving to Texas in September. We are getting to the point where we really want to be able to buy a house (someday... probably not soon) and since Logan's family is all down there, we feel as though we should experience living down there before deciding where to be more long-term. Hopefully we can get everything together to go and visit Austin in April when I have a break, which will solidify our decision one way or another.

Anyway, that's about all I have for now... back to playing with my gorgeous, happy little man!

TERRIBLE

I know... I'm absolutely TERRIBLE at keeping these things up. OCTOBER is the last time I posted. That's THREE MONTHS ago!! That is literally a third of Declan's life. SO much has happened. (Okay, enough with the caps) Declan can now sit up by himself and crawl. He does it army-man style... on his belly... it's pretty great. He is the happiest baby I have ever seen. However, he is teething and three teeth have already broken through. The fourth is coming momentarily.

The thing about being a new mom is... never having a second to think. Ever. I feel as though I am constantly torn in ten million places... including now. I would love to sit and make this blog funny and witty and meaningful but i also want to watch tv and not think, shower, fold Declan's laundry, wash the dishes. Ugh. I'll come back to this... I'm just not in the right place right now.