Destruction

It feels as though lately we have been taking one step forward and two steps back.

So as of a few days ago I had gotten a job and the apartment search had been looking hopeful. Now, I don't want to get too much into it (because that would turn this into a pretty big rant) but due to scheduling differences between the time they wanted me to stay until and the time of Declan's nap- I am not working at that job anymore. Since I now have no job and Logan still doesn't have a job (and heard a "no" back from Barnes and Noble today) we have no proof of financial stability. This means that since the apartment complex wants some pay stubs or offer letters, getting an apartment will not be as easy.

I was watching a movie last night and they were talking about the goddess of destruction (in India- sorry I don't remember/know how to spell her name). A man (from the US) was asking a native of India why someone would want to have statues of the goddess of destruction around. She explained that sometimes destruction was good because it allowed for new cycles to occur- for new beginnings. Maybe that is what is happening in our lives. The change of scenery wasn't enough. (I am admitting that this is our doing because of our choices, but it's still hard to live with). Our lives are being slowly destroyed. Now, I know that we haven't hit anywhere near rock bottom, and I know that our families wouldn't let us get that far. But, it is really hard to take a step back and realize that although I have my Master's Degree... I can't get a decent job to help support my family (let's face it... working 9-1 and having child care taken out wasn't going to pay the bills) and I don't have a place to live.

I am craving my independence back and am working hard to try and get it. For now I suppose I just need to keep making those steps forward and hope some of them stick.

Last Day to Pack

I sit here, surrounded by to-do lists, piles of things to get packed, and my 16 month old toddling around undoing every job I complete and attempting to unpack everything I put into boxes. Today is my last day to get this done. I won't be leaving for Texas until Sunday, but today is my last day at this newest "home". I have two days of wedding fun ahead of me, but I am slightly unable to see it at this moment.

I can't believe that this is really happening. I've been wanting the excitement and adventure of moving to a completely different place for the last two or three years. I had gone so far to make plans to move to Oklahoma before Logan and I got together. I had started the application to OSU, had a place to stay and even had plane tickets booked for my friend who was going to drive there with me. Then I met Logan and fell completely and totally head-over-heels in love, and just couldn't go. I stayed to find out where things could go and was pregnant within two months. My traveling adventures came to a pause.

I say pause because here we are, about to press the play button again. I stayed while I was pregnant and while Declan was small because I needed the comfort of having my family around, and also because I couldn't bear to take him away from them. I have always been close with my family. We celebrate every holiday together from Christmas to the 4th of July. I want that for him. I want him to know his cousins and grandparents and have that special bond. So it tears my hearts apart a little to know that I'm taking him away from that (with my side of the family anyway). However, I know that we are young and if we are to adventure, now is the time. We are at points in our careers that it is easy to leave them, Declan is not in school yet, and it will only get harder from here. Anything can happen. I know that if I really needed it, I would have several people that would gladly get me a ticket to come home. I'm not saying that I am going to need it... but it is still nice to know that my support system won't disappear because I have moved a few miles away.

I have had a huge mental block with actually getting things packed up. It's hard to make it real. I know that it will be great, and a learning experience, and a chance for Logan and I to start something new with our little family. However, to everyone on the East Coast... know that I will miss you terribly.

Expectations

So I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about expectations. I suppose that there is the theory that if you have expectations then you will only meet disappointment - or that if you have low expectations you will be pleasantly surprised. I don't know how I feel about that. I think that if you don't have any expectations... how are you supposed to have any hopes or dreams or goals? If there is no standard for things in your life... how will you know how to recognize things that will make you happy?

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that everything in life has to reach these high unachievable standards and I will be miserable until that happens. Not at all. I am constantly learning to take a step back and see the good in the things surrounding me. However, I do have some expectations for things in my life. I have some expectations about what job I will take. I have expectations about the qualities my friends must have. I have expectations of myself. And I have expectations about love.

I feel as though I'm at a pretty big turning point in my life right now. We're about to make the plunge to Texas (more about that in a different post), I am unemployed with nothing hopeful in sight, we have been having to rely on others for so much help in the last few weeks (which is something I'm really not comfortable with) and in this move I am about to leave my family- my support system. I am okay with most of this, but recently I have been feeling really unbalanced, like I am floating through the universe without something to hold on, and like I really want/need to figure out what I want from life since this is my opportunity to get it.

I feel as though some of my expectations for things around me are changing as my universe changes. This affects many things including relationships. I don't really know what to do about any of it. I want what is going to make me happy- I NEED what will make me happy. But how do I know if I my expectations are just too high and I would be happier lowering them rather than striving for the impossible? I feel really lost.

Close!

Oh Dear Blog World. To those who keep up with this (with only 7 followers it's hard to know who actually reads this thing), we are getting close to life changing time. Moving is a week from TOMORROW. Yikes! So much to do that I am hopefully alleviating some of the stress by slight venting here first. I'm not sure if I said it before but our plan is to put our stuff in storage up here while figuring out job stuff down there. Once Logan's transfer goes through or I get a job... we're there.

I am getting super anxious about everything that will be happening in the next few weeks, and it doesn't help that a lot of it is up in the air. I am currently trying to just breathe and know that it will work out just the way that it is supposed to. Wish me luck with that and with packing.

Bah!

Moving is SO expensive.
We are out of our apartment two weeks from today.
We are not packed.
We have so much stuff.
And we have no idea where we are going after that.
Logan's work is being SO slow with getting back to us.
And I have no job and none in sight.
I would get any job I could... except that I have to take care of Declan and childcare is mad expensive and Logan's schedule changes every day.

Slightly stressed.

Life and Death

Where to start? Right now my head is such a jumble that I am having a pretty hard time getting it straight. I don't really want to speak too much about other people's personal life, but they seem pretty straightforward on their posts on facebook, so I'm assuming that their situation is not a secret.

Basically, someone I know is having a rough time, to put it lightly. Their dad has been battling cancer since Thanksgiving, and this week seems to be the last stretch. My heart feels like it is being torn apart for them and their family. It was a little over two years ago that I was dealing with sitting by a deathbed just waiting. Waiting for anything, waiting for something, watching the numbers on the screens move up and down and having my heart race and drop along with them. I sat by my uncle in his last moments, and was part of the family meeting to decide to stop the medical help being given to him. I watched as they turned the machines off and as his chest rumbled with his last breaths. I stood by my mother and his partner, and watched him die.

This was my uncle. I absolutely can't imagine watching my father through a similar situation. My son's grandfather. My heart breaks for them, and I wish I knew the words to give any comfort. For now, I'm just trying to stay as helpful as I can.

The other part of my mood is that I'm having a hard time with thinking about getting pregnant again. At this time, I have zero desire to have another child. I always wanted to have my children close to each other in age, but I don't know if I can handle it now. In this past month, I have- for the first time in my life... even with my not so innocent past- considered taking the morning after pill. When I had the first signs of having my period again, I almost lost my mind thinking about implantation bleeding. There wasn't even a reason to worry, but the thought alone terrified me. It feels as though all my plans for the future have changed, and I don't know when or if I'll be ready to "try again." For the last few weeks I have thought that I was fine and that life had moved on, but I know that something has changed inside me for sure. Hopefully not forever, but we'll see.

For now I'm just going to try and stay calm and not overreact. I'm going to attempt to clean and pack and get some sort of peace inside myself.

Packing

Whose great idea was it to accumulate so much STUFF?? I have literally packed one box. One. That didn't even clear the shelf I was trying to clear. Also... that was days ago. Then I quit.

Ugh.

One second at a time

Today was a good day. Declan and I spent the day in the city with my friend Jessica. We took an adventure on the T (Declan's first time) and went to the Public Gardens and took a ride on the swan boats. Declan pretty much spent the whole time dying to get into the pond. Unfortunately I had to deny him.

It was good to keep busy.

Yesterday was graduation day. I really with that I could say that I was excited for my big day to celebrate my accomplishment, but it took a lot out of me. It was pretty stressful. I was having a hard morning... it was hard to get myself out of the cave in my head when I was stuck in my cave at home. Logan said something pretty insensitive and I got upset and everything blew up. It is really hard because there is such a big difference in the way that all of this affects boys and girls. He can get over it because it happened and then he can think of other things and move on. It is so different for women.

I don't get to move on so quickly. Both my body and mind are still being affected. I was bleeding for days (I think I'm finally maybe possibly done), had cramps, and a major backache. I have the mental image of my baby coming out of me and then dealing with having to get rid of it. My body was just pregnant and now it's not, so my hormones are super out of whack. It is exhausting and really hard for me to deal with.

And it is really hard for him to deal with me when he doesn't understand what I'm going through. He apologized and I tried to explain what is happening in my head. We worked things out and I ended up walking at graduation and things were fine. So things continue on and we both continue healing each other and ourselves. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time. Whatever it takes.

Update

So. In keeping the world updated on how I'm doing/ trying to hash it out within myself by "saying" something out loud... here goes. I really don't know how I'm doing. It really does change minute to minute. Now, don't get the wrong impression. I'm not like breaking down with the kids and sobbing or freaking out or anything. I went back to work today and the kids were treated just as they usually are. We went to the playground and had snacks and made a fort and all that good stuff. I was good at keeping the down part inside. And now I am exhausted.

I feel like I am having to convince myself to go outside and talk to people and live my life like usual. I really could just hide under my covers and have people occasionally bring Declan to me and I would be good. Maybe brownies too. The biggest problem with all of this is graduation. I am done with my Master's and will be graduating on Friday. The problem is that I really don't care about it at all. I don't really want to see people and have a party and talk about it/not talk about it/ talk about anything at all. It sucks because it is such a big accomplishment... a once in a lifetime one that I worked my butt off for since I found out I was pregnant with Declan. And I don't care. I'm trying to. I'm trying to put that smile on my face because I know I would regret it if I just didn't walk or have any celebration or anything. But right now. I'm just. Tired.

I'll probably feel better in five minutes, but this is it for now.

Getting by

The new revelation... I did realize when the big moment happened. Thank goodness for cell phones and loving family to talk me out of my mild hysteria.

I'm doing ok today. Just trying to decide what is healthy vs unhealthy behavior. It's been a pretty big roller coaster. At times I'm fine and other times I want to bury myself so far under the covers that no one can ever find me. I moved the mattress from our bed into the living room last night so I could just watch tv and have somewhere comfy to hide.

Logan got me out of the house this morning and out to the playground and breakfast. I didn't really want to go. I don't really want to see anyone. I don't want to walk for graduation or have dinner or have a party. Hopefully I'm over that in a few days and can feel the excitement of what I have accomplished.

In some ways I feel like I'm overreacting because this has happened to so many other people, but I'm tired of trying to see the good side. I feel horrible because I just want to not be a mom right now. I don't want to be strong, I don't want to play. I just want to sleep.

Happy Mother's Day

So for Mother's Day my wonderful husband got me flowers, made me brownies, gave me a card, got me a pizza... and pretty much cuddled with me the whole day. While this did make me feel special, and he tried to make it the best Mother's Day it could be... I could have had a better day.

Instead of being able to celebrate having given birth and being a mother to the best baby I know, I was a bit distracted from that because on Mother's Day I was losing the child growing in me. I was pregnant, and on Mother's Day (how ironic) I had a miscarriage.

This is something that you are never prepared for. I found out last Monday I was pregnant, went to the Dr on Friday and they confirmed it, but said that my numbers were a little low. I had all the hope in the world until I woke up bleeding on Sunday. I'm sorry if it makes anyone uncomfortable... but I think that it is something that needs to be talked about. I feel like miscarriages are things told in stories or in passing... and are never made to seem real. It doesn't seem like anything that could happen to you. I am 24, in good health, I exercise and am pretty active, I don't smoke and very rarely drink. I have had one healthy normal pregnancy... what would possibly lead me to think that anything different would happen another time?

While I am mostly ok, and realize in my rational part of myself that it happened because it was supposed to and that it it for the best... it still makes me really upset. It makes me feel like a failure. As I sat there bleeding out my baby all I could do was cry because I felt like I was failing my job as a woman. I literally had to watch as I lost my child. There wasn't anything graphic... and there wasn't a big moment that I knew that it was for sure out of me, but the numbers confirmed it this morning. This horrible morning.

I'm not good with needles. I have passed out on more than one occasion. This morning being no exception. I was fine giving blood on Friday, but apparently today my veins weren't cooperating. I felt it, and said I was going to pass out... and then immediately dived into a world of nightmares on top of the real life nightmare I was already living through. I can't remember them, but I can remember the terror that lies within the world of being passed out. When I came to, and finally realized where I was I just started crying again. I was trying to be brave and deal with everything the best that I could... and I couldn't even get past that stage. Oh, and they couldn't even take the blood because I passed out. So after some recovery time they did a urine test and confirmed that I had miscarried.

I feel numb, I feel empty, I feel disappointed, I feel selfish because I know that I got farther than some people and already have a happy healthy child. I just need some time. Declan is with his Grandma for the night, so I can finally take some time to myself and just... process. I am going to try to sleep. I wish I had a bathtub, but I'm not sure I could even function that much right now.

I will be willing to talk about this with anyone... because I feel like it is something that needs to be talked about more so women aren't left in the dark and feeling alone. However... just not today.

But before I leave with this note of misery... I will put in my Gratefulness List.
I am grateful for...

My husband. Logan grounds me and I know he will always be there. I love him with all my heart.
Declan. My happy, healthy, beautiful son.
My body took care of itself. I didn't end up having any surgery.
My family and friends supporting me from near and far.
We are able to support our family and have a roof over our heads and food in our bellies.
Many other things but I'm ready for sleep...

Thanks for the support and love!

Fighting It

Still fighting the super down feeling.

It's hard.

I've gone through some pretty rough periods before. I'm hoping that most people see the happy exterior and think that is all that there is (or mostly... obviously no one is happy ALL the time). And I really have been way happier recently than I was in most of the previous years. An unbelievable amount of happiness for me, really.

You see, I've been seeing therapists on and off since third grade. I've been on meds a couple of times. Not for great lengths of time since the ended up making me feel crazier than I already was. So, I've been trying to fight these feelings for a long time. It's so hard to feel myself being pulled back in that direction again. I know where this road can lead and I know how quickly I can fall. I feel as though I am running up the down going escalator and I need to watch my step so that I don't trip and land at the bottom. I just want to reach the top. And I don't know how.

I'm sure that this coming at a time of great stress and exhaustion and pressure is no coincidence. However, it makes it 2734990 times harder to get what I need to do finished.

It is the loneliest feeling in the world. Most of my friends are gone, and I really miss (but not really) being in a place in my life where I could just hide the sadness with partying and the things that go along with that. Now that I'm a mom I just have to deal and play and get out of bed and make sure Declan isn't tearing the house apart... but I just really want to give up sometimes. I know for sure that Logan doesn't understand. I also know that isn't his fault. And I know that not being able to control my thoughts isn't helping the lines of communication which are only starting to build up since we're still new in our relationship. Which doesn't help make me feel any better.

I have become aware of the amount of complaining that I do. And I know I need to stop. But I just can't find my flashlight to get myself out of this cave. I think Declan took it. And probably put it in his mouth. Which ruined it (like the personal scanner at the grocery store that he ate and ruined). Soooo... until I find that new flashlight I am fighting and fighting and searching for that light at the end of the tunnel. (I suppose it would be better to think about it as a tunnel which has an end rather than a cave which generally only leads to more darkness... though it feels more like a cave)

Trying to stay positive.

Am I Crazy?

What is wrong with me? Today was my official first day of nannying for a 7 month old, a 2 1/2 year old and Declan (3 1/2 months). I am so tired. It was crazy. I still remember all those good reasons as to why I chose to do this. I get to be with Declan, I get paid for watching him rather than paying someone else to watch him. I appreciate him so much more with crazy kids around, and I know that it will be different when the school year starts. Just... for today... I am completely overwhelmed.