Firsts but not Lasts

You guys. Something happened today. Something that just thinking about makes my stomach ball up into a knot, my heart beat a little quicker. Something that, while today was really the first time, is far from being the last.

Someone. A stranger. Was unkind to my child.

It honestly wasn't a big deal. (I'll preface the story by saying that Dex is in a big Wall-E phase right now) We were getting some foam egg shapes so he could create more EVEs. (He already had six, had turned an egg carton into a space ship for them, so obviously needed six more so it could be full) He was up at the counter, gave the cashier his purchase and- as he does- was going on and on about EVE and Wall-E and the foam shapes and the movie and exactly how he was going to draw on the foam and how they didn't have the right size to make a foam Wall-E and... you get the picture. It's hard to imagine he gets enough air in with all the talking sometimes, and she looks right at him and says

"You know I'm not listening, right?"

And my heart stopped. Because- no, he had no freaking clue that she wasn't listening because he was in his own world, but that's NOT the point. Who says that to a four year old? I'm not asking her to listen to him... but in my book, there is zero reason to be unkind to a small child. This time he didn't hear her, but maybe next time he will.

And I'm terrified that he'll want to change a part of himself to fit into her idea of how he should be. And I can't protect him. And while I know this is a pretty big overreaction, especially considering that he didn't even realize anything happened... it makes my heart hurt to know that this is only the beginning of me not being able to protect him.

My boy that when I heard her say that, my only reaction was to get him far away. So I asked him to help me with the store door. And he did. And then he insisted on waiting and holding it open for his dad, too. My boy that when his sister was fussing in the car, put her pacifier in her mouth, and when that didn't work held her hand. And I didn't even know he was doing anything until he said "This silly baby is crying with her binky in her mouth. But she does like holding my hand."

My boy that is far from picture perfect, but is perfect in my eyes. Just the way he is.

I have fears every day about the future and if I'm doing enough to prepare him. I stay up nights thinking about tools I can give him to be successful. He's four.

Because yes, he's four. But the life that I can't protect him from is already showing itself. And I know that I have a lifetime left of alongside all of the wonderful glorious moments, watching my child struggle and get hurt. And even though that's life- I'm not looking forward to it.

Thankful 2012 #4

#4
I am so thankful for my Declan boy. My first born. He is the one that really and truly taught me what love is. My heart expands every time I look at him- he taught me a depth to myself that I didn't know existed.

On feeling like a failure...

I feel like I'm failing Declan in his social upbringing. He is so rarely around other children and lately it has shown a couple of times. We recently went to a birthday party with lots of other kids and he spent the majority of the time playing somewhere by himself.

Then last night we went to play at a local park with fountains that light up at night. Dex was running around with another kid for a long time. The other kid (probably 5?) had a water gun and was shooting D with it. Their playing looked innocent enough and D kept running around with him so I was pretty happy that he was playing with another kid. Until I got closer and saw what happened when D ran up to the other kid. The kid turned around, yelled "Shut up" at him and squirted him in the face. And my boy didn't even know that wasn't ok.

I was appalled. I grabbed D, and knowing that it wasn't my job to reprimand the other kid, proceeded to tell Dex that he wasn't playing very nice and that maybe we should find someone nicer to play with. When we went back over to the water, I pointed out some other kids that looked a bit calmer, D stayed in my lap and wouldn't go over to them, insisting that they were "bad." I then immediately rethought my decision to take him away from the other kid. Now he didn't want to play with anyone. Did he stop trusting other kids because of me?

I feel so badly. I want him to know to stand up for himself. I want him to know what right behavior is. You hear "kids will be kids" and at some point he will have to know to stand up for himself... but how do I teach him that and still have him want to go back to playing with other kids that he doesn't know?

I have such a hard time making friends. I'll put it out there. It's been two years of living here and my friends are pretty minimal, and friends that have kids are pretty non-existent. The couple people that I have met, that have kids, are super busy and generally don't live close so we don't see them very often. We don't have enough money to send the boys to daycare, even a couple mornings a week- so they are home with Logan, me, or one of our friends. They don't really go to playgroups. Pretty much their only social interaction with other kids is at Sunday school, which is one hour a week.

Am I failing him? By not having him in classes and playgroups and having friends myself to surround him with automatic social interaction?

I want him to be able to play with other kids. Trust other kids. But know what behavior is acceptable towards him. I don't want him to be a tattle-tale, but I do want him to know that it is ok to walk away from people that aren't nice.

I guess I just need to figure out something for him to have more time with other kiddos. I'm just feeling pretty torn up about it.

Hanging Out/ Kieran is 9 Months

I haven't been here much because I've been working more. This has caused less time with my boys, so I've been focused a whole lot more on spending quality time with them when I'm with them. This has meant less internetting, less picture taking, and more soaking up their wonderfulness. 

Kieran turned 9 months. He is now crawling with a vengeance. He moves at lightning speed. He pulls up to standing and yesterday was cruising along the length of our bed. He babbles like crazy, repeating some sounds- especially when we say "Deckie." He rarely eats "baby food" now and pretty much just joins us in eating whatever we are eating. So far, there isn't really anything that he hasn't liked. 

The boys are such great brothers. Yes, there are moments when Dex forgets exactly how to be gentle, but for the most part they are wonderful to each other. Deckie shares crackers with Kieran in the backseat of the car, Kieran crawls around after him, and they both like to spend their time near each other. 

Kieran is becoming so much more of a person every day. He and Declan are really different. Kieran chases after balls and crawls until he hits his head and puts everything in his mouth. Dex loves to wash his hands, has the biggest imagination, and loves to build. I love watching them grow more into themselves. 

Date

This morning I had a very special breakfast date. Not with my husband, but with my first born boy.

For a few days now, he has been proclaiming that I am HIS Mommy NOT Kiery's. And that Logan is KIERY'S Dada, NOT his. Things have been really great with his transition into big brotherhood, but something has been going on. His ownership of me really hit home that I need to start spending more time with him alone. After enough acting out and possessiveness of me, I asked him if he wanted some special time with just him and Mommy and he got pretty excited about the idea.

So yesterday we made a date for this morning. Dex is in love with pancakes from Kerbey Lane, and it is their birthday this week, so they have pancakes with frosting and sprinkles on them... and I've been planning on taking him all week. This seemed like the perfect opportunity.

We woke up this morning and got ready. He got himself dressed, with shorts and shirt on backwards obviously and we headed out. It was so nice to be able to just listen to him. His imagination is out of this world. Because while this was special mommy and Dex time, his imaginary friend (George the dragon) came with us too. I got to listen to how he sees the world where newspaper machines are robots, and his boots are dragon boots while George's boots are big brother boots. He got to hold the buzzer and we sat side by side in a booth where I learned that his favorite color is blue and gold like his eyes (and George's eyes are brown so his favorite color is brown.) His favorite movie is Yo Gabba Gabba and his favorite song is the "Ouch It Hurts" song. His favorite Muppet is Kermit and he likes to wear red socks because they are "Go Red Sox" socks.

He ate pancake bites at the same time I ate mine. He wanted water in a cup with a top so it didn't spill. As he sat next to me, he grabbed my hand to hold and said "I love you Mommy".

I am so excited that he is old enough to care about spending special time together, and I can't wait for all the adventures we will have.

*Pics are taken with my cell phone- sorry for the quality

Deckie got birthday pancakes and Mommy got regular

Keeper of the buzzer