Hello Strangers

I've been away for awhile spending time with my family. There are vacations that are marked by laying on the beach and going on rides, but this was a vacation marked by snuggling and watching movies and taking naps and drinking lots of coffee. There wasn't really a whole lot of "special" things that happened, but just having my family back was pretty special.

I'm having a bit of a hard time being here. It's really hard for me to be away from my family. I know that nothing is forever, and this is just one of our many adventures together, but it is definitely a hard start. It is hard that we moved to a new place, had to work with temporary living for the last four months, and I had to get a job where I don't get to spend every minute with my son. It is a huge adjustment and I'm working on it. I have had trouble with depression on and off since the third grade. I have been in a good place for awhile, even through pregnancy and grad school and everything, but being so far away from home while having a tough time is making me feel a little bit like I'm standing on the edge of the depression again. It is really scary for me because I know how it will feel once I fall. I know that I shouldn't worry about anything until it happens, but even just the thinking about falling has me feeling more like I'm falling.

One second at a time

Today was a good day. Declan and I spent the day in the city with my friend Jessica. We took an adventure on the T (Declan's first time) and went to the Public Gardens and took a ride on the swan boats. Declan pretty much spent the whole time dying to get into the pond. Unfortunately I had to deny him.

It was good to keep busy.

Yesterday was graduation day. I really with that I could say that I was excited for my big day to celebrate my accomplishment, but it took a lot out of me. It was pretty stressful. I was having a hard morning... it was hard to get myself out of the cave in my head when I was stuck in my cave at home. Logan said something pretty insensitive and I got upset and everything blew up. It is really hard because there is such a big difference in the way that all of this affects boys and girls. He can get over it because it happened and then he can think of other things and move on. It is so different for women.

I don't get to move on so quickly. Both my body and mind are still being affected. I was bleeding for days (I think I'm finally maybe possibly done), had cramps, and a major backache. I have the mental image of my baby coming out of me and then dealing with having to get rid of it. My body was just pregnant and now it's not, so my hormones are super out of whack. It is exhausting and really hard for me to deal with.

And it is really hard for him to deal with me when he doesn't understand what I'm going through. He apologized and I tried to explain what is happening in my head. We worked things out and I ended up walking at graduation and things were fine. So things continue on and we both continue healing each other and ourselves. One day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time. Whatever it takes.

Update

So. In keeping the world updated on how I'm doing/ trying to hash it out within myself by "saying" something out loud... here goes. I really don't know how I'm doing. It really does change minute to minute. Now, don't get the wrong impression. I'm not like breaking down with the kids and sobbing or freaking out or anything. I went back to work today and the kids were treated just as they usually are. We went to the playground and had snacks and made a fort and all that good stuff. I was good at keeping the down part inside. And now I am exhausted.

I feel like I am having to convince myself to go outside and talk to people and live my life like usual. I really could just hide under my covers and have people occasionally bring Declan to me and I would be good. Maybe brownies too. The biggest problem with all of this is graduation. I am done with my Master's and will be graduating on Friday. The problem is that I really don't care about it at all. I don't really want to see people and have a party and talk about it/not talk about it/ talk about anything at all. It sucks because it is such a big accomplishment... a once in a lifetime one that I worked my butt off for since I found out I was pregnant with Declan. And I don't care. I'm trying to. I'm trying to put that smile on my face because I know I would regret it if I just didn't walk or have any celebration or anything. But right now. I'm just. Tired.

I'll probably feel better in five minutes, but this is it for now.

Getting by

The new revelation... I did realize when the big moment happened. Thank goodness for cell phones and loving family to talk me out of my mild hysteria.

I'm doing ok today. Just trying to decide what is healthy vs unhealthy behavior. It's been a pretty big roller coaster. At times I'm fine and other times I want to bury myself so far under the covers that no one can ever find me. I moved the mattress from our bed into the living room last night so I could just watch tv and have somewhere comfy to hide.

Logan got me out of the house this morning and out to the playground and breakfast. I didn't really want to go. I don't really want to see anyone. I don't want to walk for graduation or have dinner or have a party. Hopefully I'm over that in a few days and can feel the excitement of what I have accomplished.

In some ways I feel like I'm overreacting because this has happened to so many other people, but I'm tired of trying to see the good side. I feel horrible because I just want to not be a mom right now. I don't want to be strong, I don't want to play. I just want to sleep.

Breakthrough?

So I think that (hopefully) I have had a breakthrough with this sadness that I have been battling. I know that I have been feeling stressed, and that has not been helping anything. We are less than four days away from vacation (yay!) which means less than four days to get my work done (yikes!). Yesterday I made a to do list, which really helped put things in perspective about how it is doable.

-Read article on Shoah (done because my teacher cancelled it already)
-Obtain Shoah
-Watch Shoah (4 1/2 hours to watch part one of this movie)
-Write response
-Write rough draft of final paper (But it doesn't have to be final yet... that's the part that I was freaking out about)
-Clean house
-Pack
-Get on plane

See? That's not that bad. I can totally do it. Right? Right. Now if Declan will only sleep at night then I can have a chance to get it done.


The second part of my breakthrough is that I have been totally humbled in the last few days and have realized just how selfish I have been. I have realized more and more that after Logan and I have had a fight, and then have cooled down and talked we can have much more rational conversations... and our communication is improving. I have been trying to be more conscious about his complaints/constructive criticism and I have realized that he was right. I have definitely let my feelings turn me into a much more negative person and I need to watch out for just using him as a venting post. Next step... finding the line between shoulder to cry on and having him not want to talk to me because of the negativity that will ensue. Never really having a long term relationship before (just long term messes), I have had a lot of learning to do in working with someone rather than working next to someone. It has made it a lot harder with our relationship being pretty much started with pregnancy and new parenthood along with getting to know one another. Every day has joy, a lot have challenges, but knowing that he will be next to me in the morning no matter what happens means more than anything.

The third thing in realizing that I have really only been thinking about myself has been the introduction of others needing me (even if it's just through my thoughts). My thoughts have been going out to those around me who need good energy thrown their way, and it has changed the way I have been feeling about myself. I tend to think of myself as unselfish, because I am constantly running around doing things for other people and not thinking of myself. However, I need to take a step back and think about if I am really doing things for others, or if I am doing things for others to make myself feel like a good person. I think I need to actually start taking some time for myself to be able to do things for others and not resent that I am not doing anything for myself so that I can happily do things for them and not want to throw it in their face and want things in return.

So there you have it I suppose. In taking a look at the load of work I have, I will get school done, and then really take a look at the amount I put on my plate. I will try to keep it so that I can continue to be the positive person I used to be, and put smiles on my husband's face rather than complaints in his ear. I will take time for myself (once school is over) to fortify the time I spend doing things for others.

I will breathe.

Fighting It

Still fighting the super down feeling.

It's hard.

I've gone through some pretty rough periods before. I'm hoping that most people see the happy exterior and think that is all that there is (or mostly... obviously no one is happy ALL the time). And I really have been way happier recently than I was in most of the previous years. An unbelievable amount of happiness for me, really.

You see, I've been seeing therapists on and off since third grade. I've been on meds a couple of times. Not for great lengths of time since the ended up making me feel crazier than I already was. So, I've been trying to fight these feelings for a long time. It's so hard to feel myself being pulled back in that direction again. I know where this road can lead and I know how quickly I can fall. I feel as though I am running up the down going escalator and I need to watch my step so that I don't trip and land at the bottom. I just want to reach the top. And I don't know how.

I'm sure that this coming at a time of great stress and exhaustion and pressure is no coincidence. However, it makes it 2734990 times harder to get what I need to do finished.

It is the loneliest feeling in the world. Most of my friends are gone, and I really miss (but not really) being in a place in my life where I could just hide the sadness with partying and the things that go along with that. Now that I'm a mom I just have to deal and play and get out of bed and make sure Declan isn't tearing the house apart... but I just really want to give up sometimes. I know for sure that Logan doesn't understand. I also know that isn't his fault. And I know that not being able to control my thoughts isn't helping the lines of communication which are only starting to build up since we're still new in our relationship. Which doesn't help make me feel any better.

I have become aware of the amount of complaining that I do. And I know I need to stop. But I just can't find my flashlight to get myself out of this cave. I think Declan took it. And probably put it in his mouth. Which ruined it (like the personal scanner at the grocery store that he ate and ruined). Soooo... until I find that new flashlight I am fighting and fighting and searching for that light at the end of the tunnel. (I suppose it would be better to think about it as a tunnel which has an end rather than a cave which generally only leads to more darkness... though it feels more like a cave)

Trying to stay positive.

Down

I wish I knew why I feel the way I do right now.

Things in my life are fine. Logan and I are good, we both have stable jobs and are stable financially, we are able to take care of our son in all the ways that we can, and it was an absolutely gorgeous day out today.

Why am I so sad?

The past couple of days I have just felt so down. I don't know if it's because I am putting myself in the shoes of one of my friends too much. I don't know if it's just the end of school looming nearer, and not knowing what I'm going to do after. Maybe the fact that the decision to move to Texas is coming nearer and I'm so nervous about thinking about it. I was already a little down when I spoke to someone on the phone yesterday. I really want to watch what I say here, because I love the person very much and don't want to say anything I would regret... but they hurt my feelings a lot. I felt as though they were belittling my accomplishments in graduating with my Master's. I felt as though my special moment was nothing, and that I was being called selfish for thinking that I was special. I was told that was saying that I was better than other people and that they were below me.

That is not how I feel at all. Can't you feel special without thinking that there are people below you? Don't you want all of your children, friends, brothers, spouses... to feel as though they are special. You obviously think that they are special. You probably tell them they are special and they deserve the world. Why does that change if they start to believe you?

I think that in the last two years I have worked pretty hard. I worked full time the whole time, took three classes in my first trimester of being pregnant, two classes while having a newborn and planning a wedding, and three classes with an under one year old and a husband that works most nights and weekends. Don't I deserve a day to feel special, up on a pedestal so that I can shine and think of myself for just a moment? Is that so wrong?