Four Months- Maeve Edition

Man, already missed three months. Oops. 

At four months, you are becoming so much fun! You adore your brothers, and are dying to be just as big as they are. You love to sit up or be held vertically. No more of that little baby stuff anymore. You eat your hands constantly. Your newest trick is blowing raspberries and you are so proud of yourself when you do it. You are mostly in 6 month clothes. (Ah- so big!). You have tried the teenist, tiniest bit of food. A bite of rice and a bite of banana. You were pretty stoked about both. You are really interested in everything around you, and try to grab at our food, so I might start introducing it a little more to you even though it's a little on the early side. 

Still no rolling over really, but I think it's coming soon. Kieran is by far your best friend. He stays by your side most of the day, and is always making sure I know where you are. "Maeve! Maeve!" "Is that my baby sister?" are the words most often coming out of his mouth. 

Every day you have more and more personality. I can't wait to see how you continue to fit into our family. 

Firsts but not Lasts

You guys. Something happened today. Something that just thinking about makes my stomach ball up into a knot, my heart beat a little quicker. Something that, while today was really the first time, is far from being the last.

Someone. A stranger. Was unkind to my child.

It honestly wasn't a big deal. (I'll preface the story by saying that Dex is in a big Wall-E phase right now) We were getting some foam egg shapes so he could create more EVEs. (He already had six, had turned an egg carton into a space ship for them, so obviously needed six more so it could be full) He was up at the counter, gave the cashier his purchase and- as he does- was going on and on about EVE and Wall-E and the foam shapes and the movie and exactly how he was going to draw on the foam and how they didn't have the right size to make a foam Wall-E and... you get the picture. It's hard to imagine he gets enough air in with all the talking sometimes, and she looks right at him and says

"You know I'm not listening, right?"

And my heart stopped. Because- no, he had no freaking clue that she wasn't listening because he was in his own world, but that's NOT the point. Who says that to a four year old? I'm not asking her to listen to him... but in my book, there is zero reason to be unkind to a small child. This time he didn't hear her, but maybe next time he will.

And I'm terrified that he'll want to change a part of himself to fit into her idea of how he should be. And I can't protect him. And while I know this is a pretty big overreaction, especially considering that he didn't even realize anything happened... it makes my heart hurt to know that this is only the beginning of me not being able to protect him.

My boy that when I heard her say that, my only reaction was to get him far away. So I asked him to help me with the store door. And he did. And then he insisted on waiting and holding it open for his dad, too. My boy that when his sister was fussing in the car, put her pacifier in her mouth, and when that didn't work held her hand. And I didn't even know he was doing anything until he said "This silly baby is crying with her binky in her mouth. But she does like holding my hand."

My boy that is far from picture perfect, but is perfect in my eyes. Just the way he is.

I have fears every day about the future and if I'm doing enough to prepare him. I stay up nights thinking about tools I can give him to be successful. He's four.

Because yes, he's four. But the life that I can't protect him from is already showing itself. And I know that I have a lifetime left of alongside all of the wonderful glorious moments, watching my child struggle and get hurt. And even though that's life- I'm not looking forward to it.

Two Months- Maeve Edition

I haven't been here in awhile, but the other day I was looking back through the blog, and was able to take a look back at Kieran's first year. I really want that for Maeve as well.

Maeve,

At two months, you are starting to show so much more personality. You are starting to smile more and more, but you save most of those smiles for Mommy. You also love to have conversations, but also save those for when you are one-on-one with someone (mostly Mommy, but sometimes Daddy). You have mostly outgrown your 0-3 month clothes, and are in mainly 3 month clothes. You are spacing out feedings (nursing) a little longer, which makes the day a lot easier for all of us! You love tummy time, and are amazing at holding up your head. You rolled over at the doctor's office for your two month check up (11lb 10oz), but haven't really since then. (Though you are starting to try).

I am still working on transitioning into a stay-at-home-mom-of-three, but you found your niche in our family on day one. It feels like you have been here forever. Your brothers adore you, and we can't believe how lucky we all are to have you.

Welcome back?

Well, it's been quite awhile since I have been over to this part of the blogosphere. Since I last wrote, I have had an entire pregnancy and gave birth to our daughter last week. There are a few reasons as to why I haven't really been writing here, but the honest truth is that the last nine months have been hard. Really hard. Like, probably the hardest that I have experienced as a grownup. I have some thinking to do as to how much, if any of that I want to share on here. Perhaps others can learn from the hard times that I have experienced? I know that I have learned a lot.

I do want to say that things are in a much better place now. I feel like along with giving birth to our child, a new life was also given birth to. It was a pretty close call as to how things would work out even pretty close to the baby coming, but so far everything has been falling into place. There are still a few uncertainties, but that's just life... right?

I'm not quite sure of the timeline, but I am so lucky and grateful to be home with my kiddos right now. I guess I'm back here trying to sort out stay-at-home-mom life, take some time to reflect on the last nine months, and create another path for social interaction as I'm figuring out life with three littles.

So, for now this is a start. I guess we'll see who is even looking here anymore! If you are- let me know- and hey! It's been awhile!

Happy New Year

Hey guys! We made it to 2013 without the world imploding. I guess that now it's time to actually start making something of ourselves, huh? Scary!

This last month has been pretty insane around these parts, which is why things have been super quiet in this particular space. In December we moved, had the holidays, Logan was really sick for a week, and had lots of family in town. We are still pretty surrounded by boxes, but are slowly creating a new space for ourselves- including a yard for the littles to run around in.

I am so grateful for everything that 2012 contained. Lots of love from family and friends, getting to watch our tiny men grow into slightly bigger tiny men with much larger personalities than their stature shows at first glance. Logan and I have both been working our butts off at work. I couldn't be happier that at every moment we had a roof over our heads, food on the table, and diapers on the baby's bottom. We had amazing (and free!) childcare which allowed us to grow in our careers and trust that our children were being taken care of. My mom moved to town. I ran my first 5K. Logan got to roast coffee. We took a mini (two night) vacation to San Antonio san kiddos together.

I got a little frustrated because I've apparently reached my photo limit here (which means I need to start doing it through a website or something, right?! Internet pals? Halp!) so with that and all the craziness that was December, I wasn't around here. But hopefully that will change and I'll get back into the groove because I really like having this space to look back to see where our lives have come from in the last four years.

Been missing ya'll!

Thankful 2012 #5

#5

I'm thankful for Logan. It is amazing to have such a wonderful partner in life. I know that no matter what is thrown at us- we will make it work together. He is an amazing man, husband and father and I'm continuously grateful that life threw us together.

Thankful 2012 #4

#4
I am so thankful for my Declan boy. My first born. He is the one that really and truly taught me what love is. My heart expands every time I look at him- he taught me a depth to myself that I didn't know existed.

Thanksgiving 2012 #2 & #3

#2
I'm thankful that my family and friends were all safe during the hurricane.

#3
I'm also thankful for modern technology so that I could stay in touch with all of my friends and family back home to know that they are safe. It's amazing that all it takes is two seconds and you can get in touch with someone 2,000 miles away.

Thankful 2012 #1

Today I am Thankful for Kieran. After having a miscarriage- the pregnancy carried a weight that wasn't there with Dex. I am so grateful to have been blessed with him being such a ball of sunshine. His constant smile reminds me constantly of how lucky I am that I got him.

Disappear

It's been awhile. I haven't posted since before Kieran's birthday. I just... couldn't.

I've done a bit of a disappearing act from a lot of the world. Partially because I've been engulfing myself with being the best mom, wife, employee- that I possibly could, and partially because there was just something not right within myself and I needed to figure it out before pouring my confused heart out into the world.

I'm back to (mostly) normal and will get back to posting and getting my camera back out shortly. I need to post about Kieran turning 1 (!!!), weaning, Dex's handsome new duds he has been sporting, working hard and finding a balance and working on a four year strong relationship.

But for now I'm going to just leave you with pictures that you have probably seen on Instagram and get some relaxing in before the work week starts tomorrow (who am I kidding- laundry, organizing, mama-stuff since Logan is working nonstop stuff done).

On feeling like a failure...

I feel like I'm failing Declan in his social upbringing. He is so rarely around other children and lately it has shown a couple of times. We recently went to a birthday party with lots of other kids and he spent the majority of the time playing somewhere by himself.

Then last night we went to play at a local park with fountains that light up at night. Dex was running around with another kid for a long time. The other kid (probably 5?) had a water gun and was shooting D with it. Their playing looked innocent enough and D kept running around with him so I was pretty happy that he was playing with another kid. Until I got closer and saw what happened when D ran up to the other kid. The kid turned around, yelled "Shut up" at him and squirted him in the face. And my boy didn't even know that wasn't ok.

I was appalled. I grabbed D, and knowing that it wasn't my job to reprimand the other kid, proceeded to tell Dex that he wasn't playing very nice and that maybe we should find someone nicer to play with. When we went back over to the water, I pointed out some other kids that looked a bit calmer, D stayed in my lap and wouldn't go over to them, insisting that they were "bad." I then immediately rethought my decision to take him away from the other kid. Now he didn't want to play with anyone. Did he stop trusting other kids because of me?

I feel so badly. I want him to know to stand up for himself. I want him to know what right behavior is. You hear "kids will be kids" and at some point he will have to know to stand up for himself... but how do I teach him that and still have him want to go back to playing with other kids that he doesn't know?

I have such a hard time making friends. I'll put it out there. It's been two years of living here and my friends are pretty minimal, and friends that have kids are pretty non-existent. The couple people that I have met, that have kids, are super busy and generally don't live close so we don't see them very often. We don't have enough money to send the boys to daycare, even a couple mornings a week- so they are home with Logan, me, or one of our friends. They don't really go to playgroups. Pretty much their only social interaction with other kids is at Sunday school, which is one hour a week.

Am I failing him? By not having him in classes and playgroups and having friends myself to surround him with automatic social interaction?

I want him to be able to play with other kids. Trust other kids. But know what behavior is acceptable towards him. I don't want him to be a tattle-tale, but I do want him to know that it is ok to walk away from people that aren't nice.

I guess I just need to figure out something for him to have more time with other kiddos. I'm just feeling pretty torn up about it.

11 Months

This boy is eleven months. Every second he inches closer to being a one year old. I had a discussion with Logan today about how being a parent truly teaches you what bittersweet means. Every day I get so excited to see where he is at, but I also know what he has left behind. No more tiny baby.

He is now becoming more and more of a toddler. He pulls up on everything (and consequently pulls everything down off of any shelf he can reach- aka my house is constantly a disaster). He has started to try and let go a tiny bit. He loves to walk while holding my hands. He still loves to eat and is practicing drinking out of sippy cups. He laughs. At so much. He is definitely full of joy and sunshine.

The big day will be here before I know it. Dex has decided the theme of the party. Outer space. Well... D specifically said dinosaur outer space... but I think that might be tweaked a little bit. Now I just need to get the details going...

Happy less-than-a-month-until-you-are-one my love.

Things have been happening around here. I haven't been writing because by the time the evening/ night rolls around I am just too tired to try and make coherent sentences. I've been up and running and working out. I've been working hard. Logan has been working hard and kicking parenting booty as he ups his game as father and husband. My mom moved to town. Logan turned (dun dun dun...) 29. The kiddos have been running around and then D had a tummy bug which had me cleaning up many messes over a 36 so far hour time span. So basically... tired. Yes. In a good way. In a fulfilled, living as much as I can, enjoying everything I can, working as hard as I can, keeping my body active kind of way.

And it's good. Right now things are great with us and the kiddos. And that's what I've got for tonight.

Growing Up

I recently said something in a pining voice about Kieran being bigger and doing more things and was asked if I was sad about my boys growing up. Well... yes and no. And yes. And no. 

I can't even express how grateful I am every day that I get to watch them grow up. I am getting to watch Kieran start to sign and communicate and see the pride on Deckie's face as he scoots a little faster each time we go out. I am getting to first-hand witness these boys becoming more and more of who they are. They are still tiny, but there is that person inside of them taking more form every day. 

(For today anyway...) Declan is my imaginative engineer. Imagining whole worlds and situations around him and building trains and rocket ships to come along for the journey. Kieran is my mover and shaker. He wants to be going so fast like his big brother, but can't go too long without jumping in my lap for a cuddle. His favorite place to fall asleep in on top of me. 

But I know that each day, while it brings on new facets of each little being I am blessed with, it also brings them a little further from me. Which it should. If I do my job right, they will be able to be completely independent and (while still checking in on my from time to time) off on their own. Each day they run a little further before looking back. They go a little longer without needing that cuddle. 

So yes, I am so excited to watch them grow, but every day I am grateful for how much they need me now. 

To see them blossom and change I am happy. And sad. But mostly happy. 

Kieran kept crawling away and Deckie thought it was hilarious. 

My dreamer boy

These Two/ 10 Months/ Photoshoot

Seriously. The love between these two boys makes my heart melt. I didn't ask them to hold hands. They are just naturally drawn to be close to each other. 

I love when I hear from the back of the car from Dex: "Kiery, Kiery- do you see all the cars driving fast?" He takes his role as big brother seriously and is constantly teaching Kieran about the world around them. 

Kieran is now 10 months as of yesterday. He is pulling himself up on everything and cruising along holding onto things. He still eats pretty much everything, however, if he prefers one part of a meal to another he is not afraid to show it by throwing the undesired on the ground. He loves to sit at the little table with Deckie and feed himself. At 10 months he is fitting comfortably in 12 month clothes and may be another size up when he turns one. He loves to dance and make noise when we are singing. He is my rough and tumble boy. Where Deckie was afraid of finger paint and making me wipe up spills, Kieran is putting bugs and trash in his mouth and crawling until his head hits the glass door. His forehead generally has some sort of bruise due to bumping it. He loves to come and jump in my lap for a cuddle and is learning how to give kisses, which is my favorite. 

My boys are learning to play with each other. Crawling on top of each other and rolling away. Hiding and sharing. I can't wait to see how their relationship continues to flourish. 

Whew

So Sunday night I did something crazy. I ran three miles. Further than I thought I could. 38 min. Ave 12min38sec/mile.

Tonight Logan had to go into work so I didn't have long but I knew I wanted to get out there. So instead of distance I decided I would focus on time. My time has been 12.5min/mile ish so far. Tonight I decided to run only one mile and see how fast I could do it. My time was 10 min 18 sec. Not bad.

Last night I ran another two miles.

It was way harder. I'm sure I wasn't hydrated enough. I had some cramps in my belly which made it harder to run. However, I talked myself through it. The night before I hit the wall of the running being ok about .5 miles into the run. Last night it took about 1.25 miles to have it be ok. At around .75 miles I really thought I would just stop after one but I knew I would be kicking myself after.

A big part of it being hard is that I don't really have any good running clothes. I have heavy cotton clothes which aren't good for TX humid Summer heat. (You know- the heat that makes it impossible for my house to get get below 80 until 5am) I decided that if I can keep it up another week (until payday) then I will treat myself to a new athletic shirt and shorts.

With the weight- down another 1/2 pound, so three pounds all together in the last week. Getting there.

Running

So this is more to keep track of it for myself and I'm sure won't bring much interest to anyone else but...

I've been running for the last week and a half, thanks to Austin doing the local Triathlon being my motivation. It helps a lot having an iPhone with a working GPS (unlike my last phone) and apps to keep track of the time/distance and keep me going with music all together.

I've run four times and the first time I got through a mile with a little walking. The second time I ran the whole mile and pushed the stroller. Both times were about 13 min 58 sec. Then I ran (with more walking than I would have liked- but Austin is way faster than I am so I was pushing for speed and lost on the distance) 1.25 miles ave 13 min 3 sec.

Tonight I ran two miles without walking at all. I think that is a personal best. The first mile was 11 min 14 sec!! The ave of the two miles was 12 min 5 sec. Much better than a week ago. Still not very good, but I'm going the right direction.

Also- My starting weight before being pregnant with Keiran was 164. (Pre Dex was 155 ha. We'll see if that can happen again). I had gotten below that, probably because of nursing. As of a week ago I had gotten back up to 164 again. This morning I weighed myself and am down to 161.5. Meaning I've lost 2.5 pounds in the last week and a half. My weight is pretty fickle and goes up and down pretty easily so the numbers don't really mean a whole lot to me, but hopefully we'll see a trend on the going down. More important is the feeling healthier and attempting to do anything about this post baby (times two) belly. *Also- this is without changing any eating habits except for drinking more water. There were plenty of cookies and brownies consumed. You can only go one step at a time, right?

Wish me luck!

Hanging Out/ Kieran is 9 Months

I haven't been here much because I've been working more. This has caused less time with my boys, so I've been focused a whole lot more on spending quality time with them when I'm with them. This has meant less internetting, less picture taking, and more soaking up their wonderfulness. 

Kieran turned 9 months. He is now crawling with a vengeance. He moves at lightning speed. He pulls up to standing and yesterday was cruising along the length of our bed. He babbles like crazy, repeating some sounds- especially when we say "Deckie." He rarely eats "baby food" now and pretty much just joins us in eating whatever we are eating. So far, there isn't really anything that he hasn't liked. 

The boys are such great brothers. Yes, there are moments when Dex forgets exactly how to be gentle, but for the most part they are wonderful to each other. Deckie shares crackers with Kieran in the backseat of the car, Kieran crawls around after him, and they both like to spend their time near each other. 

Kieran is becoming so much more of a person every day. He and Declan are really different. Kieran chases after balls and crawls until he hits his head and puts everything in his mouth. Dex loves to wash his hands, has the biggest imagination, and loves to build. I love watching them grow more into themselves. 

Photoshoot